Some people somehow manage to suck the fun out of every room they enter.
They’re the ones who take everything literally, miss obvious jokes, and somehow manage to turn every light moment into an awkward silence. It’s clear they don’t have a sense of humour, and never is that more obvious than when they say these things (which they likely do often).
“Actually, that’s not technically correct.”
Nothing kills a funny story faster than the person who needs to point out that dolphins aren’t really fish, or that it’s impossible to literally die from embarrassment. These fact-checkers can’t help themselves from turning every casual conversation into a Wikipedia article, completely missing the point that sometimes being precisely wrong is what makes something funny.
“I don’t mean to offend you, but…”
The classic preface of someone who’s about to suck all joy from the room. They genuinely believe they’re being helpful by pointing out why your joke might upset someone somewhere in the theoretical universe. It’s like they’ve appointed themselves as the UN Secretary of Fun Prevention.
“Why is everyone laughing?”
The mating call of the perpetually confused comedy-killer. While everyone else is wiping tears from their eyes, they’re sitting there with a puzzled look, demanding a detailed explanation of the joke. By the time you’re done explaining, even you’ll forget why it was funny in the first place.
“That’s not appropriate for this setting.”
The hall monitor of humour never retired — they just grew up and started policing office banter. Even the tamest dad joke becomes a potential HR violation in their eyes. They treat every casual conversation like it’s being recorded for a Supreme Court hearing.
“I prefer intellectual humour.”
Translation: they once understood a New Yorker cartoon and haven’t shut up about it since. These self-appointed comedy connoisseurs think anything that doesn’t require a PhD to understand is beneath them. They’re the same people who describe their favourite sitcom as “rather droll.”
“Let me explain why that’s problematic.”
The fun police’s favourite phrase when they detect even a whiff of potential offence in a harmless joke. They’ve got a talent for turning a light moment into a TED talk about societal issues. Meanwhile, everyone else is quietly plotting their escape from the conversation.
“That’s just silly and immature.”
Coming from someone who probably schedules their laughs in Outlook. They’ve forgotten that sometimes being silly is exactly the point, and that maturity doesn’t mean having a permanent stick up your behind. These are the people who judge everyone else for enjoying puns.
“I don’t understand the purpose of this conversation.”
Said by someone who treats every interaction like a business meeting that needs clear objectives and actionable outcomes. They’re physically incapable of understanding that sometimes people just talk for fun, and not everything needs to advance their five-year plan.
“We should focus on being productive.”
The battle cry of someone who sees laughter as a direct threat to efficiency. They’re convinced that every chuckle costs the company exactly 2.3 minutes of productivity. These are the people who respond to funny emails with “Noted.” and nothing else.
“I just think we should be more serious.”
Spoken by someone who treats life like one long funeral service. They’ve somehow convinced themselves that professionalism means never cracking a smile, and they’re suspicious of anyone who seems to be enjoying themselves too much. Guaranteed to respond to jokes with heavy sighs.
“Well, historically speaking…”
Here comes Professor Buzzkill, ready to derail any amusing anecdote with a detailed historical correction. They can’t help but interrupt a funny story about pizza to explain the socioeconomic conditions of 16th century Naples. Even their jokes come with footnotes.
“I don’t see how this contributes to the conversation.”
The favourite phrase of someone who treats every chat like a doctoral thesis defence. They’re physically pained by small talk and can’t understand why anyone would tell a story that doesn’t directly solve a problem or advance an agenda. Fun is inefficient in their spreadsheet of life.
“Some people might find that offensive.”
The self-appointed spokesperson for all hypothetically offended people everywhere. They’re not personally offended, mind you — they’re just concerned about theoretical people who might be. They’ve mastered the art of being outraged on behalf of people who never asked for their service.
“Let’s stick to the facts.”
Because apparently, every conversation needs to be treated like a court deposition. These joy-vampires can’t handle even a slight exaggeration for comedic effect. Tell them a “knock knock” joke, and they’ll want to verify if anyone actually knocked.
“I don’t appreciate that type of humour.”
Usually muttered by someone who considers a slightly misaligned spreadsheet to be the height of hilarity. They’ve created a complex ranking system for jokes, where anything causing actual laughter is automatically classified as inappropriate. Their idea of comedy is a perfectly organised filing system.
“Can we please be professional?”
The last resort of someone who equates having fun with complete anarchy. They’re convinced that one office joke will instantly transform the workplace into a chaotic circus. They probably have nightmares about casual Fridays getting too casual.
