When someone you care about is in an unhappy or downright toxic relationship, it’s natural to want to help.
However, all those well-meaning words of encouragement you offer up could end up doing way more harm than good. In fact, they might feel judged, defensive, or even more alone than they already did. If you actually want to support them, you’ll need to approach the situation with a bit more empathy and tact. How you do that depends on the person, but one thing’s for sure: these phrases should have no place in your conversations.
1. “Why don’t you just leave?”
While this might seem like the obvious solution, it’s rarely that simple. People stay in bad relationships for many reasons—fear, financial dependency, love, or a sense of obligation. Instead, try saying, “I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to talk or make changes.”
2. “I never liked them anyway.”
Even if you’ve disliked their partner from the start, saying this can make them feel judged or defensive. It also shuts down the possibility of them opening up to you. A better approach is to focus on their feelings: “How do you feel about how things are going?”
3. “I’d never put up with that.”
This might sound like you’re encouraging them to take a stand, but it can come across as smug or unsupportive. Instead of making it about what you’d do, acknowledge their reality: “It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot. How can I support you?”
4. “You’re too smart to be in this situation.”
While you might think you’re complimenting their intelligence, this can feel condescending. It implies that they’re making a foolish choice, which might push them away. A more supportive comment would be, “This situation doesn’t define your worth—you deserve so much more.”
5. “But they seem so nice!”
Abusive or toxic partners often appear charming to outsiders, which can make your friend feel even more misunderstood. Instead of focusing on the partner’s behaviour, centre the conversation on your friend’s experiences: “What’s been going on behind the scenes?”
6. “At least they don’t [insert worse behaviour here].”
Minimising their struggles by comparing them to worse scenarios can make them feel invalidated. Even if the relationship isn’t physically abusive, emotional neglect or manipulation still matters. Say something validating instead, like, “What you’re feeling is valid, and it’s okay to be upset.”
7. “You’re just overreacting.”
Telling someone they’re overreacting dismisses their emotions and experiences. Instead of making them feel silly for confiding in you, show empathy: “That sounds really tough. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
8. “If I were you, I’d…”
Even if you think you have the perfect solution, offering unsolicited advice can come across as dismissive. Everyone’s situation is unique, and they might not feel ready to act. Focus on being a sounding board: “What do you think you want to do about it?”
9. “You’re not the person I used to know.”
While you might notice changes in their personality, this comment can feel like a judgment. Instead of pointing out what’s wrong, express concern: “I’ve noticed you don’t seem as happy lately. Is there anything you want to talk about?”
10. “You’ve wasted so much time on them.”
This can make them feel even worse about the relationship and create a sense of shame. People in bad relationships often already feel stuck or regretful. Encourage them by focusing on the future: “It’s never too late to make changes that feel right for you.”
11. “You’re letting them walk all over you.”
While you might see signs of imbalance, this phrasing can feel harsh and critical. Instead, encourage them to reflect on their boundaries: “Do you feel like your needs are being respected in this relationship?”
12. “I’m so tired of hearing about this.”
Even if the situation feels repetitive, saying this can make them shut down and stop trying to get some support. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, set boundaries gently: “I care about you, and I want to help. Let’s figure out how we can navigate this together.”
13. “You need to fix this now.”
Pressuring someone to act can backfire, especially if they’re not emotionally or logistically ready to leave. Instead, remind them they’re not alone: “Whenever you’re ready to make changes, I’ll be here to support you.”
14. “At least you’re not alone.”
This might seem comforting, but it diminishes the pain of being in a bad relationship. Being with someone who makes you unhappy can feel lonelier than being single. A better approach is to validate their feelings: “It’s okay to want more from a relationship.”
15. “Everyone else can see how bad this is.”
This might feel like tough love, but it can make them feel ganged up on or ashamed. Focus on being their ally instead of bringing up other people’s opinions: “I want what’s best for you, and I’m here to help however I can.”
