You probably consider yourself a good parent.
You dedicated your life to raising your kids, and once they grew up, you expected a little gratitude and some kind of reward for all the work you put in. Instead, they’ve distanced themselves from you and don’t seem to want you in their lives. Sadly, this is more common than you’d probably expect. Here’s why your adult children don’t seem to want anything to do with you these days.
1. You never apologise properly.
Your “sorry you felt that way” isn’t actually an apology. When your kids bring up things that hurt them in the past, you defend yourself instead of listening. You turn their pain into a debate about your intentions. Every conversation about difficult memories becomes about protecting your feelings rather than acknowledging theirs. Your refusal to own your mistakes keeps old wounds fresh.
2. You treat them like they’re still teenagers.
You give unsolicited advice about everything from their career to their coffee choices. You act shocked when they make decisions without consulting you first. Their adult experiences and knowledge count for nothing against your opinions. You still expect them to run their life choices by you, then act hurt when they stop sharing things.
3. You ignore their boundaries.
When they say they need space, you push harder for contact. If they ask you not to drop by unannounced, you do it anyway because “you were in the area.” Their requests for privacy feel like personal attacks to you. You treat their boundaries as suggestions rather than firm limits, then wonder why they stop answering your calls.
4. You weaponise guilt.
Every declined invitation becomes a story about how lonely you are. You remind them how much you sacrificed when they were growing up. Photos of empty chairs at family dinners get posted online. Your health mysteriously worsens when they don’t visit enough. Each interaction carries the weight of emotional manipulation.
5. You criticise their choices constantly.
Their job isn’t prestigious enough, their partner isn’t quite right, their home could be bigger. Every achievement comes with a suggestion for improvement. You frame your criticism as concern, but it’s really about control. Nothing they do quite meets your standards, so they’ve stopped trying to impress you.
6. You compete with their partner.
You remind them how no one will love them like their parent does. Their partner’s family traditions get dismissed in favour of yours. You get jealous when they spend holidays with their in-laws. Every decision their partner influences becomes a power struggle. Your need to be first in their life pushes you further down their priority list.
7. You share without permission.
Their private news becomes your social media content. You tell relatives about their struggles without asking. Their personal life becomes gossip material at your coffee mornings. Every confidence they’ve shared gets broadcast to your friends. They’ve learned that telling you anything means everyone will know.
8. You play favourites openly.
One child’s life choices get praised while others’ get questioned. You compare siblings’ achievements, houses, and kids. Family gatherings become a showcase of your preferred child’s success. The different treatment is obvious to everyone, yet you deny it exists. Your favouritism creates rifts that extend beyond your relationship.
9. You refuse to see them as individuals.
You can’t accept that they’ve grown into someone different from what you imagined. Their values and beliefs get dismissed as phases they’ll grow out of. You keep trying to mould them into your vision of who they should be. Their authentic self never seems good enough for your approval.
10. You make everything about you.
Their struggles become stories about how hard it is for you to watch them suffer. Their successes get connected to your parenting choices. Every life event somehow circles back to your feelings about it. They’ve stopped sharing because they’re tired of managing your emotions about their lives.
11. You don’t respect their parenting.
You undermine their rules for their kids when you think they’re not looking. Their parenting choices get questioned and criticised constantly. You tell the grandkids that their parents are too strict. Your refusal to support their parenting decisions makes every visit stressful.
12. You haven’t grown.
You’re still using outdated language that makes everyone uncomfortable. Your views haven’t evolved with the times on important issues. You refuse to learn about things that matter to your kids. Your resistance to change creates an ever-widening gap between you and your children’s world.
13. You demand instant responses.
Multiple missed calls when they don’t reply to a text straight away. Passive-aggressive messages about being ignored. You expect them to drop everything when you need attention. Their busy adult life gets treated like a personal slight against you. Your constant demand for immediate attention makes them pull back even more.
14. You never just listen.
Every problem they share gets met with unwanted solutions. You interrupt their stories to tell them what they should have done differently. Their feelings get dismissed with toxic positivity or minimising comments. They’ve stopped opening up because you never just hear them out without trying to fix, judge, or direct.
