It’s not always obvious when someone’s using you, unfortunately.
That’s especially true when they’re charming, affectionate at the right moments, and good at giving you just enough to keep you hopeful. But if you constantly feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting, or that your worth in the relationship is tied to what you can offer rather than who you are—those gut feelings might be pointing to something real. These signs can help you spot the difference between love that’s genuine and love that’s just convenient.
1. They only show up when they want something from you.
If their texts, calls, or affection only arrive when they need help, money, a distraction, or an ego boost, it’s not love, it’s opportunism. You’re being treated like a vending machine, not a person with feelings. Someone who truly loves you won’t only reach out when they’re lacking something. They’ll want to be around you just because you matter, not because you’re useful in the moment.
2. Your kindness is met with expectation, not gratitude.
You go out of your way for them, and they don’t even say thank you. Instead, they act like it’s your job to keep giving and bending. The more you offer, the more they take, and it never feels acknowledged. Gratitude is a basic sign of mutual respect. If they act entitled to your time and effort, it’s not a partnership—it’s a transaction they’re rigging in their favour.
3. You’re the one always initiating contact or plans.
If you stopped texting or calling, would they even notice? Would they reach out? It’s exhausting when you’re the one keeping the connection alive while they coast on autopilot. Love is about mutual interest and presence. If the energy is always one-sided, the relationship is too—and deep down, you probably know it.
4. They’re supportive when it benefits them.
They’re amazing when the spotlight’s on you and your success makes them look good—but suddenly distant or dismissive when you’re struggling, sick, or simply not useful to them. That selective support is a clear sign you’re being used as an accessory, not valued as a whole human. Love doesn’t vanish when you’re inconvenient.
5. You feel emotionally drained after being around them.
Instead of feeling safe, supported, or connected, you leave conversations with them feeling tired, deflated, or unsettled. It’s not always dramatic, but it builds up. Being with someone who drains you is a sign of emotional imbalance. If it feels like work just to keep the vibe stable, it’s likely you’re doing all the emotional labour.
6. They guilt you into staying, helping, or saying yes.
When you try to say no or set boundaries, they play the victim or throw guilt-trippy lines your way. It feels easier to give in than to deal with their reactions. That kind of emotional manipulation isn’t love—it’s control. You shouldn’t have to feel bad for doing what’s right for your mental and emotional health.
7. They don’t celebrate your wins unless they benefit too.
When something goes well for you, they’re silent, underwhelmed, or weirdly jealous. You sense that your growth makes them uncomfortable, especially if it changes the power dynamic. Love should feel like mutual cheering, not quiet competition. If your joy threatens them, they’re more invested in staying on top than staying close.
8. You feel like a background character in their story.
Your needs, opinions, and dreams always come second to theirs. Everything is about their goals, their problems, their emotions. You’ve started to shrink yourself without even realising it. A loving relationship isn’t about playing a side role—it’s about building something together. If they never meet you in the middle, you’re not in their future plans. You’re just part of their present comfort.
9. They dismiss your feelings as “too much” or “dramatic.”
Every time you bring up something that hurt you or didn’t sit right, they flip it back on you. You’re too sensitive. You misunderstood. It’s all in your head. That constant minimising chips away at your self-worth. Love doesn’t gaslight. Love listens—even when it’s uncomfortable to hear.
10. You always feel like you owe them.
Source: Unsplash Even when you’ve done everything you can, there’s still this unspoken debt hanging in the air. You’re made to feel guilty for resting, prioritising yourself, or not doing just a little bit more. The imbalance keeps you stuck in a loop of overgiving. You don’t owe anyone your peace just to keep a relationship functioning.
11. They’re only present when you’re happy and convenient.
Source: Unsplash When life’s going well and you’re in a good mood, they’re affectionate and engaged. But when things get rough, they’re MIA, cold, or even annoyed at your low energy. This shows they’re not in love with you—they’re in love with how easy you make their life. That’s not the same thing.
12. You’ve started hiding your needs to keep the peace.
Source: Unsplash You downplay when you’re struggling, avoid asking for help, or sugarcoat things just to avoid tension. You’ve learned that honesty causes distance, not connection. If you have to dilute yourself to keep them close, it’s not a safe space. Real love invites the full version of you, not just the convenient parts.
13. They treat your time like it’s less valuable than theirs.
Source: Unsplash They show up late, cancel plans last minute, or expect you to always be available on their terms. However, if you do the same? Suddenly it’s a big issue. That double standard speaks volumes. People who love you won’t make you feel like your life has to revolve around theirs to be worth something.
14. You never feel fully seen, even when you’re right there.
They might look at you, but it never feels like they see you. They don’t remember the little things, don’t notice your emotional changes, and rarely check in meaningfully. That kind of emotional invisibility is lonely. You can be physically present and still feel deeply neglected when love isn’t real.
15. You keep wondering if you’re asking for too much.
This thought sneaks in more often than you’d like. You start questioning your standards, wondering if it’s on you for feeling hurt, confused, or let down so often. However, asking for basic care, respect, and reciprocity is not asking for too much. It’s asking for the bare minimum. And if they can’t offer that? You deserve better. Period.
