Out of all the tools in a narcissist’s bag of tricks, playing the victim is definitely one of their favourites.
No matter the situation, they always find a way to make themselves look like the one who’s been done wrong. Nothing is ever their fault or their responsibility; it’s everyone else that’s out to get poor old them. The problem is, once you recognise this manipulative behaviour for what it is, it just becomes obnoxious and almost laughable, especially when you hear these things coming out of their mouths all the time.
1. “I’m just trying to keep the peace here.”
This makes them sound reasonable while implying you’re the one causing conflict. They’re positioning themselves as the peacemaker, even if they’re the source of tension. It’s a sneaky way to make you feel like the troublemaker. You might find yourself second-guessing your own concerns and hesitating to bring up issues in the future.
2. “Why do you always bring up the past?”
They’re trying to shut down any mention of their previous bad behaviour. It’s a way to avoid accountability by making you seem petty for remembering past issues. They’re hoping you’ll drop the subject and forget their pattern of actions. Over time, this can lead to a cycle where problematic behaviour is never addressed or resolved.
3. “I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut from now on.”
This is a passive-aggressive way of making you feel bad for expressing your concerns. They’re acting like your feedback is silencing them, hoping you’ll back off and let them say whatever they want without consequences. This tactic often results in you feeling guilty for speaking up and may discourage you from addressing issues in the future.
4. “You know how stressed I’ve been lately.”
They’re using external factors to excuse their behaviour. It’s a bid for sympathy that also serves to deflect responsibility. They’re hoping you’ll feel bad for them and overlook their actions. This pattern can create a situation where their stress becomes a get-out-of-jail-free card for any misbehaviour.
5. “I was only joking, can’t you take a joke?”
This dismisses your feelings and makes you seem overly sensitive. They’re trying to gaslight you into thinking their hurtful comments weren’t really hurtful at all. It’s a way to avoid apologising for crossing a line. Over time, this can do a number on your confidence in your own perceptions and emotional responses.
6. “I’m not perfect, I’m only human.”
While this sounds like they’re admitting fault, they’re actually minimising their actions. They’re trying to lower your expectations so you won’t hold them accountable. It’s a subtle way of avoiding real change or apology. This phrase can create a cycle where harmful behaviour is repeatedly excused without any genuine effort to improve.
7. “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you.”
This flips the script, making it seem like you’re the difficult one. They’re painting themselves as the victim of your supposed oversensitivity. It’s meant to make you doubt your reactions and ease up on your boundaries. You might find yourself becoming more hesitant to express your feelings or needs to avoid being labelled as ‘difficult’.
8. “I’m just speaking my truth.”
They’re framing their hurtful comments or actions as brave honesty. It’s a way to deflect criticism by making it seem like you’re against authenticity. They’re trying to make you feel bad for questioning their ‘truth’. This tactic can create an environment where their perspective is prioritised over your feelings or experiences.
9. “You’re the only one who really knows me.”
This sounds intimate, but it’s often a way to isolate you and make you feel responsible for their emotional wellbeing. They’re setting you up as their sole support, which can be used to manipulate you later. This can create an unhealthy dynamic where you feel obligated to prioritise their needs above your own.
10. “I’m doing this for your own good.”
Source: Unsplash They’re justifying controlling behaviour by framing it as helpful. It’s a way to make you feel ungrateful for questioning their actions. They’re trying to override your autonomy while seeming caring. This approach can gradually destroy your confidence in making your own decisions.
11. “Why are you trying to make me look bad?”
This suggests you have malicious intent when you’re just expressing concerns. They’re deflecting by making it about your supposed agenda rather than their behaviour. It’s meant to put you on the defensive. This tactic can leave you feeling guilty for bringing up legitimate issues and may discourage you from doing so in the future.
12. “I’ve given up so much for this relationship.”
They’re painting themselves as the selfless martyr. It’s a guilt trip designed to make you feel indebted to them. They’re hoping you’ll feel too guilty to bring up issues or set boundaries. This approach can create an imbalance in the relationship where you feel constantly in their debt.
13. “You’re reading too much into this.”
This dismisses your perceptions and makes you doubt yourself. They’re trying to downplay the impact of their actions by suggesting you’re overthinking. It’s a form of gaslighting to avoid taking responsibility. Over time, this can severely undermine your trust in your own judgment and intuition.
14. “I didn’t realise you were so insecure.”
They’re flipping the script by suggesting your reaction comes from your own issues, not their behaviour. It’s a way to avoid accountability by making you question your own motives and feelings. This tactic can leave you feeling vulnerable and may make you hesitant to express your concerns in the future.
15. “I’m just being efficient/practical.”
This justifies inconsiderate behaviour by framing it as a positive trait. They’re trying to make you feel unreasonable for having emotional responses to their actions. It’s a way to prioritise their desires over your feelings. This approach can create an environment where emotional needs are consistently devalued in favour of ‘practicality’.
16. “I thought we were closer than this.”
This implies you’re betraying the relationship by bringing up issues. They’re trying to use your emotional investment against you. It’s meant to make you feel guilty for not unconditionally accepting their behaviour. This manipulation can leave you feeling torn between maintaining the relationship and addressing your own needs and concerns.
