You might think your relationship is all romance and roses, but sometimes behaviours that masquerade as love are actually toxic and unhealthy.
Just because someone says they adore you doesn’t mean they’re treating you right. Some supposed signs of affection are really red flags in disguise. If you want to protect your emotional well-being, watch out for these 15 behaviours that seem like love but are in reality anything but.
1. Wanting to be with you 24/7
While it’s normal to want to spend a lot of time with your partner, demanding to be together every waking moment is suffocating, not sweet. We all need time to ourselves and with our own friends. A partner who can’t stand to be away from you for even a few hours and goes into crisis mode when you want solo time has unhealthy attachment issues. Interdependence and a strong sense of self outside the relationship are important.
2. Getting unreasonably jealous
A little bit of jealousy is human nature, but regularly accusing you of flirting with other people, cheating, or giving you the third degree about totally innocent interactions is toxic jealousy and a sign of deep insecurity. You should be able to maintain friendships and work relationships without your partner pitching a fit. Constantly having to reassure them that you’re not up to no good is emotionally exhausting. Irrational jealousy isn’t about love, but a need for control.
3. Monitoring your every move
It’s fine to check in with each other, but feeling like your partner is constantly keeping tabs on you and scrutinising all your activities is a major red flag. If they demand to know where you are and who you’re with at all times, comb through your texts and DMs, and make you FaceTime to prove your whereabouts, that’s not concern, that’s surveillance. A loving partner trusts you and respects your privacy. Tracking your every move is controlling.
4. Brushing off your interests and hobbies
A supportive partner takes an interest in the things you’re passionate about, even if it’s not their cup of tea. Openly disparaging your hobbies, calling them a waste of time, or forbidding you from pursuing them is dismissive and disrespectful. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader, not a critic pooh-poohing the activities that make you light up. Truly loving someone means encouraging them to do more of what brings them joy, not less.
5. Guilt-tripping you when you set boundaries
Healthy relationships require clear boundaries. You have every right to say no to things you’re not comfortable with, to assert your needs, and to carve out time for yourself. If your partner lays on the guilt trips or gives you the silent treatment when you set perfectly reasonable boundaries, that’s manipulation, not love. Someone who cares about you will respect your limits and autonomy, not pressure you into ignoring your own needs to cater to theirs.
6. Needing constant validation from you
Everyone appreciates some reassurance now and then, but if your partner’s entire wellbeing hinges on you constantly propping up their self-esteem, that’s an unhealthy dynamic. You can’t be the sole source of their confidence and security. Having to walk on eggshells and incessantly reaffirm your devotion so they don’t fall apart is a massive burden. Real love is secure. It doesn’t require non-stop ego stroking to stave off spirals of anxiety and insecurity.
7. Making major decisions without consulting you
Relationships should be a partnership with open communication and joint decision making, especially when it comes to big life choices that impact you both. A partner who frequently makes unilateral decisions without even discussing it with you first — whether that’s booking a holiday, taking a job in another city, or adopting a puppy — isn’t showing love but a lack of consideration for you. You deserve to be an equal part of the decision making process.
8. Expecting you to fix all their problems
It’s one thing to be supportive when your partner is going through a rough patch. But if they treat you like an on-call therapist and expect you to solve all their problems, that’s not a healthy dynamic. You can’t be the sole manager of their emotions and the fixer of all their woes. That’s way too much pressure. A partner who truly loves you will take responsibility for their own emotional wellbeing, not offload it all onto you.
9. Holding grudges and throwing past mistakes in your face
None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes. But if your partner is still guilting you about something that happened ages ago and regularly uses your past errors as a weapon against you in arguments, that’s toxic. Forgiveness is essential in relationships. Holding long-standing grudges and bringing up ancient history to score points is the opposite of loving. If they can’t let go of the past, they’re sabotaging the future.
10. Passive-aggressive comments and behaviours
Snide remarks, the silent treatment, leaving you on read — passive-aggressive behaviour isn’t cute or playful, it’s childish and hurtful. If your partner can’t communicate openly and maturely when something is bothering them, but resorts to sulking, sarcasm or pettiness instead, that’s not a sign of love but of emotional immaturity. You deserve to be with someone who addresses issues head-on with compassion and respect, not thinly veiled hostility.
11. Giving you the silent treatment when upset
Needing some alone time to cool off when emotions are running high is reasonable. But if your partner straight up refuses to speak to you for extended periods when they’re angry, that’s not a healthy conflict resolution strategy. Love means working through disagreements together. The silent treatment is a toxic power play designed to shut down communication and make you feel isolated and desperate. It’s punishment, not problem-solving.
12. Stonewalling or deflecting during difficult conversations
Relationships require open and honest communication, especially during tense times. If your partner responds to every attempt to discuss serious issues by changing the subject, making jokes, or flat out refusing to engage, that’s not love, it’s avoidance. Stonewalling you by withdrawing or deflecting robs you of the opportunity to work through problems together. It’s immature and erodes trust. Healthy couples are willing to navigate challenges as a team.
13. Making you feel guilty for time with friends and family
Source: Unsplash No matter how in love you are, maintaining close relationships with friends and family is important. If your partner makes you feel bad for spending time with other people or demands that you choose them over everyone else, that’s controlling, not caring. Trying to isolate you from your support network is a major warning sign. If they truly love you, they’ll encourage you to nurture ALL the meaningful connections in your life, not just with them.
14. Frequently testing your love and devotion
Source: Unsplash If your partner is always setting up little “tests” of your love and dedication, that’s manipulative game playing, not genuine affection. Intentionally trying to make you jealous, threatening to break up during arguments to see how you’ll react, or hinting that you’d cheat if propositioned are toxic mind games. Truly caring partners show trust and security. They don’t need to constantly “test” your love in order to feel confident in it.
15. Saying “I love you” to avoid accountability
Source: Unsplash Those three little words can be intoxicating to hear, but if your partner busts them out every time you’re trying to address a legitimate relationship issue, that’s a problem. Quickly professing their love when they’re actually deflecting responsibility, avoiding a difficult conversation, or trying to smooth over bad behaviour isn’t cool. Healthy love means showing up to do the hard work, not using empty words to dodge accountability.
