Emotionally intelligent people know that words have power, and they choose theirs carefully.
They don’t walk on eggshells or self-censor, but they do think before they speak and make sure that what they’re saying reflects how they truly feel. To people with high EQ, thoughtfulness and respect are always high on their list of priorities when communicating with people, whether it’s a partner, friend, or even a colleague. That’s why you’ll never hear them say any of these things.
1. “You always…” or “You never…”
Starting a sentence with “you always” or “you never” instantly puts someone on the defensive. It sounds accusatory and exaggerated, even if you have a valid point. Instead of focusing on a pattern of behaviour, try addressing the specific situation at hand. “I was disappointed when you didn’t call me back yesterday” is a lot more constructive than “You never call me back!”
2. “Calm down.”
Telling someone to “calm down” is like pouring petrol on a fire. It invalidates their feelings and makes them feel even more misunderstood. Instead of trying to control their emotions, offer a listening ear and empathy. “I can see you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?” is a much more compassionate approach.
3. “It’s not a big deal.”
Minimising someone’s feelings will inevitably make them feel unheard and unimportant. What might seem trivial to you could be a major issue for them. Instead of dismissing their concerns, acknowledge their feelings and offer support. “I understand this is important to you. How can I help?” can make a major difference to them.
4. “I told you so.”
We all love to be right, but rubbing it in someone’s face isn’t the way to win friends or be very well liked. Saying “I told you so” might give you a momentary feeling of superiority, but it also creates resentment and undermines trust. If someone made a mistake, offer help and/or forgiveness instead of a lecture.
5. “This is just the way I am.”
Using this phrase as an excuse for hurtful behaviour is a cop-out. It implies that you’re unwilling or unable to change, and that other people should just put up with your nonsense. Emotionally intelligent people take responsibility for their behaviour and try to improve. Instead of saying “This is just the way I am,” try “I’m working on it.”
6. “You’re too sensitive.”
This is another way of invalidating someone’s feelings. It suggests that their emotions are somehow wrong or excessive, and that they need to toughen up. Everyone has different emotional thresholds, and there’s nothing wrong with being sensitive. Instead of criticising someone for their sensitivity, try understanding where they’re coming from.
7. “You should…” or “You shouldn’t…”
Unsolicited advice is rarely welcome. Telling someone what they “should” or “shouldn’t” do can come across as judgmental and condescending. Instead of offering advice, try asking questions that help them explore their own thoughts and feelings. “What do you think you’ll do?” or “How are you feeling about this?” are good choices.
8. “At least…”
Trying to cheer someone up by comparing their situation to something worse usually backfires. Saying “At least you have your health” or “At least it’s not raining” doesn’t actually make their problems any smaller. Instead of trying to find a silver lining, just acknowledge their feelings and offer support.
9. “That’s ridiculous.”
Dismissing someone’s idea or opinion as “ridiculous” is not only disrespectful but also stifles open communication. Even if you disagree, try to understand their perspective before jumping to conclusions. “I see things differently, but I’m curious to hear more about your idea” is a much more constructive approach.
10. “Why can’t you be more like…?”
Source: Unsplash Comparing someone to another person is a recipe for resentment and insecurity. Everyone has unique strengths and weaknesses, and it’s unfair to hold them to someone else’s standards. Instead of comparing, focus on appreciating their individual qualities and encouraging their growth. “I admire your creativity” or “I appreciate your honesty” are much more supportive statements.
11. “It’s fine.” (When it’s not.)
Source: Unsplash Bottling up your emotions and pretending everything is “fine” when it’s not is a recipe for disaster. It leads to resentment, misunderstandings, and eventually, explosions. Emotionally intelligent people are honest about their feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable. “I’m actually feeling a bit hurt/angry/frustrated right now” is a much healthier way to express yourself.
12. “Whatever.”
This dismissive word is a conversation killer. It conveys apathy, disrespect, and a lack of interest in what the other person has to say. Even if you’re feeling annoyed or indifferent, try to engage in the conversation or politely excuse yourself. “I’m not sure I follow. Could you explain?” or “I’m sorry, I’m not really in the mood to talk right now” are much better alternatives.
13. “I’m not good at emotions.”
Source: Unsplash Using this phrase as an excuse to avoid emotional conversations or to dismiss someone else’s feelings is a cop-out. Everyone has the capacity for empathy and emotional intelligence, even if it doesn’t come naturally. Instead of shutting down, try to engage with your emotions and other people’s. “I’m still learning how to express my feelings, but I want to understand what you’re going through.”
14. “You’re overreacting.”
Telling someone they’re overreacting invalidates their feelings and minimises their experience. Everyone reacts differently to situations, and what might seem like an overreaction to you could be a perfectly normal response for them. Instead of judging their reaction, try to understand the root of their emotions. “What’s causing you to feel this way?” or “Is there something else going on?” are more empathetic questions.
15. “I don’t care.”
Saying “I don’t care” might seem like a way to assert your independence or indifference, but it can also be hurtful and dismissive. Even if you genuinely don’t have a strong opinion on the topic at hand, try to engage in the conversation or offer a neutral response. “I’m open to whatever you decide” or “It’s up to you” are better ways to express your neutrality.
16. “You made me feel…”
Blaming other people for your feelings is a sign of low emotional intelligence. While other people’s actions can certainly trigger your emotions, you’re ultimately responsible for how you feel and react. Instead of pointing the finger, take ownership of your emotions and express them in a healthy way. “I felt hurt when you said that” is a more empowering statement than “You made me feel hurt.”
