Being cut off by your adult children can be devastating.
You’re probably wondering why and what you did wrong. While every situation is unique, here are 15 common reasons adult children give for cutting off contact with their parents. While casting blame doesn’t help anything, understanding their perspective is important. If you see your own behaviours reflected here, it’s not too late to make changes and heal the relationship, if your children are open to it.
1. Your constant criticism and negativity is soul-destroying to be around.
If every interaction with you is an onslaught of criticism, putdowns, and negativity, it’s soul-destroying for your child. No matter what they do, it’s never good enough. You nitpick and find fault with everything from their career to their love life to how they load the dishwasher. Everyone has their breaking point, and sometimes they have to cut you off for their own sanity.
2. You refuse to respect their boundaries, even when clearly communicated.
They’ve told you clearly what their boundaries are, but you stomp all over them. You show up unannounced, meddle in their business, give unsolicited advice, and don’t respect their privacy. When you refuse to respect their reasonable adult boundaries, it violates trust and makes a healthy relationship impossible.
3. Abuse of any kind, past or present, is never acceptable.
Abuse is never acceptable, period, even from a parent. Verbal abuse, physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional manipulation — it’s all wrong, and your adult child has every right to cut an abusive parent out of their life. Don’t try to guilt them into maintaining a relationship with their abuser.
4. Narcissistic behaviours and gaslighting are exhausting to deal with.
If you’re a narcissistic parent, you view your children as extensions of yourself. Everything is always about you. You gaslight them, twisting reality to suit your narrative. You demand constant praise and attention. A relationship with a narcissist is exhausting and demoralising. Sometimes the only solution is for your child to cut you off.
5. Blatant favouritism and unfair treatment breeds resentment.
It’s devastating for a child when a parent blatantly favours one child over others. The unfavoured child is always compared negatively to the golden child who can do no wrong. This breeds resentment and damages the child’s self-esteem. When you refuse to treat your children fairly, even in adulthood, cutting ties may be their only option.
6. Toxic behaviours like addiction or criminality are dangerous to be around.
When you engage in toxic behaviours like substance abuse, gambling addiction or criminal activity, being around you is dangerous and enabling for your child. They can still love you while recognising they need to protect themselves by cutting off contact. Your toxic lifestyle will only drag them down with you.
7. Fundamental differences in values and beliefs can be irreconcilable.
Perhaps you and your child have core values that are diametrically opposed — like political, religious or moral beliefs. When you keep aggressively pushing your views and attacking theirs, it makes a respectful relationship impossible. Sometimes these fundamental differences are too much to overcome.
8. Betrayals of trust shatter the foundation of the relationship.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. When you betray your child’s trust in a major way, it shatters the relationship. Maybe you stole money from them, lied about something important, or betrayed them to other family members. When trust is destroyed, there’s often no going back.
9. Using money to manipulate is unfair and damages the relationship.
Some parents use money as a weapon to control their adult children. You hold inheritances over their head or give “gifts” with strings attached. It’s manipulative and puts your child in an impossible situation. Cutting ties is sometimes the only way for them to break free of the financial and emotional manipulation.
10. Sabotaging their other relationships is crossing a major line.
If you’re trying to sabotage your adult child’s other relationships, like with their spouse, children, friends or siblings, that’s crossing a major line. When you triangulate, gossip, and drive wedges, you’re interfering in their major life relationships. If you actively try to destroy their other relationships, they may cut you off as a matter of self-preservation.
11. The constant drama and chaos you create is exhausting.
Life with some parents is constant chaos. Everything is a huge drama, every molehill a mountain. If you thrive on conflict and drag your child into one crisis after another, usually of your own making, that’s exhausting for them. They’re not obligated to get sucked into your self-created dramas forever.
12. Refusing to apologise or admit when you’re wrong makes it impossible to resolve issues.
Source: Unsplash We all make mistakes, but if you’re a parent who never owns up to their mistakes, that’s toxic. If you’re always right and your child is always wrong, if you hurt them but won’t acknowledge it, that lack of accountability makes it impossible to resolve issues or heal old wounds. Your child can’t have a relationship with you if you refuse to take responsibility.
13. Weaponising guilt is manipulative and damaging.
Some parents are masters of guilt. If you weaponise obligation, using phrases like “after everything I’ve done for you” or “I’m your mother/father,” that’s manipulative. If you guilt your child over tiny things and expect them to prioritise you above all else, that’s toxic. Cutting ties may be the only way for them to live life on their own terms.
14. If you’re unable to change or acknowledge problems, there’s no path forward.
Your child has probably given you countless chances. They’ve tried to talk it out, set boundaries, suggest counselling. But if you simply won’t change or even acknowledge the need to, they may lose hope. If they face the painful truth that this is who you are, and you’re not willing to change, walking away is an act of realism and self-care for them.
15. They need to protect their own children from toxic or abusive behaviours.
When your adult child becomes a parent themselves, their priority is protecting their kids. If you are abusive, manipulative or otherwise toxic, they can’t expose their children to that. Being a good parent means making hard choices, including cutting off a toxic grandparent. Their kids’ well-being must come first, even if it means cutting ties with you.
