Narcissists will stop at nothing to keep their control over you.
They’ll try every trick in the book to make sure you stay under their thumb so that they can continue to manipulate you into doing their bidding. The minute you start catching on to their toxic ways, they up the ante to make sure you can’t get away. The important thing is to be aware of these tactics — once you know what you’re looking for, you can empower yourself to get away.
1. Gaslighting
Narcissists are experts at gaslighting — they love to make you question your own memories, perspectives, and sanity, Psych Central warns. They’ll brazenly deny things they said or did, accuse you of being too sensitive or imagining things, and twist situations around to blame you. Over time, this makes you doubt your own judgment, and you might even become more reliable on the narcissist to tell you what’s real and what’s not. Not a great idea, as you can probably imagine.
2. Isolation
Narcissists aim to isolate you from friends and family who might see through their facade or offer you support. They’ll subtly turn you against your loved ones, monopolise your time, or make you feel guilty for spending time with others. Bit by bit, they cut you off from your support network until you’re solely reliant on them.
3. Intermittent reinforcement
Hot-and-cold behavior is a narcissist’s specialty, and they love alternating between lavish affection and withering cruelty. This unpredictability is a potent form of intermittent reinforcement that keeps you hooked, always hoping the sweet, loving version of them will return. Frequent bursts of affection followed by longer stretches of coldness leave you craving their approval.
4. Projection
Narcissists habitually project their own negative traits and behaviors onto you (and anyone else they can, for that matter). If they’re being selfish, they’ll accuse you of selfishness. If they’re lying, they’ll accuse you of dishonesty. This projection serves to deflect responsibility and make you feel like the problem. You end up expending energy defending yourself instead of holding them accountable.
5. Triangulation
When they start to feel like they’re losing control, narcissists will begin to pit people against each other to feed their ego and stay in charge. They’ll casually compare you to an ex, co-worker, or friend in ways that make you feel inadequate or threatened. By stirring up jealousy and rivalry, they keep you vying for their attention and approval.
6. Moving the goal posts
With narcissists, the finish line is always moving. No matter how much you achieve or how hard you try, it’s never enough. This tactic keeps you perpetually jumping through hoops, trying to meet their ever-shifting expectations. You end up in a state of constant striving, never feeling like you measure up.
7. Belittling your accomplishments
Narcissists have a knack for turning your proudest moments into something trivial. They’ll downplay your achievements, dismiss your successes as luck, or always find someone who’s done it better. This undermines your confidence and makes you doubt your abilities, ensuring you don’t outshine them or feel empowered to leave.
8. Blame-shifting
In the narcissist’s world, everything is your fault. They take no responsibility for their actions, instead turning the tables to blame you. Whether it’s their infidelity, rage outbursts, or financial woes, somehow it’s all down to your shortcomings. This blame-shifting erodes your self-worth and keeps you working double-time to “fix” yourself.
9. The silent treatment
Narcissists wield the silent treatment like a weapon. They’ll abruptly shut you out, ignoring your calls and giving you the cold shoulder. This leaves you desperately trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to get back in their good graces. The silent treatment is a master class in control, leaving you groveling for the slightest scrap of attention.
10. Boundary violations
Narcissists trample your boundaries with impunity. They’ll show up unannounced, snoop through your things, make demands on your time, and disregard your right to privacy. By steamrolling your boundaries, they send the message that your needs don’t matter and that you’re not entitled to autonomy in the relationship.
11. Guilt-tripping
Narcissists are skilled guilt-trippers, wielding obligation like a blunt instrument. They’ll remind you of every small thing they’ve done for you or make you feel like you owe them for sticking around. This emotional blackmail keeps you indebted and less likely to challenge their behaviour or leave.
12. Rewriting history
Narcissists will rewrite your shared history to suit their narrative. They’ll gloss over their misdeeds, exaggerate your flaws, and conveniently “forget” promises made. This historical airbrushing keeps you off-balance, doubting your experiences. You might even start to wonder if you’re remembering things wrong.
13. Smear campaigns
If you threaten to expose the narcissist, they’ll launch a smear campaign against you. They’ll spin tales to friends, family, and colleagues painting you as unstable, needy, or abusive. This preemptive strike discredits you, so people are less likely to believe your side of the story. Isolating you from support and tarnishing your reputation keeps you under their thumb.
14. Future-faking
Narcissists keep you hooked with vague promises of a better future. They dangle just enough hope to keep you invested. If only you’d be more patient, understanding, accommodating, then you’ll get that ring, that holiday, that life you’ve been pining for. But these promises never materialise, and you end up losing years chasing a mirage.
15. Playing the victim
If all else fails, narcissists will flip into victim mode. They’ll cry crocodile tears, exaggerate hardships, or feign life-threatening illnesses. This emotional manipulation tugs at your heartstrings and makes you feel guilty for contemplating leaving such a fragile, suffering soul. Playing the victim is the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card for a narcissist.
