When you’re co-parenting with a narcissist—or even just trying to raise children in the shadow of one—the manipulation rarely stops at the adult relationship.
People like this tend to use their own children as weapons, bargaining chips, or props to maintain power and control. It’s cruel, calculated, and hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived it. Here are some subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways a narcissist may use children to emotionally torment their partner or ex, all while hiding behind the guise of “parenting.”
1. They turn the child into a messenger.
Instead of communicating with you directly, they send messages through the child, knowing it puts pressure on the kid and triggers emotion in you. It’s not just lazy; it’s strategic. This allows them to control the narrative while avoiding responsibility. The child ends up carrying the emotional load of adult conflict, which is exactly where a narcissist wants the chaos to land—anywhere but on them.
2. They badmouth you subtly (or overtly).
They may never say “your mum’s a nightmare” outright, but phrases like “That’s your mum’s rule, not mine” or “I wish I could let you, but you know how your dad gets” slowly reshape and chip away at your child’s perception of you. It’s about creating loyalty splits and making themselves the fun, reasonable parent, while you become the rigid one. It poisons your bond without looking overtly abusive.
3. They use the child to spy on you.
They’ll ask the child innocent-sounding questions: Who was over at the house? What did Mum say about me? Did Dad seem upset? It feels like curiosity, but it’s surveillance. Your child becomes their information source, even if they don’t realise it. As a result, it leaves you feeling like your privacy is constantly being breached through your own family.
4. They reward loyalty and punish affection for you.
If the child shows love for you, the narcissist may withdraw affection or offer subtle consequences. If the child agrees with them, they’re praised. If not, they’re guilt-tripped. This teaches the child to suppress their genuine feelings and align with the narcissist’s version of events, just to keep the peace. It’s emotional conditioning dressed up as parenting.
5. They ignore boundaries around communication.
They’ll call late at night. Demand updates during your custody time. Send messages through the child’s devices. They push every limit—not because they need something, but because they want control. When you push back, they act wounded or claim you’re blocking access to the child. It’s not about contact; it’s about proving you can’t enforce limits without a fight.
6. They play the victim in front of the child.
They cry, sulk, or say things like “I miss you so much, but your mum won’t let me see you” even if they’re the one dodging visits or withholding communication. Their guilt-tripping places emotional responsibility on the child, who starts to feel torn, confused, or even responsible for the narcissist’s pain. It’s manipulation masked as vulnerability.
7. They sabotage routines and rules.
At your house, there’s structure. At theirs, there are no bedtimes, no homework checks, and nothing but chaos. Then they send the child back overtired, dysregulated, or completely off-track, leaving you to deal with the fallout. They know it destabilises your parenting. That’s the point. It’s their way of saying, “I still have influence here, even when you think you’re in control.”
8. They try to erase your role as a parent.
They might show up to school and introduce their new partner as “Mum number two.” Or, maybe they refer to themselves as the “real” parent while dismissing your efforts entirely. It’s about shrinking your importance not just in your child’s life, but in your own. They want to diminish your influence and take up all the emotional space themselves.
9. They dangle the child like a reward.
If you comply with their demands, they’re suddenly cooperative. If you push back or say no, they become cold or start threatening to withhold time with the child. It’s a control tactic dressed up as co-parenting. They treat your child as leverage—something to weaponise rather than protect. It’s not about the child’s needs. It’s about your submission.
10. They lie about you to the child’s school or therapist.
They might claim you’re unstable, uncooperative, or alienating—often preemptively, to create a story before you have a chance to speak. It’s about controlling the narrative wherever it matters. This can leave you constantly on the back foot, defending yourself against half-truths, while the narcissist plays calm and composed to outsiders.
11. They show up just enough to confuse the child.
They’ll flake on visits, then show up with gifts and love bombs. They disappear, then act like the world’s most devoted parent. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that keeps the child guessing—and you exhausted. That inconsistency is intentional. It stops the child from forming a secure attachment with you or anyone else. The goal is to keep everyone emotionally unsteady and easy to control.
12. They use legal threats as emotional manipulation.
They mention lawyers and court orders during casual conversations. They use the fear of custody battles to make you comply, even when there’s no intention to follow through. It’s not about legality, it’s about fear. They want you to feel like your time, your child, and your peace are always at risk if you don’t play along.
13. They turn the child into a therapist.
They overshare. They talk to the child about their own heartbreak, their stress, their problems with you. It puts emotional weight on young shoulders that were never meant to carry it. This makes the child emotionally responsible for their well-being, and distances them from you. It creates misplaced loyalty and emotional confusion, all in the narcissist’s favour.
14. They fake concern to trigger you.
They’ll text saying, “Are you sure the child’s okay? They seemed really down when I dropped them off.” These passive digs aren’t genuine concern; they’re emotional jabs designed to make you question yourself. It’s their way of suggesting you’re failing, without saying it directly. The goal is to plant self-doubt, not support your parenting.
15. They drag out every transition.
They arrive late for pick-ups. They stall drop-offs. They use those exchanges as opportunities to argue, provoke, or “accidentally” say something that keeps you anxious for hours after they’ve gone. Every interaction becomes a performance—designed to unnerve you, throw off your day, or make the child witness your distress. Even the simplest handoff becomes a theatre of control.
