Dealing with a narcissist is like navigating a minefield. One wrong move, and you can set off an explosive reaction that leaves you reeling.
Narcissists are notoriously fragile and easily threatened, despite their outward bravado and grandiosity. When you push their buttons — whether intentionally or not — you can expect a swift and often vicious retaliation. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s essential to know the signs that you’ve triggered their wrath and what you can expect in response. Here are 16 red flags to watch out for.
1. You’ve called them out on their lies or exaggerations.
Narcissists are master manipulators who use lies and half-truths to control others and maintain their carefully crafted image. If you’ve caught them in a lie and confronted them about it, be prepared for a backlash. They’ll likely double down on their deception, twist the truth to make you doubt yourself, or fly into a rage at being challenged. They may even try to gaslight you into believing that you’re the one who’s confused or mistaken.
2. You’ve set a boundary or said “no” to them.
Narcissists believe that they’re entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it. If you’ve dared to set a boundary or deny them something they feel they deserve, they’ll take it as a personal affront. They may try to bulldoze over your boundary, guilt-trip you into changing your mind, or punish you with the silent treatment or other passive-aggressive tactics. They’ll do whatever it takes to reassert their control and get their way.
3. You’ve outshone them in some way.
Narcissists need to be the centre of attention and the best at everything. If you’ve accomplished something impressive or received recognition for your talents, they’ll likely feel threatened and envious. They may try to diminish your achievement, take credit for your success, or one-up you with their own (often exaggerated) accomplishments. They’ll do whatever it takes to redirect the spotlight back onto themselves and maintain their sense of superiority.
4. You’ve criticized them or given them negative feedback.
Narcissists have a fragile ego that can’t tolerate even the slightest criticism or negative feedback. If you’ve pointed out a flaw or mistake, or offered constructive criticism, they’ll likely react with defensiveness, anger, or self-pity. They may lash out at you, blame you for their shortcomings, or play the victim to gain sympathy and avoid accountability. They’ll do anything to protect their inflated self-image and deflect responsibility for their actions.
5. You’ve questioned their authority or expertise.
Narcissists see themselves as superior to others and often fancy themselves as experts in various fields, even when they have little knowledge or experience. If you’ve challenged their authority or questioned their expertise, they’ll likely react with indignation and hostility. They may belittle your own knowledge or qualifications, cite irrelevant credentials or accomplishments, or simply dismiss your perspective as invalid. They’ll do whatever it takes to maintain their illusion of superiority and control.
6. You’ve called them out on their lack of empathy.
Narcissists are notoriously lacking in empathy and often struggle to consider others’ feelings or perspectives. If you’ve pointed out their insensitivity or lack of consideration for others, they’ll likely react with defensiveness or dismissal. They may accuse you of being too sensitive, play the victim, or simply change the subject to avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour. They’ll do anything to avoid confronting their own emotional deficits and the impact they have on others.
7. You’ve set a limit on their access to you.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often see their partners or family members as extensions of themselves, and feel entitled to constant access and attention. If you’ve tried to set a limit on their access to you, whether it’s taking some alone time or setting a boundary around communication, they’ll likely react with anger or panic. They may bombard you with calls or messages, show up uninvited, or use guilt or manipulation to regain control. They’ll do whatever it takes to maintain their hold on you.
8. You’ve called them out on their controlling behaviour.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists have a deep need for control and will often use various tactics to dominate their partners or family members. If you’ve pointed out their controlling behaviour or tried to assert your own autonomy, they’ll likely react with resistance or retaliation. They may double down on their efforts to control you, use threats or ultimatums to get their way, or punish you with the silent treatment or other forms of emotional abuse. They’ll do whatever it takes to maintain their grip on the relationship.
9. You’ve exposed their true nature to others.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are masters at creating a false persona that hides their true, often toxic nature. If you’ve exposed their true colours to others, whether it’s by calling out their lies or sharing your experiences of their abuse, they’ll likely react with rage and retribution. They may launch a smear campaign against you, try to turn others against you, or take legal action to silence you. They’ll do whatever it takes to protect their carefully crafted image and maintain their power over others.
10. You’ve refused to enable their bad behaviour.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often rely on others to enable or excuse their bad behaviour, whether it’s by making excuses for them, cleaning up their messes, or simply turning a blind eye. If you’ve refused to enable their toxic behaviour or held them accountable for their actions, they’ll likely react with anger or self-pity. They may accuse you of being unsupportive, play the victim, or threaten to harm themselves or others. They’ll do whatever it takes to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and maintain their dysfunctional patterns.
11. You’ve questioned their grandiose claims or fantasies.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often have an inflated sense of their own importance and abilities, and may make grandiose claims or harbour unrealistic fantasies about their future. If you’ve questioned the validity of their claims or tried to bring them back down to earth, they’ll likely react with defensiveness or dismissal. They may double down on their fantasies, accuse you of being a naysayer or a dream-killer, or simply ignore your input altogether. They’ll do whatever it takes to maintain their sense of specialness and entitlement.
12. You’ve called them out on their lack of follow-through.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are often all talk and no action, making grand promises or commitments that they fail to keep. If you’ve called them out on their lack of follow-through or held them accountable for their broken promises, they’ll likely react with excuses or blame-shifting. They may claim that circumstances beyond their control prevented them from following through, or that you’re being unreasonable in your expectations. They’ll do whatever it takes to avoid admitting their own shortcomings or inconsistencies.
13. You’ve tried to end the relationship.
Source: Unsplash For narcissists, the idea of being rejected or abandoned is intolerable, as it threatens their fragile sense of self. If you’ve tried to end the relationship or even just take some space for yourself, they’ll likely react with panic, rage, or desperation. They may engage in grand gestures or love-bombing to win you back, use guilt or threats to keep you from leaving, or stalk and harass you if you do manage to get away. They’ll do whatever it takes to maintain their hold on you and avoid the narcissistic injury of rejection.
14. You’ve called them out on their manipulative behaviour.
Narcissists are skilled manipulators who use various tactics to control and exploit others, from gaslighting to love-bombing to triangulation. If you’ve called out their manipulative behaviour or tried to set boundaries around it, they’ll likely react with denial, defensiveness, or rage. They may accuse you of being the manipulative one, play the victim, or simply ramp up their efforts to control you. They’ll do whatever it takes to maintain their power over you and avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
15. You’ve refused to feed their ego or give them attention.
Narcissists require constant admiration, validation, and attention from others to maintain their inflated sense of self. If you’ve refused to feed their ego or give them the attention they crave, they’ll likely react with anger, self-pity, or attention-seeking behaviour. They may fish for compliments, create drama or crises to get your focus, or simply lash out at you for not meeting their needs. They’ll do whatever it takes to get their narcissistic supply and avoid feeling ignored or unimportant.
16. You’ve set a boundary around their access to your resources.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often see others as sources of supply, whether it’s emotional validation, financial support, or practical assistance. If you’ve set a boundary around their access to your resources, whether it’s your time, money, or energy, they’ll likely react with entitlement or rage. They may demand that you continue to give them what they want, use guilt or manipulation to wear you down, or simply take what they feel they’re owed without your consent. They’ll do whatever it takes to maintain their access to your resources and avoid any limits on their entitlement.
Pushing a narcissist’s buttons is never a pleasant experience, but it’s important to remember that their reactions are not your fault or your responsibility.
Narcissists are deeply insecure and fragile individuals who rely on others to regulate their sense of self-worth and maintain their illusions of grandeur. When you challenge their carefully constructed facade or set limits on their behaviour, you threaten their very identity. It’s natural for them to lash out in response, but it’s crucial that you prioritize your own safety, sanity, and well-being in the face of their abuse. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it may be time to seek support from a therapist or domestic violence hotline to help you navigate this difficult terrain and protect yourself from further harm. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect, empathy, and kindness — and no amount of love or loyalty can change a narcissist’s fundamental nature.
