When you’ve invested a lot of time and energy into a relationship, walking away from it, even after it’s gone bad, is a lot easier said than done.
You don’t want to give up too soon or hurt the other person in any way, but sometimes breaking up is the best thing you can do both for yourself and your partner. If you’re struggling to gather the courage to end things, here are some tips that might help.
1. Be honest with yourself about why you want to end things.
Before you do anything else, take some time to really think about why you want to end the relationship. Are there specific issues that can’t be resolved? Have you grown apart? You need to understand your reasons if you want to be able to communicate them clearly to your partner.
2. Don’t drag it out once you’ve made your decision.
Once you’re sure you want to end things, don’t keep putting it off. Dragging it out will only make things harder for both of you. It’s not fair to your partner to stay in a relationship you’ve mentally checked out of, so try to have the conversation as soon as you can.
3. Choose the right time and place for the conversation.
Pick a time when you both have privacy and aren’t rushed. Don’t break up right before a big event or during a stressful time if possible. Choose a neutral location where you can talk without interruptions.
4. Be direct and clear about your intentions.
When you have the conversation, be straightforward. Don’t beat around the bush or leave room for misinterpretation. Use clear language like “I want to end our relationship” rather than vague phrases that might give false hope that you can work things out. You’ve gone too far for that.
5. Explain your reasons, but don’t blame them.
Share your reasons for ending the relationship, but try to do so without attacking your partner. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, rather than “You” statements that might come across as accusatory. There’s no point in making them feel even worse about the situation.
6. Listen to your partner’s response.
Give your partner a chance to respond and really listen to what they have to say. They might be shocked, hurt, or angry, and it’s important to let them express their feelings. Try to remain calm and empathetic, even if the conversation gets emotional.
7. Be prepared for different reactions.
Your partner might react in various ways — they might get angry, cry, try to change your mind, or even agree with you. Be prepared for different scenarios and think about how you’ll respond to each one.
8. Stand firm in your decision.
If you’re sure about ending the relationship, don’t let yourself be swayed by promises to change or pleas for another chance. It’s okay to be compassionate, but stick to your decision if that’s what you truly want.
9. Come to an agreement about the practical things.
If you live together or share ownership of things like cars or houses, discuss how you’ll handle these practical matters. Decide who will move out, how you’ll divide shared items, and how to handle any financial ties. Try to keep these discussions as calm and fair as possible.
10. Set boundaries for after the breakup.
Discuss how much contact you’ll have after the breakup. Will you try to stay friends? Do you need a period of no contact to heal? Setting clear boundaries can help prevent confusion and hurt feelings later on. (And just a note: No contact is absolutely the way to go, at least for a while, no matter how much you want to be friends now.)
11. Take care of yourself emotionally.
Breaking up can be emotionally draining, even if you’re the one initiating it. Make sure to take care of yourself. Spend time with friends, do things you enjoy and that make you happy, and don’t be afraid to feel your emotions.
12. Don’t bad-mouth your ex to mutual friends.
It might be tempting to vent to mutual friends about your ex, but try to resist this urge. It can make things awkward for your friends and might come back to bite you. If you need to talk, confide in friends who aren’t connected to your ex.
13. Remove reminders of the relationship.
Take down photos, return belongings, and remove other reminders of the relationship from your daily life. This doesn’t mean you have to erase all memory of the relationship, but having constant reminders around can make it harder to move on.
14. Give yourself time to grieve.
Even if you’re the one ending the relationship, it’s normal to feel sad, so allow yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship. It’s okay to cry, feel angry, or experience a range of conflicting emotions. Healing takes time.
15. Resist the urge to check up on your ex.
It can be tempting to keep tabs on your ex through social media or mutual friends, but this can hinder your healing process. Try to resist the urge to check up on them and focus on moving forward with your own life. They have friends and family members for that — it’s not your job.
16. Learn from the experience.
Take some time to reflect on the relationship and what you’ve learned from it. What worked? What didn’t? What do you want in future relationships? Use this knowledge to grow and make better choices in the future.
17. Don’t rush into a new relationship.
Give yourself time to heal and rediscover who you are as a single person before jumping into a new relationship. It’s okay to be single for a while and focus on yourself.
18. Remember that ending a bad relationship is an act of self-care.
It might not seem like it, but ending a relationship that’s not working is a brave act of self-care. It’s not selfish to prioritise your own happiness and well-being. You deserve to be in a relationship that brings out the best in you.
