You already know what gaslighting is, especially if you have/have had a narcissist in your life who’s guilty of it.
They’ll do anything they can to convince you that you’re crazy, that you’re imagining things, and that your memory is in some way faulty, and you’re not remembering things right. They’re full of it, of course; they’re trying to get out of taking responsibility for their actions and cast the blame on someone/anyone else, namely you. You’ll know when they’re doing it again because their gaslighting is often accompanied by some (or a lot) of these phrases. Nice try!
1. “I’m only saying this because I care about you.”
This often makes it seem like their hurtful words are an expression of concern, twisting criticism into something “helpful.” It can be really confusing because it implies that if you’re upset, it’s your fault for misinterpreting their so-called care. In reality, it’s just a manipulation tactic designed to stop you from questioning their intentions or standing up for yourself.
2. “You’re just stressed out; that’s why you’re thinking this way.”
When they say this, it’s a clever way of dismissing your genuine concerns. Rather than addressing the issue at hand, they chalk it all up to your emotional state, suggesting that it’s all in your head. It can make you second-guess your own feelings, leaving you to wonder whether the problem is really as big as you think, or if you’re just overreacting.
3. “Everyone has their issues — you’re no different.”
This is a classic way to downplay your struggles. They’ll make it sound like your worries are just the same as everyone else’s, making you feel like you’re being dramatic for even bringing them up. It’s a way of invalidating your experience, making it harder for you to feel justified in expressing what’s really bothering you.
4. “Why are you making me look like the bad guy?”
Instead of focusing on their behaviour, they turn it around to make you feel guilty for calling them out. This is meant to shift the blame, so you feel like you’re attacking them, rather than addressing the real problem. It’s a clever tactic to put you on the defensive and avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
5. “You used to be so much fun.”
This tries to make you question whether you’re the one who’s changed in a negative way. It can make you feel like expressing your needs or standing up for yourself has somehow ruined the relationship. It’s a subtle form of manipulation that pressures you into compliance by suggesting you’re less fun or carefree than you once were.
6. “I guess I can’t do anything right in your eyes.”
Here, they play the victim to avoid confronting their mistakes. By making you feel like your complaints are unjustified or too harsh, they shift the attention away from their behaviour and onto your supposed unfairness. It’s an effective way of making you feel guilty for pointing out anything they’ve done wrong.
7. “You always take things the wrong way.”
Instead of owning up to how their words or actions affect you, they blame you for misunderstanding the situation. It can make you question your own perception, leaving you unsure of whether you’re interpreting things correctly. Over time, it can destroy your confidence in your own judgement.
8. “Stop being so dramatic.”
They’ll throw this out when they want to minimise your feelings. By calling your reactions “dramatic,” they invalidate your emotions and suggest you’re overreacting. It’s a way to make you feel like you’re the problem, even when what you’re feeling is completely justified.
9. “If you trusted me, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
This is a manipulative move that turns your doubts into a reflection of your supposed mistrust. It suggests that questioning them is a betrayal, pressuring you to dismiss your concerns in the name of “trust.” It can make you feel like you’re in the wrong for simply wanting clarity or honesty.
10. “That’s not how I remember it.”
Rather than outright denying an event, they subtly challenge your version of the truth. This plants seeds of doubt, making you question what really happened. It can be incredibly frustrating, as it allows them to rewrite history to fit their narrative, leaving you second-guessing your own recollection.
11. “Why do you always make things so complicated?”
They use this to make your valid need for clarity or boundaries seem unnecessary. It’s a way of making you feel like you’re creating drama, rather than addressing real issues that need to be dealt with. It can make you feel guilty for asking for simple things like respect or understanding.
12. “I didn’t mean it like that — you’re reading too much into it.”
This is a deflection technique to avoid taking responsibility for their hurtful words. It makes you feel like you’re overanalysing or misinterpreting things, even when their behaviour was clearly inconsiderate. Over time, it can make you doubt your instincts and dismiss your own feelings as too sensitive.
13. “You never used to care about stuff like this.”
Here, they imply that you’re overreacting by suggesting your concerns are new or unreasonable. It can make you feel like you’ve changed for the worse, or that you’re being unfair for wanting to address issues that didn’t bother you before. This tactic makes you question whether your feelings are valid or if you’ve become too difficult.
14. “I thought you knew me better than that.”
This puts the blame on you for questioning their actions, implying that if you really understood them, you’d just accept their behaviour without protest. It’s designed to make you feel guilty for having doubts, making it harder for you to trust your own instincts or stand up for what you need.
15. “Why can’t you just let it go?”
When they say this, it’s an attempt to make you feel like you’re clinging to negativity when all you want is to resolve an issue. It can pressure you into ignoring your feelings or brushing off their bad behaviour, all so they can avoid accountability. It’s a way to get you to drop the subject without ever addressing the real problem.
16. “You’re the only person who has a problem with this.”
By claiming that everyone else agrees with them, they try to isolate you and make you feel like your perspective is irrational. This tactic makes you question whether you’re the one in the wrong, even when your concerns are completely legitimate. It’s a way to dismiss your feelings and make you feel like you’re out of line for speaking up.
