Growing up with a parent whose behaviour was unpredictable or confusing can be a scarring experience.
After all, you should feel safe, secure, and stable as a kid, and when the people raising you offer none of those things, it messes with your head. However, it’s important to note that sometimes, that erratic behaviour from your parent(s) wasn’t just mood swings or stress — it may have been influenced by a personality disorder. While only a professional can diagnose, these signs might offer insight into whether your parent’s behaviour stemmed from something deeper. Hopefully, if they need help, you can encourage them to seek it.
1. They had extreme mood swings.
Your parent’s mood could change on a dime. One moment they were loving and calm, the next they were shouting or withdrawing completely. These dramatic shifts felt unpredictable and left you constantly walking on eggshells, never sure what version of them you’d get. That inconsistency made it difficult to feel emotionally safe, even on seemingly good days.
2. They saw things in black and white.
Everything was either all good or all bad — there was no middle ground. You were their favourite person one day and a disappointment the next. Their inability to see shades of grey meant you often felt like you were teetering between approval and rejection. This extreme thinking made it impossible to find stability or balance in your relationship with them.
3. They made everything about them.
Conversations, plans, or even your achievements always seemed to loop back to them. If you shared a problem, it somehow became their problem, too. Their self-centred behaviour made it hard for you to feel seen or heard, leaving you emotionally drained. Your needs and feelings often felt secondary or even irrelevant.
4. They were impulsive and unpredictable.
Decisions seemed to be made on a whim, often with no consideration for consequences. Maybe they’d quit jobs suddenly, make big purchases they couldn’t afford, or change plans without warning. The unpredictability created a sense of chaos in your home life. You never knew what to expect, which made it difficult to develop a sense of security.
5. They had intense and unstable relationships.
Their friendships, romantic relationships, or even connections with family were often turbulent. People seemed to come and go, and dramatic fallouts were common. You may have witnessed explosive arguments or sudden, unexplained estrangements. These patterns taught you that relationships were fragile and unpredictable.
6. They always blamed everyone else for their own behaviour.
Nothing was ever their fault. If something went wrong, they pointed the finger at you, a sibling, or anyone else nearby. Their refusal to take responsibility left you feeling confused and guilty, even when you hadn’t done anything wrong. You may have learned to second-guess yourself or take the blame to keep the peace.
7. They used guilt to control you.
Guilt trips were their go-to tactic. If you didn’t do what they wanted, they made you feel like you were letting them down or being ungrateful. Their emotional manipulation left you feeling obligated to meet their needs at the expense of your own. You might still struggle with saying “no” or setting boundaries today.
8. They had an overwhelming fear of abandonment.
Even minor changes in routine or plans could trigger intense reactions. If you spent time with friends or showed signs of independence, they might accuse you of neglecting or abandoning them. This fear could lead to clinginess or outbursts designed to keep you close. Their desperation for reassurance could feel suffocating.
9. They were constantly paranoid or suspicious.
They often suspected people of having hidden motives or conspiring against them. Innocent actions were twisted into something sinister. Their paranoia sometimes meant you had to defend yourself over things you never did, making you feel trapped and misunderstood. You may have felt like you were always under suspicion.
10. Their self-image fluctuated wildly.
One day, they were full of confidence, talking about their talents or importance. The next day, they were filled with self-loathing and insecurity. Their fragile self-image meant you had to adapt quickly, providing reassurance or avoiding topics that might set them off. Their instability made it hard to know who they truly were.
11. They were overly critical or dismissive.
No matter how hard you tried, it was never enough. They criticised your achievements, dismissed your feelings, or belittled your choices. Their constant disapproval chipped away at your self-esteem, leaving you feeling like you couldn’t measure up. Even your happiest moments were overshadowed by their judgement.
12. They had regular, intense outbursts of anger.
Anger came quickly and often seemed out of proportion to the situation. Yelling, breaking things, or slamming doors might have been a regular occurrence. Their inability to regulate their anger made you hyper-aware of their moods and anxious about setting them off. You likely developed coping mechanisms just to avoid conflict.
13. They showed a lack of empathy.
Your feelings, needs, or experiences were rarely considered. When you were upset or hurt, they struggled to offer comfort or understanding. Their lack of empathy left you feeling invisible or unimportant, unsure if your emotions even mattered. It often felt like your role was to care for them, not the other way around.
14. They constantly sought validation and attention.
They needed constant reassurance and praise. If they didn’t get it, they became upset, withdrawn, or dramatic. Their need for attention often overshadowed your needs, making it feel like their emotional state always took priority over yours. You may have found yourself exhausted from trying to keep them happy.
