Some people seem to want to push your buttons just to get a reaction. They say certain things, not to have a meaningful conversation, but to rile you up. So, how do you handle these button-pushers? Let’s break down some common phrases they use and how to cleverly respond.
1. “You’re so sensitive!”
People say this to dismiss your feelings and make you question your own reactions, and it’s a classic among narcissists and other manipulators, Psychology Today. They might say it with a smirk, as if your feelings are a weakness, but don’t fall for it! A good response could be, “Actually, I’m just aware of my feelings and not afraid to express them. What about you?” Put the focus where it belongs — on their lack of emotional intelligence.
2. “Calm down, it’s not that big of a deal.”
Source: Unsplash People who want to minimize your concerns or problems LOVE this one. What’s even more infuriating is that they usually say it in a condescending tone, implying you’re overreacting. But hey, if it’s a big deal to you, it’s a big deal. You could respond with, “It may not be a big deal to you, but it is to me, and I’d appreciate it if you respected that.” This sets a clear boundary and lets them know their dismissiveness isn’t helpful.
3. “You always…” or “You never…”
Source: Unsplash Sweeping generalizations are meant to make you feel inadequate or guilty. They tend to exaggerate your flaws or ignore your strengths, so don’t fall into that trap. A good response could be, “Always? Really? Let’s talk about specific instances instead of making blanket statements.” This forces them to back up their claims with evidence, which they likely won’t be able to do.
4. “I’m just joking!” (after saying something hurtful)
Source: Unsplash This is a common tactic used by people who like to get a laugh at other people’s expense (and who certainly wouldn’t find it very funny if they were the target themselves). They hide behind humour to avoid taking responsibility for their words. Don’t let them get away with it! You could say, “Your ‘joke’ wasn’t funny. It was hurtful. Please be more mindful of your words.” This lets them know their humour crossed a line and that you won’t tolerate disrespect disguised as a joke.
5. “Why are you getting so worked up?”
This is another way to invalidate your feelings and make you feel like you’re the problem, Psych Central warns. They might say it calmly, as if your emotional response is irrational, but don’t let them gaslight you! A good response could be, “I have a right to my feelings, and I’m not going to apologize for having a reaction to what you said.” This reaffirms your right to feel and express your emotions without judgment.
6. “You’re taking this too personally.”
People love to use this when they’re desperately trying to avoid accountability. They might say it as if your personal feelings are irrelevant to the situation, but if their words or actions affected you, it’s perfectly valid to take it personally. You could respond with, “When someone says or does something hurtful, it’s natural to take it personally. Maybe you should consider the impact of your words before speaking.” This turns the tables on them and encourages them to reflect on their own behaviour.
7. “You just can’t take a joke.”
This is another attempt to dismiss your feelings and make you feel like you’re the problem. They might say it as if your inability to find their offensive remarks funny is a personal failing. Don’t let them bully you into accepting their brand of so-called “humour”! A good response could be, “I can take a joke, but that wasn’t a joke. It was rude and disrespectful.” It’s blunt and to the point, which is all they deserve.
8. “Lighten up!” or “Chill out!”
These dismissive phrases are often used to invalidate your feelings and make you feel like you’re overreacting. They might say it in a carefree tone, as if your emotions are an inconvenience to them. Don’t let them downplay your feelings! A good response could be, “I’m allowed to have my emotions, and I don’t need you to tell me how to feel.” This asserts your right to your feelings and lets them know their attempts to control your emotions won’t work.
9. “You’re overreacting.”
This is another classic for minimizing your feelings and making you doubt your own judgment. They probably even say it with a dismissive wave of the hand, like your emotions are a silly inconvenience. Don’t buy into their attempt to invalidate your experience! A good response could be, “My reaction is valid, and I have a right to feel how I feel.” This puts the focus back on your feelings and reminds them that you’re not going to apologize for having a genuine reaction.
10. “That’s not what I meant.” (after saying something rude/inappropriate/mean)
Gotta love a back peddler! They try to twist their words or claim you misunderstood their intentions, but let’s be real: if their words hurt you, their intentions don’t really matter. You could respond with, “It doesn’t matter what you meant, it’s how your words affected me that counts. Please be more mindful of your language in the future.” This holds them accountable for the impact of their words, regardless of their intentions.
11. “You’re too emotional.”
How dare they shame you for expressing your emotions. This is usually said in a condescending tone, as if your feelings are a sign of weakness or instability. Don’t let them make you feel bad for being human! You could respond with, “Emotions are a natural part of being human. It’s healthy to express them, and I won’t apologize for doing so.” This validates your emotions and shuts down their attempt to shame you.
12. “You’re just jealous.”
This is a go-to response when someone feels threatened or insecure. They try to turn the tables on you and make you feel like your concerns are rooted in jealousy, but it’s usually down to their insecurities, not yours. A good response could be, “I’m not jealous, I’m just stating facts. You seem to be the one feeling threatened.” This puts the focus back on their behaviour and their own insecurities.
13. “You’re being dramatic.”
Bad behavior elicits reactions — that’s what they really don’t seem to get. They might say it with an eye roll, as if your emotions are an attention-seeking ploy. Don’t let them dismiss your feelings! You could respond with, “My feelings are valid, and I’m not going to apologize for expressing them. Maybe you should listen instead of judging.” This asserts your right to your feelings and reminds them that their dismissiveness is unhelpful.
14. “It’s your fault.”
Sure, maybe sometimes things are your fault, but toxic people love to point the finger when they’re the ones in the wrong. They get so self-righteous when they say it, too, as if there’s no doubt that you’re the one to blame. Don’t let them manipulate you into taking the fall for their mistakes. Say something like, “Let’s look at the situation objectively and see who’s really responsible here.” This challenges their narrative, which is obviously not the truth, and pushes them to take responsibility for their part in the situation.
15. “I was just trying to help.” (after offering unsolicited advice or criticism)
This is a common excuse used by people who overstep boundaries and offer unsolicited advice or criticism. They might say it with a saccharine smile, as if their intentions were pure. But hey, no one likes a backhanded compliment or unsolicited advice! You could respond with, “I appreciate your concern, but I’m capable of making my own decisions. Please respect my boundaries.” This sets a clear boundary and lets them know you don’t need their help unless you ask for it.
