Speaking up about what you want and need in life isn’t easy, but it’s definitely necessary.
Once you gather up the courage to use the voice you’ve been given to advocate for yourself, your whole life will change for the better. If you’re not quite there yet but know you’re on the cusp, these tips might help you feel a bit more confident and empowered to go for it.
1. Start by believing that your needs are important.
It’s easy to convince yourself that your needs don’t matter or that you’re asking for too much, but that’s simply not true. Everyone has needs, and recognising yours is the first step toward addressing them. Remind yourself daily that self-advocacy is a form of self-respect, and taking care of your needs helps you show up better in every part of your life.
2. Accept that feeling awkward at first is normal.
If expressing your needs feels like learning a new language, it’s because it kind of is! Awkwardness is part of the process, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Give yourself permission to stumble and remember that every conversation is a chance to improve. The more you practice, the more confident and natural it will feel over time.
3. Be specific about what you want or need.
Vagueness can lead to confusion, so it’s better to say exactly what you’re asking for. For example, instead of saying, “I need more help,” try, “Can you take care of dinner on Tuesdays?” Specificity leaves less room for misunderstanding and increases the chances of your needs being met. Clarity is kindness—for both you and the person you’re communicating with.
4. Choose the right moment to speak up.
Timing can make or break a conversation. If the other person is stressed, distracted, or rushing out the door, it might not be the best time to bring up your needs. Waiting for a calmer moment helps ensure they’ll be more receptive to what you’re saying. Thoughtful timing shows that you respect their space and makes it easier for your message to land.
5. Use language that keeps the focus on your feelings.
Instead of framing your needs as someone else’s shortcomings, focus on how you feel. For example, rather than saying, “You never help me,” try, “I feel overwhelmed and could use some help.” This approach reduces defensiveness and opens the door to collaboration. It shows that you’re asking for support, not assigning blame.
6. Practice listening as well as speaking.
Expressing your needs doesn’t mean monopolising the conversation. Give the other person space to share their perspective or concerns. Active listening shows that you value their input and are open to finding solutions that work for both of you. Strong communication is a two-way street, and being a good listener strengthens mutual understanding.
7. Stop feeling like you need to justify your needs.
It’s tempting to over-explain why you’re asking for something, but this can dilute your message. Trust that your needs are valid without needing to give a detailed backstory. A simple, clear statement is often more effective and leaves less room for doubt. Remember, it’s okay to advocate for yourself without overthinking or apologising for it.
8. Start small to build your confidence.
If asking for what you need feels overwhelming, start with low-pressure situations. Practice speaking up in everyday scenarios, like asking for a different coffee order or suggesting a new activity with friends. These smaller wins can help you build the confidence needed for more emotionally significant conversations. Small steps pave the way for big changes.
9. Be prepared for responses you might not like.
Not everyone will meet your needs exactly how you’d hoped, and that’s okay. Rejection or pushback doesn’t mean your request was unreasonable—it’s just part of the process. Instead of taking it personally, view it as an opportunity to find alternative solutions or compromises. Flexibility can help you navigate these moments without losing sight of what’s important.
10. Understand that respecting boundaries works both ways.
Just as you have needs, other people have their own limits and preferences. Respecting their boundaries is just as important as expressing yours. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, so finding a balance where both sides feel heard and valued is the ultimate goal. Working together often leads to more satisfying outcomes for everyone involved.
11. Remember that rejection isn’t the end of the world.
It’s normal to feel disappointed if someone can’t meet your needs, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have expressed them. Rejection is simply a part of life and an opportunity to reassess or reframe your approach. Keep the focus on solutions—either by adjusting your request or finding another way to meet your needs independently. Growth often comes from these moments of challenge.
12. Stop thinking that asking for help makes you selfish.
There’s a misconception that asking for what you need means you’re putting yourself above everyone else, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Healthy relationships are built on mutual support, and expressing your needs is a way of creating that balance. Remember, taking care of yourself allows you to be there for other people without burning out.
13. Understand that it gets easier with time.
Source: Unsplash Expressing your needs might feel clunky at first, but like any skill, it improves with practice. Each time you speak up, you’re building confidence and reinforcing the habit of self-advocacy. Celebrate the progress you’re making, even if it feels small. Over time, this process will become second nature, and the positive impact on your relationships will be undeniable.
14. Ask for support when you need guidance.
If you’re struggling to articulate your needs, don’t hesitate to ask for help from friends, family, or a therapist. Sometimes, talking things through with someone else can provide clarity and boost your confidence. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone—having a support system can make all the difference.
15. Reflect on your needs to truly understand them.
Before expressing your needs to other people, take time to reflect on what you genuinely want and why it matters. Self-awareness is key to effective communication, and understanding your own priorities makes it easier to articulate them clearly. Whether through journaling, meditation, or simply taking a moment to pause, getting in touch with your feelings helps ensure your conversations are authentic and meaningful.
