16 Ways Narcissists Show Their “Love” For You

The twisted world of narcissistic “love” is really messed up.

I put love in quotes because, spoiler alert, narcissists don’t actually know how to love in the true sense of the word. Their version of love is more like a self-serving game of control, manipulation, and ego-stroking. But they can be damn good at mimicking the real thing, at least in the beginning. So how do you spot the difference between genuine affection and narcissistic mind tricks? Here are 16 ways narcissists show their so-called love.

1. They love bomb you with over-the-top gestures and declarations.

In the early stages of a relationship, a narcissist will often inundate you with grandiose displays of affection. We’re talking dozens of roses delivered to your work, love letters that could put Shakespeare to shame, and declarations of eternal devotion after just a few dates. It can be intoxicating to feel so intensely desired, but beware – this is often just a tactic to reel you in and create a sense of premature intimacy. They’re not really seeing you – they’re just mirroring what they think you want to hook you.

2. They use “we” and “us” prematurely to create a false sense of unity.

Narcissists love to fast-track intimacy by using “we” language right off the bat. They’ll say things like “we make such a great team” or “nobody understands us like we understand each other” before you’ve even defined the relationship. This is a way of love-bombing you and making you feel like you’re already in a committed, us-against-the-world partnership. But it’s often just a manipulative tactic to make you feel like you owe them loyalty and investment before you’ve really got to know them. Don’t let language fool you into a false sense of closeness.

3. They constantly compliment you and build you up (at first).

Narcissists are skilled at figuring out what you most want to hear and then reflecting that back to you. They’ll compliment your appearance, your intelligence, your talents – anything to make you feel special and chosen. At first, this can feel amazing – who doesn’t love being showered with praise? But over time, you may start to realize that their compliments are generic, over-the-top, and not really grounded in a genuine appreciation of your unique qualities. They’re just telling you what they think you want to hear to keep you hooked.

4. They make grandiose promises about the future.

Narcissists love to paint a picture of an idyllic future together. They’ll talk about the dream house you’ll live in, the exotic vacations you’ll take, the empire you’ll build together. These visions can be so seductive that you start to believe that this virtual stranger is your soulmate and your ticket to happily ever after. But the reality is, narcissists often make promises they can’t or won’t keep. They’re just telling you what you want to hear in the moment to keep you invested, without any real intention of following through.

5. They play hot and cold to keep you on your toes.

Just when you think you’ve found the love of your life, the narcissist will often start to pull away or become oddly distant. They may take hours or days to respond to your texts, cancel plans at the last minute, or seem suddenly cold and disinterested. This is often a calculated move to keep you off balance and working harder to “win” their affection. They want you to feel like you need to prove your worth and chase after them, so they can feel in control and desired. Don’t fall for the push-pull mind games.

6. They get jealous and possessive, even early on.

Narcissists often have an intense fear of abandonment and a need to feel like they “own” their partners. Even early in the relationship, they may start exhibiting jealous and possessive behaviours, like constantly checking up on you, interrogating you about your past relationships, or getting angry if you spend time with friends or family. They may frame this as a sign of their intense love for you, but really it’s about control and insecurity. Healthy love trusts and supports your independence; narcissistic love tries to isolate and possess you.

7. They love your potential more than your reality.

Narcissists often fall in love with an idealized version of you – the person they think they can mould you into, rather than the person you actually are. They may talk a lot about all the ways they want to “improve” you or help you reach your potential, as if you’re a fixer-upper project rather than a complete human. While growth and encouragement can be part of a healthy relationship, narcissists often want to fundamentally change you to fit their fantasies. Real love accepts and appreciates you for who you are, flaws and all.

8. They need constant reassurance and displays of devotion.

Narcissists need perpetual proof that they are loved, desired, and adored. Even after the initial infatuation period fades, they may demand over-the-top demonstrations of your affection and commitment. They may pout or rage if you don’t post enough couple selfies on social media, constantly tell them how amazing they are, or make them the centre of your universe 24/7. They have a bottomless hunger for validation that can never truly be satisfied. You’ll always feel like you’re auditioning for their love, rather than receiving it unconditionally.

9. They punish you with the silent treatment or withholding affection.

When a narcissist feels slighted or doesn’t get their way, they often resort to emotional manipulation tactics like the silent treatment or withholding affection. They may pout, stonewall, or flat out ignore you for hours or days, leaving you grovelling and guessing what you did wrong. Then, when you’ve sufficiently shown your remorse and desperation, they’ll suddenly turn on the charm again and act like nothing happened. This cycle of hot-and-cold, push-and-pull keeps you off balance and working overtime to stay in their good graces. It’s a toxic mind game, not love.

10. They isolate you from your support system.

Narcissists often try to create a world where they are the centre of your universe, and you are dependent on them for validation and support. To achieve this, they may slowly start to isolate you from your friends, family, and outside interests. At first, this may seem romantic, like they just want you all to themselves. But over time, they may make you feel guilty for spending time with other people, sabotage your outside relationships, or demand all of your free time and attention. Cutting you off from your support system keeps you more vulnerable to their control.

11. They gaslight you when you express doubts or concerns.

If you ever question the narcissist’s behaviour or express your own needs, they will often flip the script and make you feel like you’re the problem. They may deny things they said, twist your words, or tell you that you’re being irrational or overly sensitive. They’re masters at gaslighting – making you doubt your own reality and intuition. They’ll have you apologizing for things that aren’t your fault and jumping through hoops to prove your loyalty. This isn’t love – it’s psychological manipulation designed to keep you compliant and confused.

12. They use guilt and obligation to keep you tethered.

Narcissists are skilled at using guilt as a weapon. They may constantly remind you of all the things they’ve done for you or sacrifices they’ve made to be with you, as if you now owe them undying devotion. They may rage or pout if you try to set boundaries or do things for yourself, claiming you don’t care about their feelings. They use guilt to keep you tethered and obligated to them, even when the relationship has become toxic. But love shouldn’t feel like a debt you can never repay. It should feel like a free choice.

13. They put you on a pedestal, only to knock you off it.

At first, the narcissist may treat you like you’re the most perfect, amazing creature to ever walk the earth. But sooner or later, they will find a way to knock you off that pedestal. They may start nitpicking your flaws, comparing you to other people (and not in a nice way), or blaming you for all the problems in the relationship. This sudden shift from idealization to devaluation can be crazy making. It’s like whiplash – one day you’re a queen/king, the next you’re dirt. This keeps you constantly scrambling to “win back” their approval and prove your worth.

14. They use intimacy and seduction as a form of control.

Narcissists often use their desirability as a form of power and control. At the beginning, they may seduce you with such skill and passion that you feel like you’ve never been so desired or compatible with someone. But over time, physical intimacy becomes more of a tool for them – a way to keep you hooked, a reward/punishment system for your behaviour, or a way to avoid real intimacy. They may withhold intimacy to punish you, or demand it even when you’re not in the mood because your pleasure is less important than their ego.

15. They “hoover” you back in when you try to leave.

If you ever try to end the relationship or take some space, the narcissist will often go into “hoover” mode – sucking you back in with sudden declarations of love, promises to change, or over-the-top gestures of devotion. They hate to lose a source of supply, so they’ll say whatever they think you need to hear to give them another chance. They may use pity ploys, telling you how lost they’ll be without you. Don’t fall for it – it’s often just a tactic to keep you on the hook. The cycle will continue.

16. They never take real accountability or make lasting change.

A narcissist may apologize when they’ve been caught doing something egregious or hurtful, but their apologies are often shallow and short-lived. They hate to admit fault or own up to their destructive patterns. They may give you just enough crumbs of contrition to keep you around, but they rarely do the real work of self-reflection and lasting change. Whenever you bring up past hurts or broken promises, they’ll deflect, deny, or somehow make it your fault. Real love takes accountability – narcissistic “love” is allergic to it.