As parents, we strive to provide our children with the best possible upbringing, filled with love, support, and guidance.
But sometimes, our actions or words, even with good intentions, can create unexpected resentment in our adult children. It’s a delicate balance between being involved and overbearing, supportive and controlling. Here are some things that might inadvertently trigger resentment in your adult children — beware!
1. You constantly criticise their choices.
Remember when your toddler insisted on wearing mismatched socks? Well, your adult children might feel the same way about their life choices. Constant criticism about their career, relationships, or lifestyle choices can make them feel like you don’t trust their judgment or respect their autonomy. While you might have their best interests at heart, try to offer support and guidance without judgment. Let them make their own mistakes and learn from them.
2. You compare them to their siblings or peers.
Everyone has their own unique strengths and weaknesses. Comparing your adult children to their siblings or peers can be incredibly hurtful and demotivating. It can make them feel like they’re constantly falling short of your expectations and that they’ll never be good enough. Instead, celebrate their individual achievements and encourage them to pursue their own path, regardless of how it compares to anyone else’s.
3. You give advice they never asked for (and don’t want).
As a parent, it’s natural to want to share your wisdom and experience with your children. But offering unsolicited advice can be seen as intrusive and disrespectful. It can make your adult children feel like you don’t trust their ability to make their own decisions or solve their own problems. Instead, wait for them to ask for your advice, and when they do, offer it in a supportive and non-judgmental way.
4. You try to control their lives.
Your adult children are no longer children; they’re independent adults with their own lives to lead. Trying to control their decisions, relationships, or career paths can create resentment and strain your relationship. Offer guidance and support, but let them make their own choices and learn from their own experiences. Respect their autonomy and trust that they’ll make the best decisions for themselves.
5. You don’t respect their privacy.
Just because you’re their parent doesn’t mean you’re entitled to know every detail of their lives. Snooping through their belongings, reading their emails, or interrogating them about their personal affairs is a major invasion of privacy. It can damage trust and create a sense of resentment. Respect their boundaries and allow them to share information on their own terms.
6. You make them feel guilty for not spending enough time with you.
Adult children have busy lives, juggling work, relationships, and personal pursuits. While spending time with family is important, guilt-tripping them for not prioritising you over everything else can backfire. It can make them feel resentful and obligated, rather than genuinely wanting to spend time with you. Instead, express your desire to see them without making them feel guilty, and be flexible with your schedule to accommodate their busy lives.
7. You expect them to take care of you.
While it’s natural to lean on your children for support as you age, expecting them to prioritise your needs over their own can create resentment. It’s important to maintain your independence as much as possible, make your own arrangements for care and assistance, and not burden your children with excessive responsibilities. Show them that you value their time and energy, and that you respect their autonomy.
8. You don’t apologise for your mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes, including parents. But refusing to acknowledge your mistakes or apologise for your hurtful actions can damage your relationship with your adult children. It can make them feel unheard, disrespected, and like their feelings don’t matter. Admitting your mistakes, taking responsibility, and apologising sincerely can go a long way in healing wounds and rebuilding trust.
9. You constantly brag about your other children.
While you might be proud of all your children’s accomplishments, constantly highlighting one child’s successes in front of another can create feelings of inadequacy and resentment. It can make them feel like they’re not good enough and that they’re always in competition with their siblings. Instead, celebrate each child’s unique achievements individually and avoid making comparisons.
10. You offer financial help with strings attached.
Helping your adult children financially can be a generous gesture, but attaching strings to your support can backfire. It can make them feel like they’re not truly independent and that they have to conform to your expectations in order to receive your help. Offer financial assistance freely, without conditions or expectations, and trust that they’ll use it wisely.
11. You dismiss their feelings or experiences.
Invalidating your adult children’s feelings or experiences can be incredibly hurtful. It can make them feel like their emotions are not valid or important, and that they can’t come to you for support or understanding. Instead, listen to them with empathy and validate their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective. Let them know that you’re there for them, no matter what.
12. You bring up past mistakes or failures.
Everyone makes mistakes, but dwelling on the past can be damaging to any relationship. Bringing up your adult children’s past failures or mistakes can make them feel ashamed, embarrassed, and like they’ll never be able to move past their past. Focus on the present and the future, and offer support and encouragement as they work towards their goals.
13. You don’t respect their partners or friends.
Your adult children’s partners and friends are an important part of their lives. Criticising or disrespecting them can create tension and strain in your relationship with your children. Even if you don’t particularly like their choices, try to be respectful and accepting. Remember, your children are adults, and they have the right to choose who they surround themselves with.
14. You’re overly critical of their parenting style.
If your adult children have children of their own, it’s important to respect their parenting choices, even if they differ from your own. Offering unsolicited advice or criticising their parenting style can create conflict and resentment. Instead, offer support and encouragement, and be a positive influence in their children’s lives without overstepping your boundaries.
15. You try to live vicariously through them.
Your adult children have their own dreams and aspirations. Trying to live vicariously through them by pushing them towards a certain career path or lifestyle can be stifling and frustrating. Encourage them to pursue their passions, even if they don’t align with your own expectations. Celebrate their successes and support them through their challenges.
16. You constantly remind them of your sacrifices.
Source: Unsplash While you might have made sacrifices for your children, constantly reminding them of it can create guilt and resentment. It can make them feel like they owe you something in return, and it can hinder their ability to enjoy their own successes. Express your love and support without making them feel indebted to you.
17. You don’t respect their independence.
Your adult children are capable and independent individuals. Treating them like children, making decisions for them, or not trusting their judgment can be incredibly frustrating and disrespectful. Give them the space to make their own choices, learn from their own mistakes, and live their own lives. Your trust and respect will strengthen your bond and create a more fulfilling relationship for both of you.
