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Getty Images/iStockphotoWe’ve all found ourselves stuck in a conversation that feels like a black hole for energy.
It starts out okay, then… it just kind of goes downhill, leaving a heavy, awkward silence. The culprit is often that someone has said one of these seemingly harmless phrases that sneak into our conversations — and inevitably suck the life out of them.
1. “I told you so.”
Source: Unsplash Picture this: someone shares a mistake they made, and you swoop in with this classic. Sure, it might feel satisfying for a second, but it’s a major downer. It doesn’t offer help or support, just a reminder that they messed up. A simple “It happens to the best of us” or a gentle suggestion for the future is a far better approach.
2. “You always…” or “You never…”
These absolute statements are rarely true, and they come across as accusatory. They put the other person on the defensive and shut down any chance for a productive conversation. Instead of generalising, try focusing on specific instances that concern you. For example, instead of “You always forget my birthday,” try “I was disappointed when you forgot my birthday this year.”
3. “It’s not that bad.”
Source: Unsplash When someone’s sharing their feelings or struggles, this phrase is like a slap in the face. It minimises their experience and invalidates their emotions. Instead, try to validate their feelings and offer support. You could say something like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you if you want to talk.”
4. “This reminds me of the time when I…”
We all love sharing stories, but there’s a time and a place. When someone’s in the middle of their own story, interrupting with yours is a guaranteed way to derail the conversation. It can also make the other person feel like you’re not really listening to them. Wait for a natural pause to share your own experiences.
5. “You should…”
Unsolicited advice is rarely welcome. It can come across as judgmental and condescending. Unless someone specifically asks for your advice, try to resist the urge to give it. Instead, offer your support and let them know you’re there for them if they need anything.
6. “I’m so stressed/tired/busy.”
We all have tough days, but constantly complaining about them can drain the energy from a conversation. It also puts the focus on you, rather than on the other person. If you’re genuinely struggling, share your feelings in a way that doesn’t bring everyone else down. For example, instead of “I’m so stressed,” try “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll get through it.”
7. “I don’t have time for this.”
Source: Unsplash This phrase is dismissive and rude. It signals to the other person that you don’t value their time or their conversation. If you genuinely don’t have time, be honest and polite. You could say something like, “I’m in the middle of something right now, but I’d love to chat later if that’s okay.”
8. “Why can’t you be more like…”
Source: Unsplash Comparing someone to another person is never a good idea. It sets up unrealistic expectations and can damage the other person’s self-esteem. Instead of comparing, focus on the individual’s strengths and offer encouragement.
9. “That’s not how I would do it.”
Source: Unsplash Sharing your own approach or perspective can be helpful, but this phrase comes off as critical and judgmental. It implies that your way is the only “right” way, which can stifle creativity and discourage people from sharing their ideas. Instead, try saying something like, “That’s an interesting approach! I would have done it this way, but I’m curious to see how yours turns out.”
10. “Well, actually…”
Source: Unsplash While correcting factual inaccuracies is important, this phrase is often used to nitpick or show off one’s knowledge. It can quickly turn a casual chat into a lecture, leaving people feeling deflated or annoyed. Instead of jumping in with a correction, consider the context and whether it’s truly necessary to point out the mistake. If it is, do so politely and constructively.
11. “I’m not interested.”
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, we genuinely aren’t interested in a topic, and that’s okay. However, bluntly stating it can be hurtful and dismissive. Instead, try redirecting the conversation or politely excusing yourself. You could say, “That’s interesting, but I’m not really familiar with that topic. Maybe we could talk about something else?” or “I’m going to grab another drink. I’ll catch up with you later!”
12. “Let me tell you about my problems…”
Source: Unsplash Venting can be cathartic, but dominating the conversation with your own troubles can be draining for other people. It’s important to find a balance between sharing your struggles and actively listening to people. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider talking to a therapist or trusted friend instead of unloading on everyone you meet.
13. “Whatever.”
Source: Unsplash This single word can convey a multitude of negative emotions: apathy, disinterest, boredom, annoyance. It’s a conversation killer that shuts down any further dialogue. Instead of using this dismissive phrase, try expressing your feelings in a more constructive way. For example, instead of saying “Whatever,” you could say, “I’m not sure I understand your point. Could you explain it further?”
14. “Calm down.”
Source: Unsplash Telling someone to “calm down” when they’re already upset is like pouring petrol on a fire. It invalidates their feelings and can escalate the situation. Instead, try to empathise with their emotions and offer support. You could say something like, “I can see you’re upset. Is there anything I can do to help?”
15. “You’re overreacting.”
Source: Unsplash Similar to “Calm down,” this phrase dismisses the other person’s emotions and makes them feel like they’re not being taken seriously. It’s important to remember that everyone reacts differently to situations, and what might seem like an overreaction to you could be perfectly valid for them. Instead of judging their reaction, try to understand where it’s coming from and offer support.
16. “I’m just being honest.”
Source: Unsplash Honesty is important, but it’s not an excuse for being hurtful or insensitive. If your honesty is going to cause pain, it’s worth considering whether it’s truly necessary to share. Remember, there’s a difference between being honest and being brutal.
17. “I’m not sure why you’re so upset.”
Source: Unsplash This phrase shows a lack of empathy and understanding. It puts the onus on the other person to explain their feelings, rather than trying to understand them from their perspective. Instead, try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would feel in their situation. You could say something like, “I’m sorry you’re upset. I’m trying to understand why this is so important to you.”
18. “Don’t take it personally.”
Source: Unsplash This phrase is often used when we’ve said or done something hurtful, but it doesn’t make the hurt go away. It’s important to take responsibility for our actions and apologise if we’ve caused pain. Instead of saying, “Don’t take it personally,” try saying something like, “I’m sorry if I offended you. That wasn’t my intention.”
