Divorce is never easy, even if you’re the one who initiated it.
Ending your marriage to someone you once imagined spending the rest of your life with is devastating and can be incredibly hard to process, especially if the thing that broke you apart was sudden, and you feel a bit blindsided. Here are some stages of grief you’re likely going to go through as you process the end of your relationship.
1. Denial: “This can’t be happening to us.”
At first, you might be in a state of disbelief, unable to accept that your marriage is ending. You might cling to hope that it’s just a rough patch or a bad dream you’ll wake up from. This stage can feel like you’re watching your life from the outside, struggling to grasp the reality of the situation.
2. Shock: “I feel numb and can’t process this.”
As the reality starts to sink in, you might feel emotionally paralysed. This numbness is your mind’s way of protecting you from overwhelming emotions. You might go through the motions of daily life without really feeling present, as your brain tries to catch up with the massive change happening in your life.
3. Panic: “How will I cope with this?”
Once the shock wears off, panic often sets in. You’ll likely start worrying about practical matters like finances, living arrangements, and how to tell friends and family. This stage can be marked by sleepless nights and a constant feeling of anxiety about the future.
4. Anger: “How could they do this to me/us?”
Source: Unsplash Anger is a common and normal response to the pain of divorce. You may become furious at your ex-partner, yourself, or even the world in general. The anger can be intense and sometimes surprising in its strength, but it’s a natural part of the grieving process.
5. Bargaining: “If only we had tried harder…”
Source: Unsplash In this stage, you might start laying the “what if” game. You may try to negotiate with yourself, your ex, or even a higher power, thinking of ways the divorce could have been prevented. You may go through a lot of self-reflection and sometimes experience misplaced guilt.
6. Guilt: “This is all my fault.”
Source: Unsplash It’s common to feel responsible for the breakdown of your marriage, even if logically you know it takes two people to make or break a relationship. You might obsess over past mistakes or things you could have done differently. The guilt can be overwhelming, but is usually not an accurate reflection of reality.
7. Despair: “I’ll never be happy again.”
Source: Unsplash As the full weight of the loss hits you, you might experience deep sadness and hopelessness. This stage can feel like you’re in a dark tunnel with no light at the end. It’s important to remember that the intense despair, while very real, is not permanent.
8. Loneliness: “I feel so alone in this.”
Source: Unsplash Even if you have a strong support system, divorce can be an incredibly lonely experience. You might feel isolated from coupled friends or struggle with the absence of your former partner in your daily life. Your loneliness can be particularly acute during holidays or significant events.
9. Relief: “At least the fighting is over.”
Source: Unsplash Amidst the difficult emotions, you might also experience moments of relief. If your marriage was particularly unhappy or stressful, there might be a sense of freedom in its ending. The relief you feel can sometimes be accompanied by guilt, but it’s a normal and valid feeling.
10. Fear: “What if I’m alone forever?”
Source: Unsplash As you start to contemplate your future as a single person, fear might creep in. You may worry about being alone, never finding love again, or how this will affect your children if you have any. These fears are normal but often exaggerated by the emotional stress of divorce.
11. Resentment: “They’re moving on while I’m still struggling.”
Source: Unsplash As time passes, you might feel resentful, especially if your ex-partner seems to be coping better or has started a new relationship. Your resentment can be intense and may resurface even when you thought you were moving on. It’s a normal part of the healing process but can be particularly difficult to navigate.
12. Acceptance: “It’s over, and that’s okay.”
Gradually, you’ll start to accept the reality of your divorce. That doesn’t mean you’re happy about it, but you’re able to acknowledge it without being overwhelmed by emotion. Acceptance often comes in waves — you might feel it one day and then slide back into sadness the next.
13. Curiosity: “What possibilities does this new life hold?”
As you start to adjust to your new reality, you may become curious about what life as a single person could be like. You might start to explore new hobbies, rediscover old interests, or think about dating again. Your curiosity is a positive sign that you’re starting to look towards the future.
14. Growth: “I’m learning so much about myself.”
Through the pain of divorce, there’s often significant personal growth. You might discover strengths you didn’t know you had, or learn valuable lessons about relationships and yourself. The growth you experience can be empowering and help you feel more confident about your future.
15. Forgiveness: “I can let go of the anger now.”
Forgiving your ex-partner (and yourself) is often one of the final stages of divorce grief. That doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing hurtful behaviour, but rather letting go of the anger and resentment that’s been weighing you down. Forgiveness is more about your peace of mind than the other person.
16. Hope: “I’m ready for the next chapter of my life.”
Finally, you’ll start to feel hopeful about the future. You’ll realise that while divorce was painful, it hasn’t defined you. You might feel excited about new possibilities, or simply content with where you are. Your newfound hope is a sign that you’ve come through the grieving process stronger and ready for whatever comes next.
