Forgiveness is a deeply personal thing that means different things to different people, and it’s even more complicated when dealing with family relationships.
If you had a troubled or even toxic relationship with your parents, forgiving them for the things they’ve done wrong doesn’t mean you have to automatically welcome them back into your life with open arms. It may be better to let the past go and to move on altogether. Here’s why you shouldn’t beat yourself up if you’ve forgiven but can never quite forget enough to get back in touch.
1. Forgiveness is about your healing, not theirs.
When you forgive your parents, you’re doing it for your own peace of mind. It’s about letting go of the anger and resentment that might be weighing you down. This process is entirely internal and doesn’t require any interaction with them. You can forgive them in your heart without ever telling them or rekindling a relationship.
2. Your boundaries are still valid and important.
Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending the hurt never happened. If you’ve set boundaries with your parents for your own well-being, those boundaries are still valid even after forgiveness. Maintaining distance might be crucial for your mental health and personal growth, regardless of whether you’ve forgiven them or not.
3. People don’t always change, even if you’ve forgiven them.
Just because you’ve worked through your feelings and reached a place of forgiveness doesn’t mean your parents have changed their behaviour. If the issues that led to the estrangement are still present, reconnecting might only lead to more hurt. Forgiveness doesn’t obligate you to put yourself in harmful situations again.
4. Your current life and relationships deserve protection.
You’ve likely built a life for yourself that brings you peace and happiness. Reconnecting with parents who have caused harm in the past might disrupt this balance. It’s okay to prioritise the stability and joy you’ve created for yourself over rekindling a potentially volatile relationship.
5. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the need for accountability.
While you might have forgiven your parents, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions. If they haven’t acknowledged the hurt they’ve caused or made genuine efforts to change, reconnecting might send the message that their behaviour was acceptable.
6. Your emotional energy is a limited resource.
Maintaining relationships, especially complicated ones, requires emotional energy. Even if you’ve forgiven your parents, you might not have the emotional bandwidth to invest in rebuilding a relationship with them. It’s okay to save your energy for the relationships that nourish and support you.
7. Forgiveness can coexist with grief for what could have been.
You can forgive your parents while still mourning the relationship you wish you had. This grief might make reconnecting too painful, even if you’ve let go of anger or resentment. It’s valid to honour your feelings of loss without forcing a reconnection.
8. Your personal growth might be better served by distance.
Sometimes, the space created by estrangement allows for significant personal growth and self-discovery. Even after forgiving, you might realise that maintaining this distance is crucial for continuing your personal development and maintaining your sense of self.
9. Forgiveness doesn’t mean trust has been rebuilt.
While you might have forgiven past actions, trust is a separate issue. If trust has been severely damaged, it might not be possible or healthy to reconnect. Forgiveness can exist without the restoration of trust, and that’s okay.
10. Your definition of family might have evolved.
Through your experiences, you might have redefined what family means to you. Perhaps you’ve built a chosen family that fulfils your needs for love and support. Forgiving your parents doesn’t mean you have to revert to traditional family structures if they no longer serve you.
11. Reconnecting might reopen old wounds.
Even with forgiveness, reconnecting with parents can sometimes trigger old traumas or unhealthy patterns. If you feel that reconnecting might undo the healing you’ve achieved, it’s perfectly valid to maintain your distance.
12. Your mental health and well-being come first.
Ultimately, your mental health should be your top priority. If the thought of reconnecting causes anxiety, stress, or other negative emotions, it’s important to honour those feelings. Forgiveness doesn’t require you to sacrifice your mental well-being.
13. Forgiveness can be a silent, personal act.
You don’t need to inform your parents that you’ve forgiven them. Forgiveness can be a quiet, personal journey that you undertake for your own peace. It doesn’t necessitate a conversation or reunion with them.
14. Your life experiences have shaped your needs.
The experiences that led to estrangement, and the life you’ve lived since then, have shaped your needs and values. Even if you’ve forgiven your parents, your current needs might not align with having them in your life. It’s okay to prioritise the life you’ve built.
15. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past.
While forgiveness can help you move forward, it doesn’t change what happened in the past. If the history between you and your parents is too painful or complex, maintaining distance might be the healthiest choice, even after forgiveness.
16. You’re allowed to forgive at your own pace.
Forgiveness is a process, not a switch you flip. You might be on a journey of forgiveness, but not feel ready for reconnection. That’s perfectly fine. You’re allowed to take as much time as you need and stop at any point that feels right for you.
17. Your autonomy in decision-making is crucial.
Ultimately, the decision to reconnect or not is yours alone. Societal pressure, family expectations, or even your own guilt shouldn’t force you into a reunion you’re not comfortable with. Forgiving your parents can be a powerful act of self-love, and so can choosing to maintain your distance.
