Love isn’t always sunshine and roses. Sometimes, the people we trust most can also be the most manipulative. From subtle undermining to outright threats, there are some pretty common ways partners try to control each other and the red flags to watch out for.
1. They play the victim to make you feel guilty.
This tactic relies on their partner feeling sorry for them and backing down. The manipulator might exaggerate their problems, play up a past hardship, or twist the situation to portray themselves as an innocent victim. Their goal is simple: they want to get their way, WebMD explains. By inducing a sense of guilt, they can make even unreasonable demands seem like a necessary act of kindness on your part. If you frequently feel obligated to rescue or fix things for your partner, consider whether they might be manipulating your sense of empathy.
2. They use gaslighting to make you question your own reality.
Gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of manipulation. The manipulator intentionally distorts facts, denies things that clearly happened, or undermines their partner’s perception of reality. They might tell you, “It didn’t happen like that,” or “You’re being too sensitive.” The purpose is to wear down their partner’s self-confidence, making them doubt their own memory and judgment. Over time, the victim of gaslighting may start to genuinely feel confused and unsure about their own experiences.
3. They withhold affection or attention as a way to get control.
Affection, intimacy, and quality time are essential for a healthy relationship. But a manipulator can turn them into bargaining chips. They might refuse to communicate openly, give you the cold shoulder, or withdraw physically as a way to punish you or get you to act a certain way. Affection suddenly becomes conditional, leaving the other partner feeling insecure and desperate to earn back their partner’s approval.
4. They use explosive anger to intimidate you into submission.
Some manipulators lash out with fits of rage, outbursts, or threats to control you. This might include yelling, name-calling, blaming, or even the threat of physical violence. This extreme behavior creates fear and uncertainty, making the victim less likely to challenge them or stand their ground. The partner might walk on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering another outburst and sacrificing their own needs to appease the manipulator.
5. They make you feel like you’re constantly letting them down.
This subtle manipulation tactic creates unreasonable expectations. The manipulator might express disappointment often or have excessively high standards they know you can’t live up to. They’ll make you feel like you’re never doing enough or not good enough. The goal is to chip away at your self-esteem and create a sense of obligation. The victim of this manipulation might feel like they always need to try harder to please their partner, a never-ending pursuit that leaves them feeling constantly inadequate.
6. They isolate you from friends and family to gain control.
Healthy relationships thrive when couples have support systems beyond just each other. A manipulative partner might try to limit your contact with loved ones. They could act jealous of your friendships, criticize those close to you, or make it difficult to see them. This deliberate isolation makes the victim more dependent on the manipulator and weakens their outside sources of perspective and support.
7. They shower you with excessive praise and gifts (especially at the beginning).
This tactic, known as “love bombing,” is a way to quickly establish a powerful bond and create a sense of indebtedness. Be wary if a new partner seems too good to be true, showering you with over-the-top affection, grand gestures, and promises of a perfect future together. The goal is to sweep you off your feet so you don’t notice their less desirable traits. Once you’re hooked, the manipulator might pull back or start making unreasonable demands, knowing you’re invested and eager to please them.
8. They give you the silent treatment to punish you.
When a manipulator is upset, they might refuse to communicate. They’ll ignore your calls and texts, shut down conversations, or give you the cold shoulder. This silent treatment is a way to punish you, control the situation, and leave you feeling anxious and begging for their attention. Giving in to their demands becomes the only way to resolve the unsettling silence.
9. They compare you to others to make you feel insecure.
A manipulator preys on their partner’s insecurities, often by making comparisons to others. They might bring up an ex, a friend of theirs, or even a stranger to make you feel less attractive, intelligent, or successful. The goal is to undermine your self-confidence and make you feel like you constantly need to prove yourself worthy of their affection.
10. They twist your words and make you the “bad guy.”
Some manipulators are masters at turning any conflict around. They might misinterpret your words, take things out of context, or blame you for problems they caused. The goal is to make you feel guilty, defensive, and at fault. Eventually, you might even start apologizing for things you didn’t do, just to end the argument and restore a sense of peace.
11. They threaten to leave the relationship to get you to act a certain way.
Threatening to leave, break up, or file for divorce can be a powerful manipulation tool. The manipulator creates fear of abandonment to get you to comply with their wishes. They understand what you value most and will exploit those vulnerabilities to make you more malleable. Constantly having your relationship hanging in the balance creates a climate of anxiety and uncertainty, leaving you desperate to maintain the status quo.
12. They minimize your accomplishments to deflate your ego.
A manipulative partner might find subtle ways to undermine your achievements. They could be quick to point out minor flaws in your work, downplay the importance of a project you’ve completed, or suggest your success was due to luck rather than skill. The aim is to chip away at your confidence and keep you feeling like you’ll never be good enough for them, regardless of how much you achieve.
13. They bring up past mistakes to stir up guilt.
While everyone makes mistakes, a manipulative partner won’t let you forget yours. They might dig up old conflicts, reopen healed wounds, or twist a past mistake into proof of your bad character. This tactic allows them to deflect blame during current arguments and keep you on the defensive. You might constantly feel the need to apologize or explain yourself, years after the initial event.
14. They convince you that their manipulative behaviors are proof of how much they care.
In a particularly deceptive twist, some manipulators frame their control tactics as a sign of intense love. They might make statements like, “If I didn’t care so much, I wouldn’t get so jealous” or “I only criticize you because I want you to be the best version of yourself.” This distorts your perception of love and can make it harder for you to recognize their behaviors as unhealthy and unacceptable.
