We all get defensive sometimes—it’s a totally human reaction.
Whether someone gives you feedback, challenges your view, or says something that hits a nerve, your walls go up before you even notice it’s happening. The problem is that staying in that space can make it harder to hear what’s actually being said, and even harder to stay connected to people you care about. If you’re feeling a little bristly, here are some things to quietly keep in mind before your reaction takes over the whole moment.
1. Not every correction is an attack.
When someone points something out, it can feel like they’re coming for you, especially if you’re already on edge. However, feedback isn’t always criticism, and criticism isn’t always meant to harm. Sometimes people are just trying to share their view, not tear you down.
Take a second to breathe before jumping to conclusions. Ask yourself whether the tone felt harsh, or whether your own reaction made it feel sharper than it really was. Most people aren’t trying to take you down. They’re just trying to be heard.
2. You can pause without responding right away.
Defensiveness usually rushes in with urgency. You feel like you have to explain yourself, justify everything, or win the argument on the spot. But you don’t. You’re allowed to take a beat and collect your thoughts before responding. Taking that time is incredibly useful. It keeps you from reacting impulsively, and it gives you a moment to figure out what you’re actually feeling. Sometimes just saying, “I need a second to think about that” is enough to reset the tone.
3. Feeling misunderstood doesn’t mean you were.
It’s normal to feel upset when someone interprets your words or actions differently than you intended. But feeling misunderstood and actually being misunderstood are two different things, and defensiveness tends to blur the line. Try asking clarifying questions instead of jumping straight into explanation mode. You might realise the gap between what you meant and what they heard is smaller than you thought, and easier to bridge than it felt in the moment.
4. Being wrong isn’t the same as being bad.
Sometimes the defensiveness isn’t about what was said; it’s about what it brings up inside you. If you tie your worth to being right, any correction can feel like a personal failure instead of a simple misstep. The thing is, being wrong doesn’t mean you’re unkind, unwise, or incapable. It just means you’re human. Letting go of the idea that you have to be right all the time can make feedback feel a lot less threatening.
5. You don’t have to agree to stay connected.
Sometimes we get defensive because we think disagreement means disconnection, like if we don’t see eye to eye, someone’s going to walk away or think less of us. Of course, healthy relationships can handle different perspectives. You’re allowed to listen without agreeing, and you’re allowed to stand by your point without needing to convince someone else. Not every conversation needs a winner. Sometimes, it just needs openness.
6. It’s okay to feel defensive, but it doesn’t have to lead the conversation.
Shutting down defensiveness completely isn’t always realistic. It’s a reflex, especially when you feel exposed or misunderstood, but you can notice it without letting it steer the interaction. Instead of pushing the feeling away, try saying to yourself, “I’m feeling defensive — what’s that about?” That quiet moment of awareness can shift everything. You don’t have to fight the feeling, just get curious about it.
7. Not everyone is trying to “win,” even if it feels like it.
Defensiveness thrives in situations where everything starts to feel like a battle. You brace yourself, expect the worst, and assume the other person’s trying to one-up or embarrass you. Of course, a lot of the time, they’re just sharing something from their point of view. If you assume the best instead of preparing for the worst, your tone softens and so does theirs. That change can turn a potential argument into a real conversation, without either of you feeling like you’ve lost.
8. Defensiveness often comes from feeling unseen or invalidated.
When someone doesn’t acknowledge where you’re coming from, it can trigger a reflex to explain, correct, or defend yourself. You want to feel understood, and if you’re not, it stings. As a result, the armour goes up. Try naming that need before reacting. “I feel like I’m not being heard” is a more productive way to express yourself than launching into defence mode. It also invites the other person to meet you with empathy instead of resistance.
9. You’re allowed to say, “That hit me harder than I expected.”
If something stings, you don’t have to pretend it didn’t — and you don’t have to hide behind sarcasm, anger, or overexplaining. Owning that something landed hard shows emotional maturity, not weakness. That honesty also tends to shift the dynamic. People are often more compassionate when you drop the defence and show the emotion underneath. Vulnerability creates connection, even in tense conversations.
10. You might be protecting an old wound.
Sometimes you’re not reacting to the present moment. Instead, you’re reacting to the feeling it reminds you of. Maybe it echoes something from childhood, a past relationship, or a time when you were unfairly judged. In those moments, your reaction might feel bigger than the situation really calls for. Recognising that you’re feeling triggered, not just irritated, can help you respond from a place of clarity instead of past pain.
11. You can express yourself without defending every detail.
You don’t have to rebut every point or correct every misunderstanding. Sometimes the most powerful response is simple and grounded, not a point-by-point takedown. Try saying, “I hear you, and here’s how it felt from my side.” That lets you speak your truth without turning it into a debate. It’s not about winning. It’s about being real without pushing someone else away in the process.
12. The urge to explain might be masking the need to be heard.
When you jump into defence mode, it often looks like overexplaining—repeating yourself, clarifying your tone, or rehashing something that already happened. But what you’re really saying underneath all that is, “Please understand where I’m coming from.” Instead of flooding the conversation with more details, try focusing on that need. Letting someone know, “I really want you to understand my intention here,” can go a lot further than five extra paragraphs of justification.
13. You can circle back later if it feels too heated now.
Not everything has to be resolved in the moment, especially if emotions are high and your nervous system is in protect mode. Walking away doesn’t mean giving up. It means recognising that space can create clarity. Letting things settle before returning to the conversation often leads to better outcomes. It gives you time to reflect, and it allows both people to soften before revisiting the issue with less tension and more care.
