Relationships with narcissists can be a confusing mix of highs and lows. It’s easy to get caught up in their charm and promises, but it’s important to remember that there are some fundamental things they simply can’t offer. Here’s a reality check on some of the things you shouldn’t expect from a narcissist, no matter how much you hope for them.
1. They can’t (and won’t) provide genuine empathy.
Narcissists struggle to understand or share the feelings of others. Even when they try to be sympathetic, it often comes across as insincere or superficial. They might offer platitudes or advice that misses the mark entirely. This lack of empathy can make you feel alone and misunderstood in the relationship, as your emotions and experiences aren’t truly validated or understood.
2. They can’t offer unconditional love.
A narcissist’s love is always conditional, based on what you can do for them or how you make them look. They might shower you with affection and attention when you’re meeting their needs, but withdraw or become critical when you don’t. This can leave you feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to earn their love and approval.
3. They can’t consistently put your needs first.
Narcissists are inherently self-centred, WebMD notes, and their own needs and desires will always come first. They might occasionally do something nice for you, but it’s usually with an ulterior motive or to get something in return. Don’t expect them to consistently prioritise your well-being or make sacrifices for your happiness. They’re simply not wired that way.
4. They can’t handle criticism or feedback gracefully.
Narcissists have fragile egos and are highly sensitive to any perceived criticism. Even constructive feedback can be met with defensiveness, anger, or retaliation. They might turn the tables and blame you for their shortcomings, or they might try to gaslight you into thinking that you’re the one with the problem. This inability to accept feedback makes it difficult to have healthy communication or resolve conflicts in a meaningful way.
5. They can’t apologise sincerely.
Even when they’re clearly in the wrong, narcissists will rarely offer a genuine apology. They might say the words “I’m sorry,” but it’s often without remorse or a willingness to change their behaviour. They might also offer a backhanded apology that shifts the blame onto you or minimises their own wrongdoing. This lack of accountability can be frustrating and damaging to the relationship.
6. They can’t be trusted to keep your secrets.
Narcissists are often gossipy and indiscreet, and they might use your secrets against you in moments of anger or to gain leverage. They might also share your personal information with others without your consent, simply for their own amusement or to make themselves look better. This lack of trustworthiness can erode the foundation of any relationship.
7. They can’t provide a stable and secure relationship.
Source: Unsplash Relationships with narcissists are often characterised by drama, chaos, and unpredictability. Their mood swings, emotional outbursts, and manipulative tactics can create a toxic environment that leaves you feeling anxious, insecure, and constantly on edge. They might also engage in infidelity, gaslighting, or other forms of abuse, further destabilising the relationship and leaving you feeling emotionally drained and traumatised.
8. They can’t truly change.
Source: Unsplash While narcissists might promise to change, it’s rarely a genuine commitment. Their behaviour is deeply ingrained and often stems from a lack of empathy and a distorted sense of self. While therapy can sometimes help, most narcissists are unwilling or unable to put in the work required for real change. It’s important to be realistic about their limitations and not hold on to false hope that they will magically transform into a different person.
9. They can’t show genuine remorse or guilt.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists may apologise, but it’s rarely a true apology that comes from a place of understanding or remorse. Instead, it’s often a calculated move to appease you, manipulate you, or avoid conflict. They might say the words “I’m sorry,” but their actions often don’t align with their words. They might repeat the same hurtful behaviour again and again, showing a lack of genuine remorse or a desire to change.
10. They can’t NOT twist your words and actions.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and they’ll often twist your words or actions to make you doubt yourself or feel guilty. They might accuse you of being overly sensitive, misinterpreting their intentions, or blowing things out of proportion. This gaslighting tactic is designed to make you question your own sanity and make it easier for them to control you. They’ll create a false narrative where you’re always the problem, while they are the victim.
11. They can’t own their flaws without projecting them.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists have a way of taking their own negative traits and attributing them to you. If they’re insecure, they’ll accuse you of being insecure. If they’re selfish, they’ll say you’re the selfish one. This projection is a defence mechanism that allows them to avoid facing their own shortcomings. It’s also a way to deflect blame and make you feel bad about yourself.
12. They can’t stop playing the victim.
Narcissists love to play the victim, even when they’re clearly in the wrong. They might exaggerate their own struggles, downplay your pain, or even fabricate stories to make themselves look like the innocent party. This is a way to gain sympathy and support from others, while simultaneously making you feel guilty and responsible for their problems.
13. They can’t allow you to be too close to your support system.
Narcissists often try to isolate you from your friends and family, MindBodyGreen warns. They might criticise your loved ones, discourage you from spending time with them, or even try to create conflict between you and them. This isolation makes you more dependent on them and easier to control. They want to be your sole source of validation and support, so they can manipulate you more easily.
14. They can’t respect your boundaries.
Narcissists love to push your buttons and see how far they can go. They might make inappropriate remarks, violate your personal space, or disregard your feelings. They’re constantly testing your limits to see how much they can get away with. This behaviour is not only disrespectful, but it’s also a way for them to gain power and control over you. They want to see how much you’ll tolerate before you push back, and they’ll use that information to their advantage.
