20 Honest Ways To Tell Someone They've Let You Down

Admittedly, most of us aren’t great at expressing how we feel.

It’s not easy to tell someone that they’ve disappointed you, but at the same time, if you don’t communicate that, how will they ever know? Obviously, you’re not trying to belittle them or make them feel bad, but you do want to let them know that they’ve let you down so that, hopefully, they can make it up to you and do better in the future. Here’s how to get that message across.

1. “I value our relationship, which is why I need to be honest with you.”

Start by setting a tone of care and respect, making it clear that you’re bringing up the issue because the relationship matters to you. What you have to say is important and might not be pleasant for them, but your motivation for bringing it up is a good one.

2. “When you missed our lunch date yesterday, I felt really hurt and unimportant.”

This phrase uses the “when you… I feel…” structure to clearly link their action to your emotional response without sounding accusatory. It helps the other person understand the direct impact of their actions on your feelings. It’s one of the oldest communication tricks in the book, but for good reason — it’s effective.

3. “I understand you’ve been busy, but I’d appreciate a heads-up next time you can’t make it.”

You get that things come up and plans change, of course, but this makes it clear that they need to do their part in keeping you in the loop if that’s going to happen. Leaving you out to dry is not okay.

4. “I felt let down when you shared the secret I told you in confidence.”

If you clearly told the person something that they knew was meant to be kept private, but they blabbed about it anyway, you need to confront them on it. This makes it clear that you’re aware of their betrayal and don’t appreciate it. You’ll probably hesitate to tell them anything in the future because of it.

5. “I’m not sure if you realised, but your comment about my work really stung.”

It’s okay to give someone the benefit of the doubt while still expressing that they hurt your feelings. They might just think a bit harder about the way they’re saying things and phrase their criticism, however constructive, a bit differently next time.

6. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but I need to let you know how I feel.”

Again, you’re saying here that you know their behaviour or comments were well-intentioned, but that they upset you anyway. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’d do things differently next time, but they’ll at least be aware of how they affected you.

7. “Can we talk about what happened last night? I felt really unsupported.”

This is a great way to open up a conversation (rather than them just being lectured or talked at) while also letting them know right off the bat that you’re not happy with the way things went in your last interaction.

8. “I’ve noticed you’ve been cancelling our plans a lot lately. Is everything okay?”

This is a good way to express your concern while also giving them a chance to explain their behaviour. You’re frustrated, sure, but you’re also empathetic and will be less upset about the situation if there’s a good explanation for the way they’ve been acting.

9. “I felt really embarrassed when you criticised me in front of our friends.”

Sometimes you just have to give it to someone straight up. If they said something rude or inappropriate in front of your friends, let them know that you weren’t okay with it. You have boundaries, and they crossed one.

10. “I know you’re going through a tough time, but I need to tell you how your recent behaviour has affected me.”

Again, this is a great way to show empathy and understanding, while also making it clear that their personal troubles aren’t really an excuse for the way they’ve been treating you. You’re not trying to make them feel worse, but you also want them to be aware of how they’re going on.

11. “I felt really disappointed when you didn’t follow through on your promise.”

It really sucks when someone breaks a promise they made to you, especially if they’re known for not necessarily keeping their word. By saying this, you’re letting them know that you may not be able to rely on them moving forward if they can’t live up to their word.

12. “I value your opinion, but the way you expressed it earlier felt quite hurtful.”

This shows you respect their views while addressing the manner in which they were expressed. It separates the content of what they said from how they said it, which can be useful when you’re trying to resolve any drama between you.

13. “I understand you didn’t mean any harm, but I’d like to explain why your actions upset me.”

Again, you’re being nice here by giving them the benefit of the doubt. You’re also cushioning the blow a bit, knowing that assuming the best will likely make them less defensive and more open to hearing what you have to say.

14. “I feel like I can’t rely on you when you’re consistently late to our meetings.”

When someone lets you down repeatedly, it’s not enough to call them out — you need to make it clear that the more often they fail to hold up their end of a bargain, the less likely you are to consider them reliable and trustworthy.

15. “I appreciate you trying to help, but I felt undermined when you took over my project without asking.”

This is a great way of acknowledging their good intentions while explaining why their actions were problematic. It helps them understand that the impact of their behaviour can be negative even when their intentions are positive.

16. “I know you’re not a mind reader, so I want to tell you that I felt really unsupported during the meeting earlier.”

It’s good to take responsibility for communicating your feelings while clearly expressing your disappointment. By saying this, you’re showing that you recognise that clear communication is a two-way street, and you’re doing your part.

17. “I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. I know you’re not obligated to remember, but it meant a lot to me.”

Obviously, not everyone has to roll out the red carpet because you’re another year older. However, if a friend or forgets your birthday, it’s hurtful, and it’s more than okay to communicate that. Even a quick “Happy birthday!” text would have been better than radio silence.

18. “I’ve been feeling like our friendship is one-sided lately. Can we talk about finding a better balance?”

Sometimes things get off-balance in relationships, usually unintentionally. You’re not saying it’s their fault, but you are saying that you’ve noticed how wonky things have got, and you’d like to get closer to 50/50 if at all possible so that you both feel supported and happy.

19. “I felt really let down when you didn’t stand up for me in that situation. I could have used your support.”

This clearly communicates your disappointment while explaining what you needed from them. It helps them understand your expectations in similar situations going forward. Hopefully, they take it on board.

20. “I know you had good intentions, but I felt disrespected when you made that decision without consulting me.”

Again, you’re acknowledging that they meant well, but making it clear that their intention didn’t match the outcome, which was you feeling like rubbish. Moving forward, hopefully they’ll talk things out with you before going ahead and making decisions.