Sometimes, however unintentionally, you might respond to people’s emotions in a way that makes them feel invalidated, misunderstood, or even belittled.
You’d never do it on purpose, of course; in fact, it often comes from trying to help, fix, or offer a different perspective on whatever it is they’re going through. Unfortunately, no matter how subtle that feeling of invalidation, it can make someone feel like their emotions aren’t “right” or that they’re overreacting when really, they’re responding in a totally normal way. Here are some common ways this can happen, along with why they can feel dismissive, even when meant with good intentions.
1. Telling them they’re overreacting
Even if something seems small to you, that doesn’t mean it feels small to the person experiencing it. Telling someone they’re overreacting implies that their emotions are too much, which could make them feel embarrassed or reluctant to share how they feel in the future.
Instead of judging the size of their reaction, a way to be more supportive is to acknowledge their feelings. Saying something like “I can see why that upset you” can help them feel heard, even if you don’t fully relate to what they’re going through.
2. Telling them to “just think positive”
Encouraging someone to focus on the positives might seem like a good way to help, but it can actually feel dismissive. It’s basically saying that they should simply push aside their negative feelings instead of processing them.
While positivity has its place, tough emotions need space too. Instead of forcing an immediate silver lining, try acknowledging what they’re going through first. “That sounds really hard” can go much further than an attempt to change their mindset (or at least feel a little less alone).
3. Comparing their feelings to someone else’s
“Some people have it worse” or “At least it’s not as bad as…” are phrases that can feel invalidating (and really obnoxious), even when meant to provide perspective. Pain isn’t a competition, and reminding someone that other people have struggles doesn’t make their feelings or experiences any less real.
Perspective can be helpful when someone reaches for it themselves, but when forced, it often makes people feel like their emotions aren’t justified. Instead of comparison, simply listening and letting them express how they feel can be much more supportive.
4. Minimising their experience with “It’s not that big of a deal”
Even if something doesn’t seem like a big deal from the outside, it’s a big deal to the person feeling it. Saying this, even lightly, can make them feel like they’re being dramatic or making too much of something. Instead, recognising their emotions as valid, even if you don’t fully understand why they’re upset, helps them feel safe expressing themselves. Literally, something as simple as, “That sounds so frustrating!” can make a huge difference.
5. Offering fixes instead of listening
When someone shares how they feel, they’re often looking for understanding, not a fix. Jumping straight into problem-solving can feel like you’re bypassing their emotions rather than acknowledging them. Instead of immediately suggesting what they should do, try asking, “Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?” That bit of consideration and courtesy can make them feel supported instead of brushed aside.
6. Claiming their version of events didn’t happen
Even if you remember a situation differently, challenging someone’s experience in the moment can feel dismissive. People’s emotions are shaped by their own perspectives, and telling them they’re wrong can make them feel unheard. Rather than correcting their version of events, focus on their feelings about it. Saying, “I can see why that upset you” acknowledges their emotions without getting into a debate over what exactly happened.
7. Making a joke out of their feelings
Sometimes, humour is used to lighten the mood, but when someone is upset, making a joke out of it can make them feel like their emotions aren’t being taken seriously. Even light teasing can come across as dismissive.
Instead of trying to make things “less serious,” letting them express their feelings without minimising them shows that you respect what they’re going through. If humour is your usual response, try asking first, “Do you want to talk about it seriously, or do you need a distraction?”
8. Telling them they should be grateful
Source: Unsplash Gratitude is important, but forcing someone to feel thankful when they’re struggling can feel dismissive. Saying, “You should be grateful for what you have” can make them feel guilty for having negative emotions at all. People can feel gratitude and struggle at the same time. Instead of pushing them to see the bright side immediately, allowing them to process their emotions first creates a more supportive space.
9. Pointing out that it could be worse
Even if something could be worse, that doesn’t mean what they’re experiencing isn’t hard. This is just a way of shutting down conversation rather than making someone feel better. Instead of reminding them how much worse things could be, acknowledging their current feelings—without comparison—can help them feel understood. It’s way more comforting to say something like, “That sounds really tough, I’m sorry you’re going through that.”
10. Brushing it off with, “You’ll be fine”
Source: Unsplash While it’s meant to be reassuring, telling someone they’ll be fine can feel like their emotions are being dismissed. It skips over what they’re feeling in the present and pushes them to move on too quickly. Even if you believe things will get better (and they most likely will, to be fair), acknowledging where they are right now is important. A better response might be, “I know this is really hard for you right now, and I’m here for you.”
11. Changing the subject too quickly
When someone shares something emotional, shifting the topic too fast can make them feel like their feelings are too much. Even if you’re uncomfortable with emotional conversations, letting them speak without rushing to another topic is important. A simple way to keep the space open is by asking, “Do you want to talk more about this?” before moving on. It gives them the choice to continue or shift gears when they’re ready.
12. Dismissing their feelings as a personality trait
Calling someone “too sensitive” or saying “You always get upset over things like this” can make them feel like their emotions are a flaw rather than something valid. Labelling someone’s reactions instead of addressing what they’re feeling can create distance instead of connection. Instead, focusing on what they need in that moment rather than how often they feel a certain way can make a huge difference. Saying “I’m here for you” reassures them without making them feel judged.
13. Expecting them to just move on
Everyone processes emotions at their own pace. Pushing someone to move on before they’re ready can feel like their feelings are being dismissed rather than worked through. Instead of urging them to let go of something before they’re ready, giving them time and space to process can be far more helpful. Letting them know that you’re there for them as long as they need shows patience and understanding.
14. Not acknowledging their feelings at all
Sometimes, silence itself can feel invalidating. If someone opens up and receives no real response, they might feel like their emotions don’t matter. Even just acknowledging how tough their situation is can make them feel seen and supported. People don’t always need deep conversations; sometimes, they just need to know that what they’re feeling is acknowledged. A small effort to validate their emotions can go a long way in making them feel understood.
