We all have moments of selfishness in our relationships.
It’s human nature to put our own needs and wants first sometimes, but if you’re not careful, those little instances of self-centredness can add up and start to chip away at the health and happiness of your partnership. The tricky thing is, a lot of these selfish behaviours are so subtle and ingrained that you might not even realise you’re doing them. So, let’s shine a light on some tiny ways you might be being selfish in your relationship, and what you can do about it.
1. You always choose the film or TV show.
When it comes to entertainment, do you always insist on picking the film or the programme, even if your partner isn’t that into it? Do you get huffy or sulky if they suggest watching something else? This might seem like a small thing, but consistently prioritising your own preferences over your partner’s is a form of selfishness. Try letting them sometimes choose, even if it’s not your cup of tea. You might be surprised at how much you enjoy seeing them happy.
2. You don’t really listen when they’re talking.
Be honest, when your partner is telling you about their day or their thoughts, are you really listening, or are you just waiting for your turn to talk? Do you find yourself zoning out, checking your phone, or mentally planning your response instead of giving them your full attention? This is a common form of selfishness that can make your partner feel unheard and unvalued. Practice active listening by putting away distractions, making eye contact, and asking follow-up questions.
3. You always expect them to do the dirty work.
Source: Unsplash In every relationship, there are certain chores and tasks that no one really wants to do — taking out the bins, cleaning the loo, dealing with that spider in the bathtub. Do you always leave these unpleasant jobs for your partner to handle, even if you’re perfectly capable of doing them yourself? This is a sneaky form of selfishness that can breed resentment over time. Step up and take your turn with the dirty work, even if it’s not your favourite thing.
4. You never compromise on plans.
Source: Unsplash When it comes to making plans for the weekend or holidays, do you always insist on doing things your way, even if your partner has different ideas? Do you shut down their suggestions or make them feel guilty for not wanting to do what you want? This is a classic sign of selfishness that can make your partner feel like their opinions and desires don’t matter. Practice the art of compromise by finding activities and destinations that you both enjoy, even if they’re not your first choice.
5. You always take the best for yourself.
Source: Unsplash When you’re sharing a meal or a treat with your partner, do you always take the biggest piece, the crispiest chip, or the last bite? Do you help yourself to their food without asking, even if they’re still eating? These might seem like small, harmless acts of greed, but they can actually be quite selfish and annoying for your partner. Practice generosity by offering them the best bits sometimes, or at least asking before you snag that last crispy bit of bacon.
6. You don’t make an effort with their friends and family.
Source: Unsplash When it comes to your partner’s loved ones, do you tend to keep your distance or avoid spending time with them? Do you make excuses not to go to family gatherings or roll your eyes when your partner wants to hang out with their mates? This is a form of selfishness that can put a strain on your relationship and make your partner feel like they have to choose between you and the other people they care about. Make an effort to get to know and appreciate the important people in your partner’s life, even if they’re not your cup of tea.
7. You always expect them to take care of you when you’re sick.
Source: Unsplash When you’re feeling under the weather, do you automatically assume that your partner will drop everything to look after you, even if they have their own responsibilities and needs? Do you get grumpy or resentful if they don’t cater to your every whim while you’re ill? This is a common form of selfishness that can put a lot of pressure on your partner and make them feel unappreciated. Try to be as self-sufficient as possible when you’re sick, and express gratitude for any extra care and attention they give you.
8. You don’t make an effort to learn about their interests.
Does your partner have a hobby, a passion, or an area of expertise that you don’t really understand or care about? Do you tune out when they try to tell you about it or change the subject to something you find more interesting? This is a subtle form of selfishness that can make your partner feel like you don’t value the things that are important to them. Make an effort to learn about and engage with their interests, even if they’re not your thing. Ask questions, show curiosity, and let them share their enthusiasm with you.
9. You always expect them to be your emotional crutch.
When you’re feeling down, stressed, or anxious, do you always turn to your partner for support and reassurance, even if they’re dealing with their own issues? Do you get upset or angry if they’re unable to drop everything and focus on your emotional needs? This is a form of emotional selfishness that can be really draining for your partner and put a lot of pressure on the relationship. Try to locate other sources of support and coping mechanisms, like talking to friends, journaling, or seeing a therapist, so that you’re not always relying on your partner to regulate your emotions.
10. You don’t pull your weight with household chores.
Source: Unsplash When it comes to keeping your shared living space clean and tidy, do you tend to leave most of the work to your partner? Do you make excuses for why can’t you help out or promise to do it later but never actually get around to it? This is a classic form of domestic selfishness that can lead to a lot of resentment and frustration in a relationship. Take responsibility for your fair share of the chores, even if it’s not your favourite thing to do. Your partner will appreciate the effort and the sense of teamwork.
11. You always prioritise your own pleasure in the bedroom.
Source: Unsplash When it comes to intimacy and sexual satisfaction, do you tend to focus mainly on your own needs and desires, without much regard for your partner’s? Do you expect them to please you without reciprocating or making sure they’re enjoying themselves too? This is a form of sexual selfishness that can leave your partner feeling used, unappreciated, and unfulfilled. Make an effort to communicate about what you both want and need in the bedroom, and prioritise mutual pleasure and satisfaction.
12. You don’t make an effort to resolve conflicts.
When you and your partner have a disagreement or a fight, do you tend to shut down, give them the silent treatment, or expect them to do all the work of making things right again? Do you hold grudges or bring up past issues instead of focusing on the present problem? This is a form of emotional selfishness that can make conflicts harder to resolve and lead to a build-up of unresolved issues in the relationship. Practice healthy communication and conflict resolution skills, like active listening, taking responsibility for your part, and finding compromises.
13. You don’t show appreciation for the little things.
Source: Unsplash Does your partner do small, thoughtful things for you regularly, like making you a cuppa in the morning, filling up your car with petrol, or picking up your favourite snack from the shop? Do you tend to take these gestures for granted or forget to say thank you? This is a subtle form of selfishness that can make your partner feel unappreciated and taken for granted over time. Make an effort to notice and express gratitude for the little ways your partner shows their love and care for you. A simple “thank you” or “that was really thoughtful of you” can go a long way.
Remember, being selfish in a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person — it just means you have some blind spots and areas for growth, like we all do.
Source: Unsplash The key is to be honest with yourself, listen to your partner’s feedback, and make a conscious effort to be more considerate and generous in your thoughts and actions. With a bit of self-awareness and practice, you can transform those tiny instances of selfishness into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding. Your relationship (and your partner) will thank you for it.
