Love gets used as an excuse for a lot of things in life.
Obviously, many of them aren’t love at all—they’re control, insecurity, manipulation, or fear dressed up as something sweet. And when people start calling those things love, it makes it harder to spot what real connection actually looks like. No matter how much you like someone or how much potential you see in the relationship, never put up with these things from someone—and for goodness’ sake, don’t call them love because they’re the complete opposite.
1. Controlling who you talk to
If someone’s constantly monitoring who you text, hang out with, or follow online, that’s not about love—it’s about control. Love doesn’t come with a rulebook for who you’re allowed to be friends with. It’s not about shrinking your life to make someone else feel secure.
Healthy love allows space. It trusts. It knows that trying to micromanage someone else’s social life only breeds resentment. If they claim it’s “just because I love you,” it’s not love—it’s fear wearing a disguise.
2. Jealousy being passed off as passion
There’s a difference between caring and being possessive. Someone getting angry when you talk to other people, even in totally normal situations, isn’t romantic—it’s insecure. And saying, “It’s just because I care so much,” doesn’t make it better. Real love doesn’t leave you walking on eggshells. It feels steady, not explosive. Passion is great, but if it’s constantly tangled up with jealousy and drama, that’s nothing more than emotional chaos.
3. Constant criticism disguised as “helping you improve”
It might start small—comments on how you dress, what you eat, how you speak. Then it grows. Every choice you make seems to need their approval. And if you push back, they say they’re just trying to help you be your best self. Love doesn’t require constant fixing. If you feel like you’re always under review, it’s a performance rather than a partnership. Support should feel like a boost, not a spotlight on your flaws.
4. Needing to be needed
Sometimes people confuse dependency with love. They don’t feel valuable unless you’re struggling or broken in some way. If you start doing better, they get weird or distant—because suddenly, they don’t know their role anymore. Love isn’t about keeping someone in crisis so you can feel important. If someone only feels close to you when you’re down, that’s not love—it’s emotional control with a warm smile.
5. Giving gifts to make up for bad behaviour
If someone regularly messes up and then uses grand gestures to smooth things over, that’s not love, it’s damage control. A bunch of flowers or a fancy dinner doesn’t undo disrespect or cruelty. Real love takes responsibility. It doesn’t try to skip the apology stage and buy its way out of hard conversations. If it feels like every “I love you” comes with a gift bag, pay attention to what’s missing in between.
6. Saying “I’m only like this because I care so much”
When someone’s behaviour is hurtful, intense, or confusing, but they explain it away by saying it’s because they “love you so much,” that’s not affection—it’s a lack of emotional regulation. Love doesn’t hurt you just because it’s strong. You’re allowed to expect kindness, patience, and respect without someone constantly blaming their feelings for their bad behaviour.
7. Over-involvement in every aspect of your life
It’s nice when someone takes an interest, but there’s a line. If they want to be part of every decision you make, from how you spend your evenings to what you wear to work, it quickly stops feeling supportive and starts feeling suffocating. Love should breathe. It shouldn’t leave you feeling like you need permission just to be yourself. If they frame their need to be involved in everything as care, that’s not love. Instead, it’s control dressed up as closeness.
8. Making you feel guilty for needing space
Everyone needs time alone. But in some relationships, the moment you pull back to recharge, you’re made to feel like you’ve done something wrong. You’re cold, distant, ungrateful. Suddenly, your very normal need for space is turned into a problem. That’s not love. Love doesn’t panic the second you take a breather. It understands that space isn’t rejection—it’s just balance. And anyone who punishes you for needing that probably isn’t offering you real closeness to begin with.
9. Expecting you to drop everything for them
When someone demands constant attention and acts like your world should revolve around them, that’s not romantic—it’s entitlement. They might say it’s because they miss you or that they “just love being with you,” but it comes with pressure and guilt. Love makes room for two full lives. It’s not about sacrificing your plans, your peace, or your identity just to make someone else feel okay. If they only feel secure when everything’s about them, that’s not love. It’s neediness in disguise.
10. Using silence or withdrawal as punishment
If someone shuts down, gives you the cold shoulder, or stops talking to you when you don’t behave the way they want, that’s not love—it’s manipulation. It creates anxiety and confusion and makes you feel like affection is something you have to earn back. Love communicates, even when it’s uncomfortable. It doesn’t use silence as a weapon. If you feel like you’re constantly trying to “get back in their good books,” you’re not being loved. Sadly, you’re being managed.
11. Making you responsible for their emotions
If they’re in a bad mood, and somehow it’s always your fault, that’s not love. If they lash out, get overwhelmed, or spiral and expect you to fix it every time, you’re being treated like an emotional sponge, not a partner. Love means taking responsibility for your own feelings. It’s okay to lean on each other, but not to the point where one person becomes the emotional caretaker and the other gets to fall apart without consequence.
12. Acting possessive and calling it protection
“I just worry about you” starts sounding less sweet when it means you’re not allowed to do anything alone. If they’re constantly hovering, questioning, or showing up uninvited under the banner of concern, that’s not love—it’s control wrapped in care. Real love protects, yes, but not at the cost of your independence. It doesn’t make you feel watched. It trusts your judgement instead of treating you like something that might break if left alone too long.
13. Never taking “no” without a fight
In some relationships, saying no turns into a negotiation. You try to set a boundary, and instead of listening, they push, guilt-trip, or argue until you give in. And then they call it compromise or say it’s because they care too much. If someone respects you, they respect your boundaries. They don’t keep wearing you down until you agree. Love isn’t about convincing—it’s about understanding when to back off.
14. Saying “I’m nothing without you”
It sounds romantic in songs, but in real life, it’s heavy. When someone puts their entire emotional well-being on your shoulders, it creates pressure instead of connection. You’re not meant to be someone’s reason to live. Love means valuing each other, not losing yourself completely. You should be important to them, but not everything. If someone’s entire identity depends on keeping you close, it stops being love and starts feeling like emotional blackmail.
15. Never letting you be upset
Some people can’t handle when you’re angry, hurt, or distant, even if it’s totally justified. They make you feel bad for not being cheerful all the time, or they accuse you of being dramatic or overreacting when you express real emotions. Love makes space for the whole range of who you are, including the messy parts. It doesn’t require constant calm just to keep the peace. If you can’t be upset without being punished for it, that’s not love—it’s emotional policing.
16. Expecting you to guess what they need
There are people who think love should mean “you just know.” They get upset when you don’t read their mind, then blame you for missing the signs. It turns into a game where you’re always guessing, and always wrong. Love doesn’t need to be cryptic. If someone really cares, they talk. They don’t sulk and wait for you to figure it out. Real connection is built on honesty, not on puzzles with moving goalposts.
17. Saying hurtful things and blaming your reaction
“I was just being honest.” “You’re too sensitive.” If someone says things that hurt you and then blames you for feeling it, that’s not love—it’s gaslighting. Real honesty doesn’t tear you down. Love means caring how your words land, not just defending your right to say them. It’s not about walking on eggshells—it’s about not throwing eggs in the first place and expecting someone else to clean up the mess.
18. Relying on intensity instead of consistency
Big gestures, dramatic declarations, on-again-off-again chaos—it all feels exciting until it doesn’t. A lot of people confuse intensity for love, but the truth is, love isn’t meant to be a rollercoaster all the time. What actually matters is how someone shows up day to day. Real love might not look like fireworks—but it sticks around, pays attention, and makes you feel safe. If the only thing keeping you in it is the drama, it’s not love. It’s a habit you haven’t broken yet.
19. Ignoring your needs and calling you “too much”
When you ask for more connection, more effort, or more care, and they respond by acting like you’re being demanding—that’s not love. That’s someone who doesn’t want to give you what you deserve and wants you to feel guilty for asking. Love doesn’t dismiss your needs. It might not always get it right, but it tries. It listens. If you’re constantly being told you want too much, maybe the real issue is they’re offering too little.
20. Saying “this is just how I am” to avoid growth
If someone refuses to change hurtful behaviours and just shrugs it off with “I’ve always been like this,” it’s not love—it’s laziness. Growth isn’t about becoming perfect—it’s about caring enough to try. Love makes the effort. It doesn’t use personality as a shield against accountability. If you keep bending while they stay the same, eventually you’re going to snap, and love’s not meant to break you.
