If you’re close to a narcissist, there’s a good chance you’ve been manipulated into mistreating people on their behalf, even if you consider yourself a good person.
Narcissists are master puppeteers, and they’re skilled at getting people to do their dirty work. This can leave you with a lot of guilt and damaged relationships once you realise what’s happened. To avoid being an unknowing accomplice, watch out for these 15 signs you’re being used to abuse someone else.
1. You find yourself constantly criticising a specific person.
Whenever this person comes up in conversation with the narcissist, they always have something negative to say. Over time, you start to parrot these criticisms without really thinking about whether they’re fair or justified. You may not even know the person very well, but you’ve been conditioned to see them in a bad light. Take a step back and consider whether your judgments are based on facts or just the narcissist’s biased perspective.
2. You make excuses for the narcissist’s bad behaviour.
When the narcissist lashes out at someone or treats them poorly, you find yourself making excuses for them. “They’re just stressed,” “They didn’t mean it that way,” “Well, the other person kind of deserved it.” You rationalise their cruelty instead of calling it out. But this just enables them to keep mistreating people. Remember, there’s never an excuse for abuse, regardless of what the narcissist has been through.
3. You give the narcissist inside information about people.
The narcissist pumps you for details about the person they’re targeting — their insecurities, their past traumas, their deepest secrets. And you spill it all, thinking you’re just having a harmless gossip session. But the narcissist files these tidbits away to use as ammunition later. They’ll bring up sensitive subjects to provoke an emotional reaction or reveal private information to embarrass the person. Don’t betray people’s trust to score points with the narcissist.
4. You run smear campaigns for the narcissist.
When the narcissist is on the outs with someone, they recruit you to spread nasty rumours about them. They give you a whole list of their supposed flaws and misdeeds. And you dutifully go and share these with your mutual friends, poisoning their opinion of the person. You may think you’re just venting or warning people, but you’re actually isolating the narcissist’s target and ruining their reputation on false pretences.
5. You pressure people to forgive the narcissist.
After the narcissist has done something particularly egregious, you play the role of flying monkey and pressure their target to “let it go” or “be the bigger person.” You guilt them about holding a grudge, even though the narcissist hasn’t made any real amends. You become an advocate for fake peace at the expense of the wronged party’s legitimate hurt. Remember, forgiveness isn’t owed, it’s earned through changed behaviour.
6. You give the narcissist a pass for things you’d criticise in others.
The narcissist routinely does and says things you’d normally consider out of line. But instead of holding them accountable like you would anyone else, you look the other way. You tell yourself it’s “just how they are.” Meanwhile, you judge the narcissist’s targets harshly for much less. This double standard isn’t fair, and it makes you complicit in the abuse. Everyone should be held to the same basic standards of decency.
7. You vent the narcissist’s grievances for them.
The narcissist is always complaining about how so-and-so wronged them or criticising other people’s behaviour. And you absorb these gripes and regurgitate them to anyone who will listen. You become a mouthpiece for their bitterness and resentment, even when their complaints are exaggerated or completely baseless. You may think you’re being a good friend, but you’re really just stirring up more drama and ill will on their behalf.
8. You take on the narcissist’s enemies as your own.
The narcissist has a long list of people they despise, and they expect you to shun them too as a show of loyalty. Even if these people have never done anything to you directly, you start treating them like your mortal adversaries. You give them dirty looks, exclude them from gatherings, and bond with the narcissist over your shared contempt. But these petty feuds only isolate you further and rob you of potentially fulfilling relationships.
9. You justify the narcissist’s controlling behaviour.
When the narcissist tries to dictate what their partner wears, who they hang out with, or how they spend their time, you defend their actions. You frame it as being “protective” or “caring” rather than controlling. You buy into the narcissist’s rationalisations for their excessive jealousy and paranoia. And you pressure their partner to comply with these unreasonable demands instead of setting healthy boundaries. Don’t let the narcissist use you to enforce unfair constraints.
10. You buy thoughtless gifts or do tasks to undermine people.
The narcissist induces you to carry out small acts of sabotage that make the other person look bad or feel bad about themselves. Maybe you go over and give their insecure partner an oversized shirt as a “gift,” implying they’ve gained weight. Or you fail to invite that person’s friend to a gathering you’re organising, stoking fears they’re being abandoned. On the surface, these seem like careless mistakes, but they’re deliberate jabs disguised as oversights.
11. You become physically aggressive on the narcissist’s behalf.
Source: Unsplash In extreme cases, the narcissist may try to get you to carry out acts of physical intimidation or violence towards the person they’re targeting. They’ll work you up into a state of righteous anger, painting their target as a villain who needs to be taught a lesson. They may challenge your loyalty or courage if you hesitate. But no matter what the narcissist says, physically harming people is never justified. Don’t let them bring out your worst impulses.
12. You gaslight people to skew their sense of reality.
The narcissist has a vested interest in making their targets doubt themselves, so they get you to echo their false narratives and rewrite history in their favour. You insist an event didn’t happen the way the other person remembers, or that they’re overreacting to the narcissist’s cruelty. This psychological manipulation is deeply damaging and can make the person question their own perception and judgment. It’s a way of tightening the narcissist’s control.
13. You act as a spy for the narcissist.
After a falling out or a breakup, the narcissist relies on you to be their eyes and ears. They ask you to keep tabs on what their ex is doing, who they’re seeing, and how they’re coping. You feed the narcissist a steady stream of information, even though it means intruding on the other person’s privacy. The narcissist uses these reports to time their manipulations for maximum impact, or to find new weaknesses to exploit.
14. You stand by while the narcissist is cruel to other people.
Source: Unsplash Even if you don’t actively participate, simply staying silent while the narcissist bullies someone is a form of complicity. You don’t speak up and tell the narcissist to cut it out or defend the person being ridiculed. You sit there uncomfortably, trying to communicate your sympathy telepathically to the target while remaining in the narcissist’s good graces. But your silence reads as approval and enables the abuse to continue unchecked.
15. You’re rewarded for your part in the abuse.
The narcissist showers you with flattery, favours, and special treatment when you help them mistreat people. They praise you as the only one who truly understands them and make you feel like you’re part of an exclusive inner circle. This seductive love bombing can be hard to resist. But it’s really just a way of training you to put their needs above your own conscience, and to make their vendettas into your crusades.
