Growing up with a parent who makes you doubt your own perceptions and judgement can affect you for the rest of your life.
While your caregivers should always validate your feelings and take responsibility for their own behaviour, if that didn’t happen, the damage can be deep and long-lasting. Here’s what happens when you’re the child of a gaslighting parent.
1. You constantly second-guess your own memories.
You remember things one way, but your parent has always insisted that things didn’t play out that way so vehemently that you wonder if maybe you did actually get it wrong. You can’t trust your own memories despite having lived those experiences.
2. Your self-esteem takes a nosedive.
A gaslighting parent’s constant criticism and manipulation can severely damage your self-esteem. It’s hard to recognise and cling to your own self-worth when you’re always being belittled and undermined. As a result, your inner critic is the loudest voice in your head and you may struggle to truly love and accept yourself.
3. You become an expert at reading the room.
To survive in an environment with a gaslighting parent, you likely developed a keen ability to sense people’s moods and intentions — you had to for the sake of self-preservation. It’s a useful skill, but it can take a toll on your mental and emotional health because you’re constantly on edge, looking out for potential drama or danger. It’s exhausting!
4. Your relationships suffer from trust issues.
The betrayal of trust experienced with a gaslighting parent can spill over into your adult relationships. As a result, you struggle to open up and let anyone in because you’re never sure that their intentions are actually genuine. As a result, you end up having a lot of surface-level relationships and missing out on true intimacy with friends and romantic partners.
5. You have a hard time setting boundaries.
Your boundaries were likely repeatedly violated and ignored if you grew up with a gaslighting parent, which means that as an adult, you might think there’s no point in setting them in the first place. Identifying and enforcing your own limits is a struggle, and people end up walking all over you and taking advantage of you as a result.
6. Your decision-making skills are compromised.
Because your parent constantly told you that you were doing things wrong, you probably lost confidence in your ability to make good decisions for yourself and your life. Now, as an adult, you often suffer from analysis paralysis and are afraid to pick the ‘wrong’ thing, which means you often don’t end up choosing anything at all.
7. You develop a fear of expressing your feelings.
Because your gaslighting parent invalidated your feelings on a regular basis, you assume that everyone will always do the same — tell you that you’re being “too sensitive,” that you’re irrational, and that how you feel as wrong. You figure it’s better not to express your feelings at all than to have them negated by people, and that can be overwhelming.
8. Your sense of reality becomes distorted.
Consistent gaslighting can warp your perception of reality. In extreme cases, you might end up questioning even the most obvious truths or find it hard to distinguish between fact and fiction. It can make you feel crazy when you’re definitely not.
9. You become overly apologetic.
Children of gaslighting parents often internalise a sense of guilt and responsibility for things beyond their control. As an adult, this manifests as a tendency to over-apologise, even for minor or non-existent offences. You often say sorry for expressing your opinions, taking up space, or simply existing. It’s just not right!
10. Your anxiety levels skyrocket.
The unpredictable and manipulative environment created by a gaslighting parent can lead to chronic anxiety. You might be in a constant state of worry, and that can even manifest physically in things like digestive issues, panic attacks, and insomnia. Being on high alert is bound to take its toll on you over time.
11. You struggle with perfectionism.
To avoid criticism growing up, you might have developed perfectionist tendencies. As an adult, this can translate into an unhealthy drive to be flawless in all aspects of life. You may set unrealistically high standards for yourself and experience intense self-criticism when you fall short. This can lead to burnout, which is a very serious issue!
12. Your ability to assert yourself diminishes.
Your opinions and needs were consistently dismissed or belittled growing up, which means as an adult, you struggle to assert yourself. Speaking up or advocating for your own needs feels intimidating and just not worth it, and that can leave you feeling powerless and frustrated.
13. You develop a people-pleasing habit.
To avoid conflict or earn approval from a gaslighting parent, you might have learned to prioritise everyone else’s needs over your own. As an adult, this can turn you into a total people pleaser, and you may end up doing things you don’t want to do or that aren’t good for you just to make other people happy. I don’t need to tell you why this is dangerous!
14. Your self-awareness becomes clouded.
Constant gaslighting can make it hard to develop a strong sense of self. You might struggle to identify your own likes, dislikes, values, and goals, and this lack of self-awareness can lead to feelings of emptiness or confusion about your identity.
15. You become hyper-independent.
The lack of trust and support from a gaslighting parent can lead to extreme self-reliance. While independence is generally positive, you might take it to unhealthy levels by being unable to ask for help or rely on anyone, even when you genuinely need support.
16. Your ability to handle criticism is compromised.
Handling feedback as an adult is overwhelming because you had so much criticism growing up. You might react defensively to even constructive criticism or become deeply upset by even minor critiques. Sadly, this sensitivity can hinder personal growth and professional development, as you struggle to separate helpful feedback from the traumatic experiences of your past.
17. You develop a fear of success.
Paradoxically, children of gaslighting parents might be afraid of good things happening in their lives. You probably have an ingrained belief that you don’t deserve good things, or that being successful means you’ll be criticised more. As a result, you might self-sabotage or avoid setting goals, which is a real shame. You deserve the best!
