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Photographer: Dragos CondreaEver feel like you’re a bit too involved in your partner’s life? Maybe you’re constantly checking their phone, questioning their decisions, or trying to micromanage their every move. If this sounds familiar, you might be exhibiting controlling behaviour in your relationship. No shame in admitting it — it happens! However, it’s important to recognise and address this behaviour because it can be toxic and damaging to your connection.
1. Acknowledge that you have a problem.
The first step towards change is recognising that there’s a problem. Admit to yourself that you have controlling tendencies. It’s not easy, but it’s a crucial step towards growth. Be honest with yourself about the ways in which you try to control your partner. Once you’ve identified the problem, you can start working towards a solution.
2. Understand the root cause of your behaviour.
Controlling behaviour often stems from insecurity, fear, or past trauma, WebMD explains. Take some time to reflect on your own experiences and emotions. What triggers your need to control? Are you afraid of being abandoned, betrayed, or hurt? Once you understand the root cause of your behaviour, you can start addressing it and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
3. Communicate openly and honestly with your partner.
Talk to your partner about your controlling tendencies and how they’re affecting the relationship. Be honest about your fears and insecurities. This open communication can help build trust and understanding between you. Encourage your partner to share their perspective as well. Remember, communication is a two-way street.
4. Practice active listening and empathy.
When your partner is talking, really listen to what they have to say. Don’t interrupt, offer unsolicited advice, or try to fix their problems. Instead, focus on understanding their perspective and validating their feelings. This will help build a stronger emotional connection and create a sense of trust and respect in your relationship.
5. Respect your partner’s autonomy and individuality.
Your partner is not an extension of you. They are their own person with their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Respect their autonomy and individuality by allowing them to make their own choices and decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Remember, you can’t control everything, and it’s okay for your partner to have different preferences and priorities than you.
6. Learn to trust your partner.
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you have trust issues, it can be difficult to let go of control, but if you want your relationship to thrive, you need to learn to trust your partner. This means believing that they have your best interests at heart, that they’re honest and faithful, and that they’ll make good decisions. Trusting your partner can be scary, but it’s a necessary step towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
7. Set healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are essential in any relationship, and they’re especially important when dealing with controlling behaviour, CNBC notes. Establish clear boundaries about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Communicate these boundaries to your partner and make sure they’re respected. This will help create a more balanced and equitable dynamic where both of you feel safe and respected.
8. Focus on your own needs and happiness.
Instead of trying to control your partner’s life, focus on your own needs and happiness. Pursue your own interests, hobbies, and passions. Take time for self-care and do things that make you feel good. When you’re happy and fulfilled in your own life, you’re less likely to feel the need to control your partner. You’ll also be a more attractive and engaging partner, which can strengthen your relationship overall.
9. Challenge your negative thoughts and assumptions.
Controlling behaviour often stems from negative thoughts and assumptions about your partner or the relationship. When you catch yourself having these thoughts, challenge them. Are they based on reality, or are they fuelled by fear and insecurity? By questioning your negative thoughts, you can start to replace them with more positive and realistic ones.
10. Practice self-reflection and mindfulness.
Source: Unsplash Take some time each day to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Notice when you’re feeling the urge to control your partner, and ask yourself why. What triggers this behaviour? What are you afraid of? Mindfulness practices like meditation or deep breathing can also help you become more aware of your emotions and reactions, making it easier to manage your controlling tendencies.
11. Learn to let go and embrace imperfection.
Source: Unsplash Nobody’s perfect, including your partner. Trying to control them or change them to fit your ideal image is a recipe for disappointment and frustration. Instead, learn to accept their flaws and imperfections. Embrace the messiness of real life and focus on appreciating the unique qualities that make your partner special.
12. Focus on building trust and intimacy.
Source: Unsplash Controlling behaviour can quickly destroy trust and intimacy in a relationship. If you want to create a deeper connection with your partner, focus on building trust. Be honest and transparent in your communication, keep your promises, and follow through on your commitments. Show your partner that you trust them by giving them space and autonomy. This will help to create a safe and secure environment where both of you can thrive.
13. Seek professional help if needed.
Source: Unsplash If you’re struggling to overcome your controlling behaviour on your own, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist can help you understand the root cause of the way you’re acting, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and learn to build trust and intimacy in your relationship. With the right support and guidance, you can break free from the cycle of control and create a more fulfilling and loving partnership.
14. Remember, it’s a journey, not a destination.
Source: Unsplash Changing deeply ingrained behaviours takes time and effort. There will be setbacks and challenges along the way. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your small victories. Don’t get discouraged if you slip up occasionally; it’s a normal part of the learning process. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward. Remember, a healthy and fulfilling relationship is worth the effort.
