Most controlling people don’t just come out and admit that they’re trying to call the shots in your life.
In fact, they often disguise their manipulation under the guise of love or concern, which makes it a lot harder to spot the red flags. That being said, there are certain phrases they use on a regular basis that reveal their desire to pull the strings, and if you know what they are, their intentions soon become clear. No matter how much they claim to care about or want the best for you, if someone says these things, they’re trying to control you.
1. “I’m only doing this for your own good.”
It might sound like a caring statement, but it’s often used to justify decisions made without your input. They frame it as selfless, even though it undermines your autonomy. What’s presented as concern is usually about maintaining control. Genuine love supports your ability to make your own choices, rather than taking those choices away under the guise of protection.
2. “Why do you always have to make things so difficult?”
Arguments or disagreements might be dismissed as you being “difficult,” which shifts the blame onto you. It’s a tactic to make you second-guess yourself and feel like the problem lies with your boundaries. Of course, this discourages an open and honest conversation and creates an unfair power dynamic. A healthy relationship values compromise and understanding, rather than brushing off differing opinions as obstacles.
3. “No one else will ever love you like I do.”
At first, this might sound romantic, but it’s often intended to plant insecurity. The message is clear: they’re irreplaceable, and you should feel lucky to have them, regardless of how they treat you. True love doesn’t rely on fear or comparison. Building a partnership means both people feel valued and secure, not emotionally trapped by manipulative words.
4. “I didn’t mean it that way, you’re just too sensitive.”
This line deflects attention from their hurtful words or actions, turning the issue into something wrong with your reaction instead. It invalidates how you feel and keeps the focus off their behaviour. Emotional invalidation breaks down trust over time. Someone who cares will acknowledge your feelings instead of brushing them aside with dismissive remarks.
5. “You’re lucky I put up with you.”
Framing themselves as tolerant is a way to make you feel indebted. It’s a subtle dig at your worth, implying that you should be grateful for their presence, no matter how they treat you. A healthy partner sees you as an equal, not someone they’re “putting up with.” Real love doesn’t come with strings attached or constant reminders of their supposed patience.
6. “I only act like this because I love you so much.”
Hurtful behaviour is often excused with claims of passion or intense love. While it might sound sweet at first, it’s really about making you accept actions that don’t feel loving at all. Love doesn’t require explanations for damaging behaviour. Instead of rationalising harmful patterns, a caring partner takes responsibility and works on healthier ways to express their emotions.
7. “If you loved me, you’d do this for me.”
Using love as leverage puts unfair pressure on you to prove your feelings. It’s not a request—it’s an ultimatum disguised as affection, leaving no room for your own wants or needs. True connection thrives on mutual respect, not guilt-tripping. When love becomes a bargaining tool, it’s no longer about connection but control.
8. “You’re overthinking it—just let me handle it.”
By framing you as someone who overcomplicates things, they take control while making it sound like they’re easing your burden. It’s a subtle way of undermining your independence. Support in a relationship means empowering each other to make decisions, not taking over under the pretence of making things simpler.
9. “Everyone else agrees with me—you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.”
This one uses imaginary allies to isolate you and make you feel outnumbered. It creates doubt in your perspective, pressuring you to conform to their viewpoint. Your feelings don’t need validation from anyone else to be real. A loving partner values your perspective, even if it differs from theirs, without needing to rely on a crowd to back them up.
10. “I’m not controlling—you’re just not used to someone who cares.”
When called out on their behaviour, they might frame it as concern to make you question your judgment. It’s an attempt to normalise overstepping boundaries by blaming your discomfort. Caring doesn’t feel intrusive or suffocating. Genuine love respects your space and boundaries, without needing to disguise control as affection.
11. “You wouldn’t survive without me.”
This is meant to make you feel dependent, even if you’re perfectly capable on your own. It eats away at your confidence while keeping them at the centre of your world. Being loved should lift you up, not make you question your independence. A supportive partner believes in your strength, even when they’re by your side.
12. “Why are you always so dramatic?”
Dismissive comments like this reduce valid concerns to overreactions. It’s a way to downplay your feelings and avoid addressing the real issues at hand. Respectful relationships acknowledge emotions without making you feel ashamed for having them. Belittling how you feel is a sign of control, not care.
13. “I know what’s best for you.”
While it might sound thoughtful, this strips you of agency. It suggests that they have a better grasp of your life than you do, sidelining your own voice in important decisions. A healthy relationship is built on collaboration and trust. No one should have the final say on your life except you, regardless of how well-meaning they claim to be.
14. “You’re not the person I fell in love with.”
By highlighting how you’ve changed, they’re implying that your growth is a problem. It’s often used to make you feel guilty for evolving into someone they can’t control as easily. Love celebrates growth and change. Someone who truly cares will embrace who you are now, not try to pull you back into a version of yourself that no longer exists.
15. “I never said that — you’re imagining things.”
Gaslighting phrases like this aim to make you question your memory. By rewriting events, they gain control over your sense of reality, leaving you unsure of what’s true. A loving partner won’t manipulate your perception of events. Building trust requires honesty and accountability, not a warped version of the truth.
16. “I just want what’s best for us.”
On the surface, it sounds like they’re prioritising the relationship, but it’s often a way to push their own agenda. Decisions made under this guise tend to reflect their needs, not shared goals. Partnerships thrive on open communcation and shared choices. A genuine “what’s best for us” involves both voices, not just one deciding for the other.
