If your adult children have all but cut you out of their lives, it makes sense to feel confused and absolutely devastated.
Maybe you know you weren’t the perfect parent, but you love your kid(s) and want a strong relationship with them. You should absolutely try to bridge the gap that’s emerged between you by reaching out, but when you do contact them, make sure these phrases aren’t part of the conversation if you want it to go well. Otherwise, you could just end up pushing them further away.
1. “After everything I’ve done for you…”
An old-fashioned guilt trip might feel justified in the moment, but it’s like trying to open a door with a sledgehammer – you’ll only cause more damage. Parenting isn’t a transaction where you’re collecting emotional IOUs. Instead of tallying up past sacrifices, try opening with curiosity about their present life. Remember, rebuilding trust starts with showing interest in who they are now, not reminding them of what you did then. A simple “I’d love to hear what’s new in your life” opens more doors than any list of past sacrifices.
2. “You’re being too sensitive.”
Nothing dismisses someone’s feelings quite like telling them they’re feeling too much. It’s like telling someone they’re using too much oxygen while breathing – not exactly helpful for the situation. Your adult child’s feelings are their reality, whether you understand them or not. Rather than judging the intensity of their emotions, try acknowledging that their feelings are valid, even if they differ from yours. Opening with “I want to understand your perspective better” shows you’re ready to listen rather than dismiss.
3. “Why can’t we just move on?”
Ah, the fast-forward button of reconciliation – except it doesn’t actually exist. Healing takes time, and trying to rush it is like expecting a broken bone to heal because you’re tired of wearing the cast. The path forward often requires walking through the past first. Instead of pushing for a quick resolution, show that you’re willing to sit with the discomfort and do the work. Something like “I’m here when you’re ready to talk” gives them the space to move at their own pace.
4. “I was just trying my best.”
While this might be true, using it as a blanket defence can feel like putting a plaster on a broken arm. Your best intentions don’t automatically erase the impact of past actions. Instead of defending past choices, try acknowledging both your intentions and their effects: “I see now that my actions, despite my intentions, caused you pain.” This shows you understand that impact matters more than intent when it comes to healing relationships.
5. “Your siblings turned out fine.”
Comparing siblings is like comparing apples to space shuttles – they might both exist, but that’s where the similarities end. Each child’s experience in a family is unique, shaped by different circumstances and perspectives. Instead of using siblings as a measuring stick, focus on understanding your child’s individual experience. Their feelings are valid, regardless of how their siblings processed similar situations.
6. “I don’t remember it that way.”
Memory isn’t a security camera footage – it’s more like different people watching the same movie and coming away with different interpretations. Instead of challenging their recollection, try understanding why that memory left such a lasting impact. Saying something like “Help me understand how that experience affected you” opens up dialogue rather than creating a debate about whose memory is more accurate.
7. “You’ll understand when you have kids.”
This dismissive crystal ball gazing assumes their feelings will magically change with parenthood. It’s also particularly painful if they’re choosing not to have children or struggling with fertility. Focus instead on understanding their perspective now, not on some hypothetical future scenario. Their feelings are valid regardless of their parental status, past, present, or future.
8. “I’m still your parent.”
While technically true, wielding this fact like a sceptre of authority probably won’t win any reconciliation points. Adult relationships, even parent-child ones, thrive on mutual respect rather than hierarchy. Try approaching the relationship as it is now – between two adults who share a history but need to build a new future. Focus on earning respect rather than demanding it.
9. “You never reached out either.”
Playing the blame game is like trying to bail out a boat with a fork – it’s ineffective and misses the point entirely. Instead of keeping score of who didn’t call whom, focus on the present opportunity to rebuild connection. Something like “I know I could have handled things differently” takes ownership of your part without putting pressure on them.
10. “Your spouse/partner is turning you against me.”
Blaming their chosen partner for the distance is like blaming the weatherman for the rain – it misses the root cause and alienates everyone involved. Your adult child makes their own decisions, and questioning their autonomy or judgment only pushes them further away. Instead, show respect for their choices and the people they’ve chosen to share their life with.
11. “I’ve changed, I promise.”
Change isn’t a declaration – it’s a demonstration that happens over time. Instead of making promises, show through consistent actions that you’re working on yourself. Let them discover the changes in you naturally, through interaction and observation. Remember, trust is rebuilt through consistent actions, not grand declarations.
12. “What about my feelings?”
While your feelings matter too, leading with this during reconciliation is like complaining about your umbrella while someone else is standing in the rain. There will be time to address your feelings, but the initial focus should be on understanding their perspective. First, show that you’re ready to listen and understand before asking for the same in return.
13. “At least I didn’t…”
Comparing your parenting to worse scenarios is like bragging about not crashing while parking – it’s setting the bar pretty low. Instead of defending yourself with “could have been worse” scenarios, focus on acknowledging what actually happened and its impact. The goal is healing, not winning a “not the worst parent” award.
14. “I forgive you for cutting me off.”
Offering unrequested forgiveness for their boundaries is like throwing salt on a paper cut – unnecessarily painful and completely unhelpful. They set boundaries for a reason, and dismissing those reasons won’t help rebuild trust. Instead, respect their choices and show you understand why those boundaries were necessary, even if they were painful for you.
15. “Life is too short for this.”
While this sentiment about life’s brevity might be true, using it as pressure to reconcile is manipulative. Healing has its own timeline, and rushing it rarely works. Instead of using time as leverage, show that you’re willing to use whatever time is necessary to rebuild the relationship properly. Quality reconciliation matters more than quick reconciliation.
16. “Your kids need their grandparents.”
Using grandchildren as emotional leverage is like trying to enter a house through the chimney when the door is locked – it’s messy and likely to cause more problems. Your adult child’s parenting choices, including who has access to their children, are their right to make. Focus instead on rebuilding trust with them first, without bringing their children into the equation.
17. “I’m getting older, you know.”
Playing the mortality card might seem like a shortcut to reconciliation, but it’s more likely to add pressure than promote healing. Age and health concerns are valid, but they shouldn’t be wielded as tools for emotional manipulation. Instead of using time as pressure, focus on making whatever time you have meaningful through genuine effort to understand and change. True connection can’t be rushed by a ticking clock.
