Your parents may have provided for all of your physical needs, but if their EQ was on the low side, your childhood was likely lacking in some big ways.
Emotional intelligence allows you to understand feelings — your own and other people’s — and makes you more empathetic, nurturing, and supportive. If your mum and dad struggled in this department, you may have felt invalidated, misunderstood, or even unheard growing up. While it wasn’t intentional, of course, that hardly matters. Being the child of parents with low EQ means you’ll likely relate to many of these experiences. In fact, many of them probably still happen today!
1. They struggled to validate your feelings.
If you ever tried to express your emotions, only to be told you were overreacting or too sensitive, you’re not alone. Parents with low emotional intelligence often lack the tools to validate or even acknowledge their child’s feelings, which can leave you feeling dismissed or unseen. As an adult, you might find yourself overexplaining your emotions, but learning to self-validate can be freeing. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid, even if other people can’t grasp them.
2. Emotional conversations were awkward or avoided.
Talking about feelings in your household might have felt like trying to discuss quantum physics with a stranger—uncomfortable and full of dodging. Instead of open discussions, you might have been met with silence, jokes, or a change of subject. While it might make you hesitant to open up now, practice having small emotional conversations with trusted people. The more you do it, the easier it becomes to share your feelings.
3. Apologies weren’t a thing.
Admitting they were wrong might have been a skill your parents never mastered, leaving you to grow up feeling like conflicts lacked closure. This can make apologies feel foreign or even uncomfortable for you now. To break the cycle, start normalising apologies in your own life. Practise saying sorry when you’re in the wrong—it’s surprisingly empowering and builds healthier connections.
4. They had a “just toughen up” mindset.
When faced with challenges, you might have been told to simply push through, suck it up, or stop crying. While resilience is important, the lack of a safe space to land can make you feel unsupported or overly self-reliant. As an adult, it’s okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable without guilt. Lean on friends or a partner when you need support—it’s not weakness; it’s connection.
5. They couldn’t handle your big emotions.
If you ever cried or got angry, your parents may have acted like it was too much for them to handle, leaving you to feel ashamed of your emotions. This might have taught you to bottle things up, only to have them explode later. Learning to regulate emotions as an adult means creating a safe space for yourself to feel without judgement. Journaling or even venting to a trusted friend can help you let things out in a healthy way.
6. Problem-solving was either extreme or non-existent.
Your parents might have either gone into overdrive trying to fix your problems or dismissed them as unimportant. Neither approach helped you learn how to solve things independently. Now, focus on breaking tasks into manageable steps instead of stressing about finding the perfect solution. It’s okay not to have all the answers at once.
7. Criticism was harsh, not constructive.
If your parents focused more on what you did wrong rather than how to do better, it might have left you with a harsh inner critic. Over time, this voice can wear down your confidence. Start practising self-compassion by recognising progress rather than perfection. Celebrating small wins can retrain your brain to see the positives in yourself and other people.
8. They had trouble setting or respecting boundaries.
Boundaries may not have existed in your household, or they might have been enforced in ways that felt controlling. It could make it hard for you to set or stick to boundaries now. Start small—practice saying no to little things and build your confidence in asserting yourself. Respecting your own limits is a skill worth mastering.
9. Their reactions to mistakes were over the top.
Whether it was a broken glass or a bad grade, small mistakes might have felt like catastrophic events. Now, you probably dread failure to the point that you might be afraid to try new things. Remember, mistakes are just steps in learning, not the end of the world. Reframe failures as opportunities to grow, and don’t let perfectionism hold you back.
10. Emotional outbursts were common.
If your parents often lashed out or had emotional meltdowns, it might have felt like walking on eggshells. Growing up in such an environment can leave you anxious about other people’s moods. Learning to ground yourself with deep breathing or mindfulness exercises can help when emotions feel overwhelming. It’s okay to step back from situations that feel volatile.
11. They struggled to express affection.
Parents who lacked emotional intelligence might have found it difficult to show warmth or affection, leaving you craving validation. It may mean that you tend to overcompensate in relationships, seeking constant reassurance. Remind yourself that you are deserving of love, even if it wasn’t expressed openly in your childhood. Building self-acceptance can help fill the gaps.
12. Communication often felt like a battle.
Conversations might have turned into arguments, or you felt like you were talking to a brick wall. No wonder you ended up feeling frustrated or hesitant to communicate in conflict now. Learning to approach disagreements calmly and listening to understand rather than respond can help create healthier dynamics in your current relationships.
13. They relied on you emotionally.
If your parents treated you like their therapist, it might have left you feeling overly responsible for their mental and emotional health. As an adult, this can make it hard to prioritise yourself without guilt. Remember, it’s okay to step back and let people handle their own emotions. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so take care of yourself first.
14. You felt like you had to parent them.
If you often had to manage your parents’ emotions or responsibilities, you might have grown up too quickly. As a result, you end up feeling overly responsible in adult relationships, taking on more than your fair share. Start recognising what is and isn’t yours to carry. Learning to delegate or share responsibilities can ease the weight and lead to more balanced relationships.
