Narcissists tend to be pretty gifted at using sneaky tactics to get what they want while keeping their motives hidden — or so they think.
Just because their methods can be calculated definitely doesn’t mean they’re impossible to spot. Once you know the signs, you can start recognising the ways they try to control situations and relationships — and once you do that, they ultimately lose their power over you. While they assume you’d never notice these manipulative tools, they assume wrong.
1. Gaslighting to make you doubt yourself
Source: Unsplash Gaslighting is their go-to move when they want you to question your own memory or sanity. They’ll say things like, “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things,” even when you’re sure you’re right. The goal is to make you doubt yourself so they can stay in control. If you start second-guessing your own instincts, you’re more likely to rely on theirs. The antidote? Trust what you know to be true and don’t let their version of events replace your reality.
2. Love-bombing to reel you in
At first, they’ll act like you’re the most amazing person they’ve ever met. Gifts, compliments, constant attention—they’ll pull out all the stops to make you feel special. But it’s not about you—it’s about getting you hooked. Once they know you’re invested, they start shifting the dynamic to suit them. Keeping an eye out for over-the-top gestures early on can help you avoid getting swept up in the whirlwind.
3. Using guilt to control your actions
They have a way of making you feel like the bad guy, even when you haven’t done anything wrong. “After all I’ve done for you,” or “You don’t care about me” are classic lines they’ll use to guilt you into doing what they want. It works because it preys on your kindness and sense of responsibility. Recognising when guilt is being unfairly weaponised can help you set boundaries and stop playing into their hands.
4. Playing the victim to gain sympathy
When things don’t go their way, suddenly they’re the ones who’ve been wronged. They’ll exaggerate struggles or fabricate sob stories to tug at your heartstrings. By focusing on their supposed pain, they steer attention away from their own actions. It’s a clever way to avoid accountability while pulling you closer under the guise of needing your support.
5. Talking in circles to confuse you
“Word salad” is their speciality—long, rambling arguments that leave you spinning. They’ll throw in unrelated points, contradict themselves, or speak in riddles just to exhaust you. The idea is to distract you from the original issue so you give up questioning them. The best way to counter this? Keep bringing the conversation back to the main point and refuse to get lost in their verbal maze.
6. Triangulating to stir up drama
They love to pull a third person into the mix, comparing you to someone else or spreading rumours to create tension. It’s a divide-and-conquer strategy designed to make everyone else feel insecure while they sit back and enjoy the power trip. The key here is to avoid letting their games pit you against anyone else. Stick to direct communication and avoid getting dragged into unnecessary conflict.
7. Using flattery to lower your guard
Compliments are great, but when a narcissist dishes them out, there’s often a catch. They’ll butter you up just before asking for a favour or convincing you to do something that benefits them. Pay attention to how the flattery feels—genuine praise leaves you feeling good, while manipulative compliments often feel a bit calculated.
8. Blaming you for everything
Nothing’s ever their fault. Even when they’ve clearly messed up, they’ll twist the story until you’re the one apologising. It’s a way to dodge responsibility while keeping you on the defensive. Learning to spot this blame-shifting can help you stand firm and avoid taking on guilt that doesn’t belong to you.
9. Exploiting your empathy
If you’re naturally empathetic, they’ll milk it for all it’s worth. They’ll lean on your kindness, knowing you’ll go out of your way to help them—even if it drains you in the process. Setting limits on how much you give and knowing when to say no can protect your emotional well-being.
10. Using affection as leverage
Affection becomes a tool in their arsenal. When you don’t do what they want, they’ll withdraw love, attention, or physical touch. It’s their way of keeping you off balance and making you crave their approval. Recognising this as manipulation can help you detach emotionally and see their tactics for what they are.
11. Being passive-aggressive to unsettle you
Instead of being upfront, they’ll drop subtle digs or backhanded compliments to keep you guessing. Things like, “Well, I guess not everyone can be as organised as me,” are meant to undermine your confidence while giving them an out if you call them out. Addressing passive-aggression calmly but directly can take the wind out of their sails.
12. Creating false urgency to pressure you
They’ll act like everything is a crisis to force you into quick decisions. “We have to act now!” or “This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance!” is their way of rushing you so you don’t have time to think things through. Slowing down and insisting on time to evaluate decisions helps you stay in control.
13. Going silent to punish you
The silent treatment is their weapon of choice when they want to assert control. By cutting off communication, they leave you feeling confused and desperate to fix things. But understanding that this is a power play can help you resist the urge to chase their approval.
14. Lashing out at criticism
Even the smallest critique can set them off. They’ll blow up, sulk, or guilt-trip you into backing down. This tactic is meant to make you think twice before bringing up any issues again. Staying calm and holding your ground lets you keep the focus where it belongs.
15. Over-promising and under-delivering
They’ll promise the world but rarely deliver, which inevitably keeps you hanging on, hoping that next time will be different. Recognising the pattern can help you adjust your expectations and stop giving them endless chances to let you down.
16. Using charm to distract you
When all else fails, they’ll turn on the charm. They’ll flash a smile, crack a joke, or suddenly become the most agreeable person in the room to avoid tough conversations. It’s easy to get swept up, but staying focused on the real issue ensures you don’t lose sight of their tactics.
