Your family is supposed to be your built-in support system you can always rely on, no matter how tough things get in life.
Source: Unsplash Sadly, for many people, spending time with family can leave them feeling drained, anxious, and just plain bad about themselves. If you dread family gatherings or feel like you need a week to recover after a visit home, you’re definitely not alone (it’s one of the reasons I stopped going back so often!). Family dynamics can be complex, messy, and downright toxic at times — here’s why yours might leave you feeling so drained.
1. They’re stuck in the past.
Source: Unsplash Do your family members still see you as the awkward teenager you once were, rather than the capable adult you’ve become? It’s frustrating when your family can’t seem to let go of outdated perceptions and treat you like the person you are today. They might bring up embarrassing childhood stories, use old nicknames you’ve outgrown, or dismiss your accomplishments because they don’t fit with their image of you. It’s no wonder you feel stifled and misunderstood after spending time with them.
2. They’re overly critical.
Source: Unsplash Some families show love through constant criticism and “constructive feedback.” They nitpick your appearance, your life choices, your parenting style — literally nothing is off-limits. While they may think they’re being helpful, this barrage of negativity can leave you feeling deflated and, frankly, like crap. You start second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’ll ever measure up to their impossible standards. Remember, their criticism says more about them than it does about you. You don’t have to take it to heart (and you definitely shouldn’t).
3. They’re emotionally unavailable.
Source: Unsplash On the flip side, some families are so emotionally closed off that it’s like trying to get blood from a stone. You want deep, meaningful conversations and genuine connection with your relatives, but all you get are superficial small talk and awkward silences. You may feel like you have to censor yourself or put on a fake persona just to keep the peace. This emotional distance can leave you feeling lonely and unseen, even when you’re surrounded by family.
4. They’re stuck in dysfunctional patterns.
Source: Unsplash Every family has its quirks and dysfunctions, but some take it to the extreme. Maybe your family is prone to explosive arguments, passive-aggressive jabs, or the toxic practice of using other family members against you. These unhealthy patterns can be deeply ingrained and hard to break free from, even as an adult. Being around this dysfunctional dynamic can be triggering and exhausting, leaving you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells or regressing back to old coping mechanisms.
5. They constantly invalidate your feelings.
Source: Unsplash When you try to express your emotions or share a struggle you’re going through, does your family brush you off or tell you to “just get over it”? Invalidating responses like “it’s not that bad,” “you’re being too sensitive,” or “I had it way worse at your age” can make you feel like your feelings don’t matter. Over time, this emotional invalidation can erode your self-trust and make it harder to identify and express your needs.
6. They’re judgmental of your life choices.
Source: Unsplash You’re a grown adult, but your family still feels entitled to weigh in on every aspect of your life — your career, your relationships, your finances, even your hobbies. They may express disapproval or try to persuade you to make different choices, rather than respecting your autonomy. This constant judgment can leave you feeling like you’re not good enough or like you have to defend your decisions at every turn. It’s exhausting and demoralising.
7. They’re intrusive and overbearing.
Source: Unsplash Does your family have a hard time respecting your boundaries and personal space? Maybe they drop by unannounced, go through your things without asking, or pry into your private life. This lack of boundaries can make you feel violated and suffocated, like you have no control over your own life. You may find yourself avoiding family gatherings just to preserve your sanity and sense of autonomy.
8. They play favourites.
Source: Unsplash
Source: Unsplash Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that makes you question your own reality and perceptions. If your family constantly denies or downplays your experiences, tells you you’re being “too sensitive” or “crazy,” or twists the truth to make themselves look better, you may start to doubt yourself. This can leave you feeling confused, anxious, and disconnected from your own intuition.
10. They’re toxic and abusive.
Source: Unsplash In some cases, family dynamics can cross the line into outright abuse — whether it’s physical, emotional, etc. If you’ve experienced trauma or mistreatment at the hands of a family member, being around them can be incredibly triggering and re-traumatising. You may feel unsafe, powerless, or like you’re regressing back to a vulnerable child state. Remember, you have every right to protect yourself and set firm boundaries, even if it means limiting or cutting off contact.
11. They’re emotionally immature.
Source: Unsplash Just because someone is older than you doesn’t mean they’re emotionally mature or capable of healthy relationships. If your family members are prone to tantrums, silent treatments, or other childish behaviours, it can be frustrating and draining to be around them. You may feel like you have to walk on eggshells or play the role of peacemaker, rather than being able to relax and be yourself. It’s okay to limit your exposure to emotionally stunted family members, even if they guilt-trip you for it.
12. They’re envious of your success.
Source: Unsplash If you’ve achieved something your family members haven’t, whether it’s a career milestone, a happy relationship, or personal growth — they may react with jealousy and resentment. They may try to downplay your accomplishments, compare you to other people, or make snide comments to take you down a peg. This can leave you feeling like you have to dim your light or apologise for your success, rather than being able to celebrate and share your joy with them.
13. They pressure you to conform to their standards.
Source: Unsplash Does your family have rigid expectations for how you should live your life — what career you should pursue, who you should marry, how you should raise your kids? If you dare to deviate from the family script, you may face guilt, shame, or even ostracism. This pressure to conform can leave you feeling suffocated and inauthentic, like you have to choose between being true to yourself and being accepted by your family.
14. They have addiction issues or struggle with mental illness.
Source: Unsplash If you have a family member struggling with addiction, untreated mental illness, or other serious issues, being around them can be chaotic and unpredictable. You may feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering an outburst or relapse. This chronic stress and emotional labour can take a toll on your own well-being, leaving you feeling drained and helpless. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. In fact, it’s important that you do!
15. They’re way too overprotective.
Source: Unsplash Helicopter parents aren’t just for kids — some families continue to smother and micromanage well into adulthood. If your family is constantly checking up on you, offering unsolicited advice, or trying to shield you from any potential problems, it can feel infantilising and disempowering. You may struggle to develop confidence and independence, always second-guessing yourself and deferring to your family’s opinions. It’s important to set boundaries and assert your autonomy, even if it ruffles some feathers.
16. They trigger your inner child.
Being around family can sometimes bring out the worst in us, triggering old patterns and coping mechanisms from childhood. Maybe you revert to being the anxious people-pleaser, the rebellious troublemaker, or the invisible peacemaker. These old roles and dynamics can feel confining and inauthentic, like you’re wearing a mask that doesn’t quite fit any more. It’s okay to acknowledge and work through these triggers, rather than beating yourself up for not being “over it” yet. Healing is a process, and you’re doing the best you can.
