Not all kids get to grow up happy and carefree — in fact, many have tough childhoods that are tough to live through and process down the line.
While we all have the ability to work through traumatic experiences, the truth is that many of the things we go through in life, especially when we’re young, have a way of sticking with us, no matter how much time has passed and how much hard work we’ve put into moving on. That’s not to say that we’re all helpless or that we can’t successfully overcome the things in our past, but it’s definitely not easy. If you notice yourself dealing with these struggles as an adult, it could be that you’re still carting around baggage from your childhood, and you have some more work to do.
1. You freeze up when anyone says anything nice about you.
If you can’t handle compliments or praise, brushing them off or doubting their sincerity, it might be a reflection of how you grew up. A childhood where kindness and recognition were rare can make positive attention feel out of place. You might have learned to downplay your achievements or even expect criticism instead of kindness. It’s like your brain is wired to feel uncomfortable with anything that doesn’t align with how you see yourself. Over time, however, learning to accept praise without suspicion or self-doubt can help you start to shift how you view your worth.
2. Trusting people is a leap too far.
Trust doesn’t come easy when your early life taught you to be wary. If people let you down when you were younger, it’s hard not to expect the same treatment from other people as an adult. This can create a barrier, making you assume that betrayal or abandonment is always lurking around the corner, even when there’s no reason to doubt someone’s intentions. The constant vigilance is a protective mechanism, but it can keep relationships distant and difficult. Trusting people requires taking small risks and gradually learning that not everyone will hurt you.
3. You’d much rather avoid conflict than face it head-on.
If conflict growing up led to pain or punishment, you might have learned early on that it’s easier to keep your head down and avoid arguments. While it might’ve kept the peace in the moment, it often means your needs and boundaries go unheard. You might find yourself suppressing your feelings or just going along with things to avoid confrontation. Overcoming it means realising that it’s okay to speak up and set boundaries, without fear of rejection or retaliation. It’s a big step toward healing and learning to advocate for yourself.
4. You apologise far too often.
Saying “sorry” constantly can be a sign that you feel responsible for the way other people feel, even if you haven’t caused any harm. Growing up in an environment where you were always made to feel like you were at fault can leave you with a habit of apologising out of habit. It’s like you’ve internalised the idea that you’re always the one who needs to make things right. Over-apologising can lower your confidence and make everyone take you less seriously. Recognising when an apology is truly needed and when it’s just a reflex can help you reclaim your voice and stop apologising for existing.
5. You feel like it’s your job to keep everyone happy.
If you spent a lot of your childhood managing other people’s emotions or trying to keep the peace, you might’ve carried that role into adulthood. You could find yourself taking on emotional labour for other people, feeling responsible for their happiness or moods. While it’s great to care for people, constantly putting their needs ahead of your own can lead to burnout and resentment. Learning that you’re not responsible for fixing everyone else’s problems is key to finding balance and ensuring your own emotional needs are met, too.
6. You’re great at compartmentalising and ignoring your own feelings.
Suppressing your emotions might have been a survival tactic in a household where expressing your feelings led to ridicule or rejection. Now, as an adult, you might struggle to even pinpoint how you’re feeling, let alone express it to other people. That emotional disconnect can make it hard to connect with anyone else, or even with yourself. Acknowledging your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they might seem, is essential for processing them and moving forward in a healthier way.
7. You feel guilty when you’re not being productive.
If your value was tied to what you achieved as a child, it’s no surprise that you feel the need to be constantly productive as an adult. You might feel like resting or taking a break makes you unworthy or lazy, leading to burnout. Your self-worth can get tangled up in your ability to do and accomplish. But here’s the thing: you are worthy regardless of how much you achieve. Learning to recognise that your value isn’t determined by your productivity can help you slow down, rest, and prioritise self-care without guilt.
8. Setting boundaries feels alien to you.
Source: Unsplash When you didn’t have healthy boundaries growing up, it’s hard to know how to establish them in adulthood. You might find yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do or feeling guilty for taking care of your own needs. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re worried about being rejected or upsetting anyone. But learning to say no, to protect your own space and emotional well-being, is one of the most empowering things you can do. Boundaries don’t make you rigid, but they do protect your peace, and that’s what’s most important.
9. Stable relationships feel like they’re too good to be true.
When chaos was the norm growing up, calm and stable relationships can feel unsettling or even untrustworthy. You might find yourself second-guessing people’s intentions, wondering when the other shoe will drop, or waiting for things to go wrong. That anxiety comes from not fully trusting that good things can last. Focusing on the positives in stable relationships, even when it feels unfamiliar, can help you ease into trust and appreciate the stability you deserve.
10. You feel uncomfortable or even guilty about celebrating your achievements.
If you grew up being criticised or ignored, celebrating your successes now might feel uncomfortable or even wrong. You might downplay your achievements, focusing on what you didn’t do rather than what you did. It comes from a lack of positive reinforcement in childhood, where your wins might have been dismissed or overlooked. Learning to accept your accomplishments, no matter how small, and feel proud of them is a crucial step toward building your self-esteem. Allow yourself to bask in the glow of your successes, free from guilt.
11. You feel the need to prove yourself constantly.
If you were made to feel like you were never enough as a child, you might find yourself constantly striving for approval or external validation. It could show up in your career, your social life, or your personal achievements, always trying to prove that you’re worthy of love, respect, or recognition. While ambition can be a good thing, when it’s driven by the need to prove your worth, it becomes exhausting. Learning to validate yourself, to recognise your inherent value without needing other people to constantly reassure you, can help break such a tiring cycle.
12. You get defensive easily.
If you grew up in an environment where mistakes were harshly punished or criticised, even constructive feedback can feel like an attack. That defensiveness is a natural reaction to protect yourself from further hurt, but it can make communication difficult. Understanding that not all criticism is personal and learning to accept it without getting defensive is part of healing. It takes time, but it helps you grow and communicate more effectively.
13. Making any kind of decision feels overwhelming.
When your childhood was unpredictable or controlled by other people, making decisions might now feel like an insurmountable task. You might second-guess every choice, worrying you’ll make the wrong one, or worry about how everyone will react. It’s usually rooted in a lack of trust in your own judgement, but learning to make decisions, even small ones, and trusting yourself is key to building confidence. Start by making low-stakes choices, and over time, you’ll feel more in control.
14. Socialising sends you into a spiral of overthinking.
Constantly replaying conversations in your head or worrying about how people see you can be a sign that unresolved childhood wounds are affecting your adult life. You might fear rejection or judgement, leading you to overanalyse every interaction. It’s easy to assume that everyone is scrutinising you as much as you’re scrutinising yourself, but in reality, most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to pay that much attention. Letting go of the overthinking and focusing on being present can help you feel more confident in social settings.
15. Relaxation feels impossible.
If your childhood was filled with stress, chaos, or unpredictability, relaxing might feel uncomfortable or even unsafe. You might find it difficult to switch off, feeling like you always need to be on alert. But learning to let go and give yourself permission to rest is vital for your well-being. Taking small steps, like engaging in mindfulness or finding a hobby that brings you joy, can help you gradually ease into relaxation and reduce the tension you’ve carried for so long.
