16 Red-Flag Phrases Narcissists Use to Control You

Igor Emmerich

Narcissists are notorious for their manipulative tactics, and words are one of their most powerful tools. They don’t just use them to communicate, but to control, confuse, and totally destroy your sense of self. Here are some of the phrases you’re likely to hear from them regularly.

1. “You’re too sensitive/emotional/crazy.”

Emotional validation isn’t something you’ll ever receive from a narcissist. If you dare to express hurt, anger, or any emotion that doesn’t fit their agenda, they’ll label you as “irrational,” “hysterical,” or “overreacting.” It’s a way to shift the blame from their own bad behaviour and make you feel like the problem lies with you. Over time, this makes it nearly impossible to express yourself because you realize it’s pointless to do so.

2. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

This is another gem to minimize your concerns and dismiss your feelings as invalid. Whether it’s a genuine grievance or a simple difference of opinion, a narcissist will make you feel like you’re blowing things out of proportion every single time. They want nothing more than to shut you down (as well as any potential drama/conflict) and stay in control.

3. “I’m the only one who truly understands you.”

Narcissists are well known for their isolation tactics, MindBodyGreen notes, and they’ll do whatever they can to ensure they’re your only confidante and your sole source of validation. By insinuating that no one else “gets” you, they hope to create a sense of dependence and loyalty, which then makes you less likely to find support from people who might see through the narcissist’s facade.

4. “If you really loved me, you would…”

You have to love a bit of emotional blackmail, right? (No, definitely not.) Narcissists twist your love and care for them into a weapon, and they tend to use this phrase to pressure you into doing things you’re uncomfortable with, all under the guise of love and devotion. If you resist or challenge their demands, you’re suddenly labelled as selfish or cold.

5. “You’re so lucky to have me.”

It seems innocent enough on the surface, but dig a bit deeper, and it becomes obvious that this is a form of subtle manipulation. It implies that you’re not good enough, and that you should be grateful for their presence in your life, even when they’re treating you like rubbish. This creates a dynamic where you feel like you constantly need to prove your worth and earn their affection, and that’s no way to live.

6. “I never said that.”

This one’s called gaslighting, and it’s one of a narcissist’s most relied-upon tools. They’ll deny saying or doing things, even if you have clear proof that they’re full of it. They’ll twist the story, try to make you question your own memory, and create enough confusion that you start doubting your own sanity. Don’t fall for it.

7. “You’re always overreacting.”

This is another tactic to invalidate your feelings and experiences. If you’re upset about something they’ve done, they’ll dismiss your emotions as exaggerated or dramatic. It’s a way to shut down any potential conflict and maintain their control over the situation. By repeatedly telling you that your feelings are invalid, they make you less likely to trust your own instincts and more dependent on their approval.

8. “Why can’t you be more like [insert someone else’s name]?”

Comparison is a tool of control. Narcissists will often compare you to other people in a bad way to make you feel inadequate or insecure. They might pit you against a sibling, a friend, or even an ex-partner, highlighting their perceived strengths and emphasizing your supposed shortcomings. You’re not perfect, sure, but you don’t need to put up with that BS.

9. “I’m the only one who’s ever truly loved you.”

This phrase is a potent mix of isolation and manipulation. They want to make you believe they’re the only person who’s ever valued or understood you, which then creates a sense of dependency. It also plants seeds of doubt about past relationships, making you question whether you’ve ever truly experienced love before. It’s a way to elevate their importance in your life and make you feel indebted to them for their “unconditional” love, even when their behaviour is far from loving.

10. “Everyone thinks you’re [insert negative trait].”

They’ll claim that everyone else shares their negative opinion of you, making you feel isolated and questioning your own worth. This tactic is especially effective if they’re already trying to isolate you from friends and family, as you’ll have fewer people to counter their narrative. It’s a classic form of manipulation designed to make you more reliant on them for validation.

11. “You’re so dramatic/needy/clingy.”

As Simply Psychology explains, narcissists project their own insecurities onto anyone and everyone else. If they’re feeling emotionally distant or want to pull away, they’ll accuse you of being “too much.” They’ll criticize your emotional needs as excessive or unreasonable, making you feel guilty for wanting attention or affection. This is a way to control the emotional temperature of the relationship and keep you guessing about what kind of response you’ll get from them.

12. “I was just joking.”

Narcissists often use humour as a weapon. They’ll make hurtful comments disguised as jokes, then claim they were just teasing if you get upset. This is a way to deflect accountability for their words and make you feel like you’re being overly sensitive. Over time, this constant dismissal can destroy your confidence and make you hesitant to speak up about how their “jokes” make you feel.

13. “You wouldn’t be able to survive without me.”

This is a classic dependency-inducing tactic. Narcissists want you to feel like you need them to survive, whether financially, emotionally, or practically. They’ll remind you of all the things they do for you, exaggerating their contributions and minimizing yours. This creates a sense of indebtedness and makes you less likely to challenge their behaviour or leave the relationship.

14. “No one else will ever love you like I do.”

This is another variation on the “You’re lucky to have me” theme. It’s designed to make you feel like you’re unlovable, that you’ll never find anyone else who will put up with your “flaws” and tolerate your “difficult” personality. This plays on your fears of abandonment and makes you more likely to stay in the relationship, even when it’s clearly unhealthy.

15. “You’re imagining things.”

This is a powerful gaslighting tactic used to invalidate your perceptions and experiences. When you call out a narcissist’s behaviour or question their motives, they’ll accuse you of being paranoid or delusional. They’ll deny any wrongdoing, making you feel like you’re overreacting or misinterpreting the situation. It’s a way to create confusion and make you doubt yourself, even when your instincts are spot-on.

16. “You need to take better care of yourself.”

This seemingly harmless comment can be a covert form of manipulation. Narcissists may use this phrase to critique your appearance, habits, or lifestyle choices. This is a backhanded way of undermining your confidence and making you feel like you need their approval to be worthy. They may mask their criticisms as concern, but the underlying message is one of control and judgment.