Social norms are often unspoken rules that most people follow without thinking — they’re basically ingrained from birth.
That being said, for autistic people, these expectations can sometimes feel confusing, unnecessary, or even illogical. Whether it’s the way people communicate, the expectations in social settings, or the hidden rules behind everyday interactions, these norms don’t always make sense. For neurodivergent brains, figuring out why these ways of behaving are necessary or even correct can be tough, and that can sometimes make social situations a bit awkward.
1. Small talk without a clear purpose
For many people, small talk is a way to build connections, but for an autistic person, it can feel pointless and exhausting. Questions like “How are you?” often seem to expect a vague or socially acceptable answer rather than an honest one. Because autistic people tend to prefer direct and meaningful conversations, the unwritten rule that small talk is necessary before getting to the point can feel frustrating or confusing.
2. Making eye contact to show interest
Eye contact is often seen as a sign of confidence, honesty, or engagement in conversation. But for many autistic people, it can be uncomfortable, distracting, or even overwhelming. Since avoiding eye contact is sometimes misinterpreted as a lack of interest or rudeness, people with autism may feel pressure to force eye contact, even when it doesn’t feel natural to them.
3. Understanding sarcasm and indirect language
Many social interactions involve sarcasm, jokes, or phrases that don’t mean what they literally say. Phrases like “Oh, great” when something bad happens or “I’m fine” when someone clearly isn’t can be confusing. Autistic people often process language literally, so it can take extra effort to work out when someone is joking, being sarcastic, or saying one thing while meaning another.
4. Knowing when it’s their turn to talk
Conversations follow an unspoken rhythm, with pauses, interruptions, and subtle cues that indicate when it’s someone else’s turn to talk. For autistic people, this can be really tough to follow. They may accidentally interrupt someone, not realise it’s their turn to speak, or pause too long before responding, leading to awkward moments in conversations.
5. The expectation to “read the room”
Social situations often rely on subtle signals to indicate the mood of a group, but autistic people sometimes struggle with picking up on these cues. If a room suddenly goes quiet after someone says something, most people instinctively understand why. However, for an autistic person, the reason might not be obvious. Because of this, they might not realise when a topic is making people uncomfortable, or they might unintentionally say something that doesn’t match the emotional tone of the conversation.
6. Unspoken dress codes
Most social settings have an expected way to dress, but these expectations aren’t always clearly communicated. Wearing something too formal or too casual for an occasion can result in judgement, even though there were no clear instructions beforehand. Autistic people often prefer comfort over following social dress codes, but they might still feel the pressure to conform without fully understanding why certain clothing choices are considered more acceptable than others.
7. The idea that certain topics are off-limits
In many social settings, some topics like money, politics, or personal health are considered inappropriate, even if the person discussing them has good intentions. For autistic people, this can be confusing, especially if they find the topic interesting or relevant to the conversation. Since they often value honesty and direct communication, it may not make sense why certain subjects are avoided or why asking direct questions can sometimes make people uncomfortable.
8. The expectation to smile at the right times
Smiling is often used as a way to show friendliness, agreement, or politeness. But for an autistic person, it might not always come naturally, especially if they don’t feel a strong emotion that would lead them to smile. Because not smiling can sometimes be misinterpreted as being unfriendly or uninterested, people with autism might feel pressured to force smiles, even when it feels unnatural.
9. Changing plans at the last minute
Many people adjust plans on the go, whether it’s switching restaurants or deciding to do something spontaneous. But for autistic people, unexpected changes can be stressful, especially if they were mentally prepared for a specific plan. Since many autistic people prefer structure and predictability, sudden changes without warning can feel overwhelming or make it difficult to adapt.
10. Personal space and physical contact rules
Different cultures and social settings have different expectations about personal space, handshakes, and hugs. But these rules can be inconsistent, making it difficult for an autistic person to know when physical contact is expected or appropriate. They may prefer not to be touched but feel pressured to go along with social expectations, or they might misjudge how close to stand when talking to someone, leading to misunderstandings.
11. Understanding group dynamics
In group conversations, there are often shifting alliances, unspoken hierarchies, and subtle social rules that dictate who gets attention. Autistic people sometimes find it hard to navigate these dynamics, especially when group energy changes quickly. They might not realise when they’re dominating a conversation or when people expect them to contribute more, leading to feelings of social isolation or confusion.
12. Giving or receiving compliments
Compliments are often given as a social nicety rather than a genuine statement. A phrase like “Nice to see you” doesn’t always mean the person was actually excited — it’s just expected politeness. For autistic people, figuring out whether a compliment is sincere or just a routine phrase can be confusing. They might also feel awkward responding, especially if they don’t naturally see the point in exchanging compliments just for the sake of it.
13. The unwritten rules of texting and online communication
Even though texting removes face-to-face social pressure, it still has its own set of unspoken rules. Taking too long to reply, responding too quickly, or sending too many messages at once can all be interpreted in ways that autistic people might not intend. They could prefer direct communication but struggle to understand why people expect messages to have a certain tone or why reading between the lines is necessary in digital conversations.
