Being trauma-bonded to a narcissist can be a confusing and painful experience, leaving you feeling trapped and unsure of your own reality.
It’s a complex emotional connection formed through a cycle of manipulation, abuse, and intermittent reinforcement, Verywell Mind explains. While it’s not always easy to recognise, there are certain behaviours that can signal this unhealthy bond. Recognising these signs is the first step towards healing and breaking free from the narcissist’s control.
1. You apologise constantly, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
You find yourself constantly saying “I’m sorry” for things that aren’t your fault. You take the blame for their mistakes and shortcomings, believing it’s easier to appease them than to face their wrath. This constant apologising is a way to avoid conflict and maintain a semblance of peace, even if it means sacrificing your own self-worth. It’s a learned behaviour that reinforces the narcissist’s power over you and keeps you trapped in the cycle of abuse.
2. You make excuses for the narcissist’s harmful behaviour.
Deep down, you know their actions are hurtful and unacceptable, but you find yourself rationalising and justifying their behaviour to yourself and other people. You blame their past traumas, stress, or external circumstances for their cruelty. You may even believe that they didn’t mean to hurt you, or that you somehow provoked them. This denial protects you from facing the painful reality of the situation and keeps you emotionally attached to the narcissist.
3. You constantly second-guess your own perceptions and reality.
The narcissist has made you doubt your own sanity. They gaslight you, twisting your words and denying your experiences. They make you question your own memories and feelings, leaving you feeling confused and disoriented. This constant manipulation erodes your sense of self and makes you reliant on the narcissist for validation and reassurance. You start to believe their version of reality, even if it contradicts your own intuition and experiences.
4. You feel like you can’t leave the relationship, even though it’s toxic.
You may recognise the unhealthy dynamics of the relationship, but you feel trapped and unable to break free. The narcissist may have isolated you from your support system, making you feel dependent on them for everything. They may also use threats, guilt trips, or promises of change to keep you from leaving. This feeling of being stuck is a hallmark of trauma bonding, and it can be incredibly difficult to overcome without outside help.
5. You put the narcissist’s needs above your own, neglecting your well-being.
You prioritise their happiness and comfort, often at the expense of your own. You neglect your own needs, desires, and boundaries in an attempt to please them and avoid conflict. You may sacrifice your own sleep, health, or personal goals to cater to their demands. This self-neglect is a sign of the deep emotional investment you have in the relationship, even if it’s detrimental to your own well-being.
6. You defend the narcissist against criticism from other people.
When friends or family express concern about the narcissist’s behaviour, you jump to their defence. You may downplay their actions, make excuses for them, or even lash out at those who criticise them. This loyalty to the narcissist, even in the face of overwhelming evidence, is a sign of the deep emotional bond you have with them. You may feel a sense of obligation to protect them, even if it means sacrificing your own relationships and support system.
7. You blame yourself for the narcissist’s abusive behaviour.
You internalise the narcissist’s blame and criticism, believing that you are somehow responsible for their actions. You may feel guilty, ashamed, or inadequate, thinking that if you were a better partner, they wouldn’t treat you this way. This self-blame is a common tactic used by narcissists to maintain control and manipulate their victims. It erodes your self-esteem and keeps you trapped in the cycle of abuse, Healthline warns.
8. You constantly try to “fix” or change the narcissist.
You believe that if you love them enough, support them enough, or change yourself enough, they will eventually transform into the loving and caring partner you desire. You invest countless hours and emotional energy trying to “fix” their flaws and heal their wounds. This hope for change is a powerful motivator that keeps you attached to the narcissist, even when faced with repeated disappointment and heartbreak.
9. You feel a sense of relief when the narcissist shows you even a small amount of kindness or affection.
After enduring their constant criticism and emotional distance, even a fleeting moment of warmth or approval feels like a lifeline. This intermittent reinforcement is a powerful tool that narcissists use to maintain control over their victims. It creates a roller coaster of emotions, where you constantly crave their validation and are willing to endure their abuse in hopes of receiving another crumb of love.
10. You find it difficult to trust your own judgment and instincts.
The narcissist’s gaslighting and manipulation have eroded your confidence in your own abilities to make decisions. You doubt your own perceptions and second-guess your every move. This constant self-doubt makes you more reliant on the narcissist for guidance and approval, further solidifying their control over you.
11. You experience a sense of emptiness or loss when the narcissist isn’t around.
Even though the relationship is toxic and draining, you feel kind of empty when they’re not around. You may miss their attention, their drama, or even their abuse. This emotional dependence is a sign of the deep attachment you have formed with them, even if it’s unhealthy and harmful.
12. You isolate yourself from friends and family to avoid conflict or judgment.
You withdraw from your support system, fearing their disapproval or criticism of the relationship. You may feel ashamed of your situation or worry that they won’t understand. This isolation makes you more vulnerable to the narcissist’s manipulation and further strengthens their hold over you.
13. You feel a strong sense of loyalty and obligation to the narcissist, even when they don’t deserve it.
You may defend their actions, make excuses for their behaviour, or even take their side in arguments, even when you know they’re wrong. This misplaced loyalty stems from the emotional bond you have formed with them, as well as the fear of losing them or facing their wrath.
14. You feel responsible for the narcissist’s happiness and well-being, as if their problems are your burden to bear.
You believe that it’s your duty to fix their problems, heal their wounds, and make them happy. This codependent mindset keeps you trapped in the cycle of abuse, as you constantly strive to meet their ever-changing needs and demands, neglecting your own happiness and well-being in the process.
