Understanding social rules is something most of us take for granted once we reach a certain age.
While the general assumption is that everyone should just know how to behave in public and interact with other people, that’s a lot easier said than done for many people with autism. For them, sometimes even the most normal, everyday experiences can be very confusing, and no one can ever seem to explain why. Here are just some of the things they often struggle with. If you have autism, you may relate to many of these!
1. People say stuff they don’t mean just to be nice.
People do this all the time—say things like “Let’s catch up soon!” or “Love your haircut!” even when they don’t actually mean it. It’s not meant to be a lie; it’s just how people smooth things over or avoid awkwardness. However, if you take words literally, it’s really confusing. Like, are we making plans or not? Do you actually like my hair?
It starts feeling like everyone’s playing a weird game where you’re the only one who didn’t get the rules. You might end up second-guessing what people say or wondering why stuff never actually happens. It’s not because you’re overly sensitive—it’s just hard to tell what’s real when everyone’s being vague on purpose.
2. Small talk seems to be a big deal.
“How was your weekend?” “Crazy weather we’re having!” Small talk is everywhere, and it’s meant to help people ease into conversations. However, for someone who prefers real talk, it can feel…pointless. Like, are we actually going to talk, or are we just circling each other with these weird, surface-level questions?
It’s not that autistic people don’t want to connect—they just tend to skip the fluff. So when everyone expects this chit-chat first, it can feel awkward or tiring. And if the other person doesn’t actually care about your answer, what’s the point of asking in the first place?
3. Sarcasm doesn’t always land the way people think.
Some people basically speak in sarcasm. They’ll say “Nice job!” when something goes wrong or joke about stuff in a way that totally flips the meaning. Of course, if you’re used to taking words at face value, sarcasm can be a nightmare to figure out. Are they mad? Joking? Making fun of you?
It can make conversations feel like guessing games—ones where you’re always a beat behind. If you don’t laugh or react the “right” way, people might think you’re being rude or don’t get the joke, when really, you’re just trying to work out what they actually meant.
4. Everyone expects eye contact even when it’s uncomfortable.
Eye contact is one of those things people treat like a sign of trust or interest. But for some autistic people, it’s just plain uncomfortable. It’s not being rude; it’s just a sensory thing. Trying to focus on someone’s eyes and also follow what they’re saying? That’s a lot.
And yet, there’s still pressure to “act normal,” even if it means ignoring your own comfort. You end up feeling self-conscious about how you’re coming across, instead of just being able to have a normal conversation. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, but for some reason, it still is.
5. Knowing when to speak feels like a guessing game.
Conversations don’t always follow clear rules. People interrupt, talk over each other, pause for too long, or throw in random comments—and somehow, you’re supposed to know when it’s your turn to talk. That’s easier said than done if you don’t pick up on those tiny social cues right away.
It can make jumping into a group chat feel stressful, like you’re always waiting for the right moment and second-guessing whether you missed it. And if you accidentally interrupt or stay silent too long, people might take it the wrong way, even though you’re just trying to figure out the flow.
6. Personal space rules are never really explained.
Source: Unsplash There’s this invisible bubble everyone has, but no one tells you how big it’s supposed to be. Stand too close and people get uncomfortable. Stand too far and they think you’re being cold. And somehow, you’re just supposed to figure it out without being told.
For autistic people who don’t naturally pick up on body language or social vibes, this whole “space bubble” thing can be tricky. You end up stressing about something most people don’t even think about, all while worrying that someone might take it personally if you get it wrong.
7. People rarely just say what they mean.
Instead of saying “I don’t want to do that,” people say things like “Maybe later” or “I’m not sure.” It sounds polite, but it’s also super unclear. Are they really considering it, or is that just a soft “no” wrapped in nice words?
When you prefer clear communication, all this dancing around can feel like emotional gymnastics. You’re left decoding what people actually meant, instead of just getting a straight answer. And if you’re direct in return, they might think you’re being blunt or rude, which just makes everything harder.
8. People laugh even when nothing’s funny.
Sometimes people laugh just to fill the silence or ease tension, even when no one’s said anything funny. That can be confusing if you’re trying to figure out what you missed. Like, was there a joke? Was someone being ironic? Should I be laughing too?
It can make group situations feel alienating, especially if you’re trying to play along without fully getting what’s going on. That kind of subtle social behaviour might come naturally to some, but it leaves other people feeling like they’re on the outside of an inside joke all the time.
9. People expect you to pick up on hints.
Source: Unsplash Instead of saying “I need help,” someone might just sigh loudly or say, “Wow, this is hard.” And then expect you to offer help without them actually asking. However, if you’re someone who needs clear communication, those hints might fly right past you.
It’s not about not caring; it’s just about needing people to be more upfront. When everyone communicates in clues, it’s easy to miss what’s really going on. And if you don’t pick up on it, people might assume you’re being cold, even though you’d happily help if you just knew.
10. People change how they talk based on who’s around.
Source: Unsplash Lots of people adjust their tone or language depending on who they’re with. More formal at work, casual with friends, softer with kids. That makes sense, but constantly switching like that can feel like acting, and not everyone’s comfortable with that kind of social role-playing.
For someone autistic, sticking to the same way of speaking feels more natural. Trying to code-switch all the time can feel fake or exhausting. However, if you don’t, people might think you’re being weird or not reading the room, even though you’re just being consistent.
11. Compliments can feel weird or confusing.
Source: Unsplash People throw around compliments as a way to connect—“Love your jacket!” “You’re so good at that!”—but sometimes it feels forced or shallow. Especially if you don’t know how to respond. Like… thanks? What am I meant to say back?
It’s even trickier when the compliment doesn’t feel genuine or specific. For people who value honest, meaningful interaction, vague flattery can feel more awkward than kind. You’re left wondering if they mean it, or if they’re just saying it to be polite.
12. Social events are full of unspoken rules.
Source: Unsplash Things like when to show up, where to sit, when to leave, how much to talk—they’re all part of these invisible rulebooks no one hands you. And if you mess one up, people notice, even if they never explain what you did “wrong.”
For autistic people, this stuff can be exhausting. It’s not just about showing up; it’s about playing a game you were never taught. You spend the whole time watching how people act and hoping you’re not breaking some secret rule you didn’t know existed.
13. People rely on gestures more than words.
People use all kinds of non-verbal stuff to communicate—eye rolls, raised eyebrows, little smirks or shrugs. Sometimes that’s more powerful than what they actually say, which makes it hard if you don’t naturally pick up on those signals.
It can feel like everyone else is having an extra conversation that you’re not invited to. And if you miss a cue or don’t react the way they expect, things can get awkward fast. It’s not about being oblivious; it’s just about needing people to be more direct and less cryptic.
