Love feels great when it’s real, but sometimes, what someone loves isn’t actually you — it’s the version of you they’ve built up in their head.
Maybe they’re drawn to an idealised version of you, one that fits their expectations rather than the messy, complex, real person you actually are. When someone falls for the idea of you, they don’t see you for who you are; they see you for who they want you to be. If you’ve ever felt like you’re being put on a pedestal or misunderstood in your own relationship, here’s what might be happening.
1. They ignore the parts of you that don’t fit their fantasy.
When someone loves the idea of you, they focus on the parts that match their expectations and ignore the rest. If you share something about yourself that doesn’t fit their version of you, they brush it off, downplay it, or act like it doesn’t matter.
Maybe they love your confidence but don’t acknowledge your insecurities. Or they admire your ambition but don’t want to hear about your struggles. If they only see the parts of you that they like, they’re not really seeing you at all.
2. They get uncomfortable when you express opinions that challenge theirs.
Real love means embracing someone’s thoughts, even when they’re different from your own. But if someone loves an idea of you, they expect you to think like them. When you express an opinion that doesn’t match theirs, they get defensive, dismissive, or even annoyed.
Instead of appreciating your perspective, they might try to convince you to agree with them or act surprised that you don’t see things the way they do. If your thoughts aren’t being respected, chances are they’re more interested in a version of you that aligns with their own beliefs.
3. They romanticise your relationship instead of putting in the work.
They often picture a “perfect” relationship — one that’s effortless, passionate, and free of conflict. But in reality, real relationships require effort, compromise, and uncomfortable conversations. If they struggle to deal with issues and just want everything to feel like a movie, that’s a red flag.
They might say things like, “Why can’t we just enjoy things?” when you bring up concerns, or they avoid difficult conversations because it ruins the fantasy. A relationship built on an idealised version of love won’t last because real love isn’t always smooth — it’s real.
4. They expect you to always be at your best.
When someone is in love with an idea of you, they struggle when you have bad days, low energy, or moments of doubt. They want you to be the version of yourself that’s fun, strong, and inspiring, not the version that’s tired, frustrated, or struggling. Instead of offering support when you’re down, they pull away or act disappointed. If you feel like you can’t be vulnerable without ruining their image of you, they’re not really in love with the whole you, just the highlight reel.
5. They talk about you like you’re perfect.
Hearing someone say you’re amazing might feel great at first, but if they constantly describe you as flawless, it could mean they’re not really seeing you. Nobody is perfect, and being put on a pedestal can feel suffocating when you know you can’t live up to it.
Real love allows for imperfections. If they get upset or distant the moment you show a side of yourself that isn’t picture-perfect, they were more in love with their idealised version of you than the real person behind it.
6. They ignore your needs and assume you’ll always be fine.
When someone sees you as an idea rather than a person, they don’t think about what you need. That’s because they assume you’re strong enough to handle everything on your own. If you express a need for emotional support, reassurance, or help, they might dismiss it or act surprised.
They might say things like, “I didn’t think you needed that,” or, “You always seem fine.” But no one is fine all the time, and real love means being there even when someone isn’t at their strongest.
7. They get upset when you don’t match their expectations.
They expect you to behave a certain way, and when you don’t, they react with disappointment or even frustration. Maybe they thought you’d be more outgoing, more easygoing, or more of whatever they had in mind, and now they’re struggling to adjust.
Instead of accepting you as you are, they might try to subtly change you, pushing you to be more like the version of you they imagined. If you feel like you’re constantly failing to meet their unspoken expectations, it’s a sign they’re not in love with the real you.
8. They focus on what you represent, not who you are.
Sometimes, people fall in love with what you represent rather than who you actually are. Maybe they see you as their dream partner, their “fix” for loneliness, or proof that they’ve found success in love. They’re more attached to the role you play in their life than to your actual personality.
If you ever feel like they love the idea of having you rather than truly understanding you, that’s a sign something is off. Love should be about connection, not just filling a space in someone’s life.
9. They struggle to handle your flaws.
Everyone has flaws, but when someone is in love with an idealised version of you, they don’t want to see them. They might downplay or ignore them at first, but over time, those flaws become harder for them to accept. Instead of embracing you as a whole person, they may try to “fix” you or act shocked when they realise you’re not as perfect as they imagined. Real love sees and accepts the messy, imperfect parts, not just the polished version.
10. They assume they know you better than you know yourself.
When someone loves the idea of you, they build their own narrative about who you are. They assume they understand you completely, even when you try to correct them. If you tell them something about yourself that doesn’t fit their image of you, they might dismiss it or act like you’re mistaken.
Real love allows you to define yourself. If someone insists they know you better than you know yourself, they’re more invested in their version of you than in truly understanding who you are.
11. They’re in love with your potential, not your present self.
There’s a difference between supporting growth and only loving someone for who they could become. If they constantly talk about how great you’ll be “one day” or focus on your potential rather than who you are now, it could mean they’re not fully appreciating you in the present. You deserve to be loved for who you are today, not just for who someone hopes you’ll become. Growth is great, but love shouldn’t feel like a project.
12. They expect you to “complete” them.
People who love the idea of you often look to you to fix their problems, make them happy, or fill a gap in their life. Instead of seeing you as a whole person, they see you as the missing piece to their puzzle.
Real love isn’t about placing all expectations on another person — it’s about two complete people choosing to be together. If someone makes you feel like you have to be their source of happiness, they’re loving the idea of what you can provide, not who you actually are.
13. You feel more like a character in their story than your own person.
At the end of the day, love should feel like a connection between two real people — not one person fitting into someone else’s fantasy. If you constantly feel like you’re playing a role rather than being yourself, that’s a major red flag. You deserve to be loved for who you actually are, not just for who someone imagines you to be. Real love isn’t about illusions; it’s about seeing, accepting, and cherishing the whole person, flaws and all.
