Possibly the worst part about having toxic parents is their inability to own up to their behaviour.
They leave you with some serious emotional and mental baggage, and they’re either totally oblivious or in denial about the damage they’ve inflicted on you. Here are some excuses they tend to make for their actions.
1. “I’m doing this for your own good.”
This classic line is often used to justify controlling behaviour, harsh discipline, or emotional manipulation. It implies that the parent’s actions, no matter how hurtful or damaging, are motivated by love and a desire to protect or prepare their child for the real world. However, this excuse often masks a parent’s own insecurities, unresolved issues, or need for control.
2. “You’re too sensitive.”
Toxic parents often dismiss their children’s feelings, especially when those feelings are a direct response to the parent’s own behaviour. They might label their child as “too sensitive” or “overly emotional” to invalidate their experiences and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. This can leave children feeling unheard, misunderstood, and questioning their own sanity.
3. “I had a difficult childhood too.”
While it’s true that many toxic parents have experienced their own trauma or difficult upbringings, this doesn’t excuse their harmful behaviour towards their children. Using their own past experiences as justification for their actions perpetuates a cycle of dysfunction and prevents them from taking responsibility for their own choices.
4. “You’ll understand when you have kids of your own.”
This dismissive phrase is often used to shut down any questioning or criticism of a parent’s behaviour. It implies that parenting is inherently difficult and that children can’t possibly understand the challenges until they become parents themselves. However, this excuse ignores the fact that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to parent, and it doesn’t justify harmful or abusive behaviour.
5. “I’m your parent, and you should respect me, no matter what.”
Toxic parents often demand unquestioning obedience and respect, regardless of their own behaviour. They might use their authority to control, manipulate, or intimidate their children. However, respect is earned, not demanded, and children shouldn’t be expected to tolerate abusive or disrespectful behaviour from their parents.
6. “You’re just being ungrateful.”
This guilt-tripping tactic is often used to silence any expression of dissatisfaction or unhappiness from a child. It implies that the child should be grateful for whatever they have, regardless of the emotional or psychological cost. This can leave children feeling invalidated and hesitant to express their true feelings.
7. “I’m only trying to help you.”
This phrase is often used to justify unsolicited advice, criticism, or interference in a child’s life. While well-intentioned, this “help” can often feel controlling, intrusive, or undermining of the child’s autonomy. It’s important for parents to respect their children’s boundaries and offer support without imposing their own agendas.
8. “You’re making this up / exaggerating.”
Toxic parents might deny or minimise their children’s experiences, especially when those experiences involve the parent’s own behaviour. They might accuse their child of lying, exaggerating, or being overly dramatic to avoid accountability and maintain control over the narrative.
9. “It’s your fault.”
Toxic parents often shift blame onto their children, making them feel responsible for the parent’s own negative emotions or actions. They might say things like, “You made me angry,” or “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have yelled at you.” This can create a sense of guilt and shame in children, leading them to believe they’re inherently bad or flawed.
10. “I’m only joking.”
Humour can be a powerful tool for connection and bonding, but toxic parents often use it as a weapon. They might make hurtful or demeaning jokes at their children’s expense, then dismiss their reactions by saying, “I’m only joking.” This can leave children feeling confused, hurt, and unsure whether to trust their own feelings.
11. “You’re just like your (insert negative comparison).”
Comparing a child to someone else, especially in a negative light, can be incredibly damaging to their self-esteem. It implies that they’re not good enough as they are and sets them up for a lifetime of comparison and self-doubt.
12. “I never said/did that.”
Gaslighting is a common tactic used by toxic parents to manipulate and control their children. They might deny or distort reality, making their children question their own memories and perceptions. This can leave children feeling confused, isolated, and doubting their own sanity.
13. “You’re being too dramatic.”
Toxic parents often minimise or invalidate their children’s emotions, especially when those emotions are inconvenient or challenging for the parent. They might tell their child to “calm down,” “stop being so sensitive,” or “get over it.” This can leave children feeling unheard, misunderstood, and hesitant to express their true feelings.
14. “I’m the parent, I know what’s best for you.”
While parents generally have their children’s best interests at heart, toxic parents often use this phrase to justify controlling or manipulative behaviour. They might dismiss their children’s opinions, choices, or desires, insisting that they know what’s best, regardless of the child’s own feelings or needs.
15. “You’re lucky I even put up with you.”
This hurtful statement implies that the child is a burden or an inconvenience, and that the parent is doing them a favour by tolerating their presence. It can create a sense of worthlessness and insecurity in children, leading them to believe they’re not deserving of love or acceptance.
16. “If you loved me, you would…”
Toxic parents often use guilt and emotional blackmail to control their children. They might say things like, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t argue with me,” or “If you cared about me, you would do what I say.” This can create a sense of obligation and guilt in children, making it difficult for them to set boundaries or take care of themselves very well.
17. “You’ll thank me one day.”
This dismissive phrase is often used to justify harsh discipline or strict rules. It implies that the parent’s actions, no matter how unpleasant or restrictive, are ultimately for the child’s own good and that they’ll eventually appreciate it. However, this excuse ignores the emotional and psychological impact of such parenting styles and can leave lasting scars on a child’s self-esteem.
18. “I’m doing the best I can.”
While all parents make mistakes, toxic parents often use this excuse to avoid taking responsibility for their harmful behaviour. It implies that they’re doing the best they can, given their own limitations or circumstances, and that their children should simply accept their parenting style, regardless of its negative impact. However, this excuse ignores the fact that there are resources and support available to help parents improve their parenting skills and create a healthier environment for their children.
