You might have a heart of gold, but the things you say sometimes might send the opposite message.
While it’s not always what you say but how you say it that can unintentionally come across as dismissive or unsympathetic, you still need to choose your words carefully, especially when someone is struggling or being vulnerable with you. Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can make people feel unheard, undervalued, or even completely dismissed. If you don’t want to come across as cold and uncaring, drop these from your lexicon immediately.
1. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
While you may think you’re downplaying the issue to comfort someone, this often comes across as dismissive. It can make the other person feel like their emotions or concerns are unimportant. Instead of minimising their feelings, try acknowledging their perspective to create a sense of understanding. It might not be a big deal to you, but it is to them, and that deserves to be acknowledged.
2. “You’ll get over it eventually.”
Though you’re probably trying to sound optimistic, this can feel dismissive to someone currently struggling. It implies that their feelings are temporary and unworthy of deeper attention. A better approach is to say, “Take all the time you need—I’m here for you if you want to talk.” Yes, they probably will get over it eventually, but that doesn’t help in the moment!
3. “That’s just how life is.”
It’s true — life’s not fair and things don’t always go our way — but saying this can make you seem indifferent to the other person’s struggles. It brushes off their concerns as inevitable instead of showing empathy for their situation. A more supportive response would be to acknowledge their feelings and offer to help them get through whatever they’re struggling with.
4. “I’ve been through worse.”
While you might think you’re offering some much-needed perspective, this often comes across as competitive and invalidating. It shifts the focus to your experience instead of validating theirs. A more caring approach would be to say, “That sounds really tough. How can I support you?” After all, suffering isn’t a competition!
5. “You’re overreacting.”
This is a fast way to make someone feel unheard and judged, and it’s also incredibly infuriating, as someone who’s been on the receiving end of it knows all too well., It tells them their feelings are exaggerated and unworthy of your attention. A more empathetic response is to say, “I might not fully understand, but I can see this is really upsetting for you.”
6. “Can’t you just move on?”
While you may want to help someone let go of a problem, this often feels insensitive. It implies impatience and a lack of willingness to sit with them through their emotions. Something like, “I’m here if you need to process this — I know it’s not easy” makes you seem much kinder and more empathetic. Let them move on when they’re good and ready, and don’t rush the process.
7. “That’s not my problem, actually.”
Even if the issue isn’t directly yours to solve, as will be the case most of the time, this can feel like a complete dismissal. It sends the message that you don’t care about their situation at all. Let them know that you’re aware you can’t fix things for them, but that you’re than willing to be a sounding board or help them out however you can. Chances are, they’ll just be pleased to feel heard and supported.
8. “You’re being far too sensitive.”
Accusing someone of being too sensitive often makes them feel shamed for their emotions, and it’s a classic cop-out for people who just can’t be bothered to deal with other people’s emotions. It minimises their feelings and makes it harder for them to open up in the future. A better way to come at the situation would be to say something like, “I didn’t realise this was so important to you — let’s talk about it.”
9. “Why can’t you just figure it out?”
This just makes you seem impatient and unsupportive, especially if the person is already struggling. It puts the blame on them rather than acknowledging their need for advice or help. If you’ve got all the answers, why not show a bit of generosity and offer to help them out? If you don’t, think about how you’d feel in their shoes and show a bit more empathy.
10. “It could be worse, let’s face it.”
You’re probably just trying to bring a bit of perspective to the situation, but this often invalidates whatever they’re going through right now. It implies that their pain isn’t significant enough to warrant attention. Instead, try saying, “That sounds really tough — how are you holding up?” It doesn’t matter if it could be worse; that doesn’t make their current issue irrelevant.
11. “That’s just how you are.”
Labelling someone’s behaviour this way can feel like an attack on their personality, especially since it suggests that their concerns or actions are fixed traits rather than situational responses. A more empathetic approach is to ask, “What’s going on? You don’t seem like yourself today.” Give them space to open up about what they’re feeling rather than writing them off so quickly.
12. “Don’t make such a big deal out of it.”
Minimising what someone’s going through with this one can make them feel small and dismissed. It also sends the message that you don’t take their emotions seriously or value their perspective. Instead, let them know that you appreciate this is a big deal to them and that you’re there to listen. It’s a pretty small gesture in the grand scheme of things, but it’s a meaningful one.
13. “I don’t have time for this right now.”
Even if you’re genuinely busy, this can feel like a rejection. It tells the person that their needs or feelings aren’t a priority. Instead, let them know that you’re in the middle of some things you can’t drop at the minute, but that you want to make time to hear them out and help if you possibly can.
14. “To be honest, you should’ve known better.”
This can sound condescending and judgemental, making the person feel foolish or inadequate. It focuses on blame rather than understanding what happened. A more supportive response would be, “What can we learn from this so it doesn’t happen again?” Or, you could just listen without feeling the need to make them feel worse than they probably already do! That’s probably an even better option!
15. “That’s not my responsibility.”
While it’s fair to have boundaries, this can come across as cold and unhelpful because it basically implies that you’re unwilling to even listen or offer guidance. You can let them know that you can’t or are unwilling to take on their issue without making them feeling like they’re on their own.
16. “Everyone goes through that — it’s really nothing special.”
Saying this can make someone feel like their experience is being dismissed as unimportant. It diminishes their feelings and suggests they don’t deserve empathy. A better response would be, “I can’t imagine how that feels for you — do you want to talk about it?” See how easy that is?
