While it’d be nice to think being in a relationship means your partner will only ever have eyes for you, that’s not always the case.
Whether because they’re legitimately playing fast and loose with the concept of fidelity or they just appreciate nice looking people, dealing with a partner who’s a little too appreciative of people who aren’t you can be frustrating, depressing, and kinda scary. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should lose your cool over what’s potentially a non-situation. Instead, here’s how to handle the situation (and potentially salvage your relationship).
1. Take a moment to figure out what’s really going on.
Before reacting impulsively, take a step back and assess the situation. Was it a quick, harmless glance, or a prolonged, obvious stare? Did it seem intentional, or was it just a fleeting distraction? Understanding the context can help you gauge the severity of the situation and decide how to best address it.
2. Choose the right time and place to talk.
Don’t ambush your partner with accusations or confront them in public. That’s never going to work out very well. Choose a calm and private setting where you can both speak openly and honestly. Wait until you’re both calm and collected before initiating the conversation. This will create a safe space for a frank conversation and avoid escalating the situation into a full-blown argument.
3. Start by expressing your feelings.
Avoid accusatory language or jumping to conclusions. Instead, focus on how their behaviour made you feel. Explain that it made you feel insecure, disrespected, or uncomfortable. Use “I” statements to express your emotions without blaming them. This approach invites a more open and honest conversation, rather than putting them on the defensive.
4. Listen to their perspective.
Be open to hearing their side of the story. They might have a perfectly innocent explanation for their wandering eyes, or they might not even realise they were doing it. Listen without judgment and try to understand their perspective. This can help you gain valuable insights and work towards a solution together.
5. Discuss your expectations and boundaries.
Explain what you consider to be acceptable and unacceptable when it comes to looking at other people. Set clear boundaries about what makes you feel comfortable and respected in the relationship. Remember, everyone has different comfort levels, so it’s important to communicate your needs and expectations clearly and respectfully.
6. Focus on strengthening your own relationship.
Sometimes, a wandering eye can be a symptom of underlying issues in the relationship. Instead of focusing solely on what they’re doing, have a look at your own relationship and see if there are areas that need improvement. Do you both feel loved, appreciated, and connected? Are you fulfilling each other’s needs? By focusing on strengthening your bond, you can create a more secure and satisfying relationship that leaves less room for wandering eyes.
7. Don’t jump to conclusions or make assumptions.
It’s easy to let your imagination run wild when you catch your partner checking someone else out. But avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. There could be a perfectly innocent explanation for their behaviour. Talk to them calmly and openly before making any judgments or accusations.
8. Avoid getting into a tit-for-tat situation.
Trying to “get back” at your partner by flirting with other people or checking them out in return will only escalate the situation and create more hurt and resentment. Instead, focus on addressing the underlying issue and finding a solution that works for both of you. Remember, two wrongs don’t make a right.
9. Set clear boundaries with your partner.
Let them know what behaviours are unacceptable to you and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are crossed. This might involve asking them to be more discreet when checking out other people, or to avoid certain situations that trigger your insecurities. Setting clear boundaries can help create a sense of safety and security in the relationship.
10. Focus on building your own self-confidence.
If your partner’s wandering eyes are making you feel insecure, it might be helpful to work on building your own self-confidence. This could involve focusing on your own achievements, strengths, and positive qualities. Remember, your worth isn’t determined by your partner’s attention or anyone else’s opinions. You are valuable and deserving of love and respect, regardless of what anyone else does.
11. Consider whether this is a recurring pattern or an isolated incident.
If your partner’s wandering eye is a one-time occurrence, it might not be a big deal. However, if it’s a recurring pattern of behaviour, it could be a sign of deeper issues, such as boredom, insecurity, or even infidelity. If you’re concerned about what they’re doing, you really do need to address it directly and have an honest conversation about your feelings and expectations.
12. Don’t let it become a power struggle.
Trying to control how your partner acts or resorting to jealousy and accusations will only worsen the situation. Instead, focus on communicating your needs and concerns in a calm and respectful manner. If they’re truly committed to the relationship, they’ll be willing to work with you to find a solution that makes you both feel comfortable and secure.
13. Remember that attraction is natural.
It’s natural to find other people attractive, even when you’re in a committed relationship. It doesn’t mean your partner loves you any less or is planning to leave you. However, there’s a difference between appreciating someone’s beauty and openly ogling them. A mature and respectful partner will be mindful of your feelings and avoid doing things that make you feel uncomfortable or insecure.
14. Try to see it from their perspective.
Before jumping to conclusions, try to understand why your partner might be checking out other people. Are they really just appreciating someone’s appearance, or are they feeling neglected or unappreciated in the relationship? Open communication is key to understanding their perspective and finding a solution that works for both of you.
15. Consider couples therapy or counselling.
Source: Unsplash If you’re struggling to resolve the issue on your own, seeking professional help can be a valuable option. A therapist can provide a neutral space for you and your partner to communicate openly and honestly, address underlying issues, and develop strategies for building a stronger, more trusting relationship.
16. Ultimately, trust your gut instincts.
If your partner’s wandering eyes are causing you significant distress or making you question your relationship, it’s important to trust your gut instincts. You know your partner best, and you’re the best judge of whether their behaviour is a dealbreaker or something you can work through together. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and secure.
17. Remember, it’s not your fault.
If your partner is checking out other people, it’s not a reflection of your worth or attractiveness. It’s their issue to deal with, not yours. Don’t blame yourself or try to change who you are to prevent them from looking elsewhere. Focus on building your own self-esteem and surrounding yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are.
