Verbal abuse can be subtle, but it’s never okay.
A lot of (dysfunctional) couples talk to each other in ways that are unkind, dismissive, and even outright rude at times — you have to wonder why they’re even together. The truth is that there are certain things your partner should never say to you under any circumstances. If you hear any of these, they’re red flags of verbal abuse that you need to shut down ASAP.
1. “You’re too sensitive.”
This is a way of invalidating your feelings, making you question whether your emotional reactions are “normal.” It’s often used to deflect blame and make you feel like the problem. Your emotions are real, and a supportive partner should listen to and acknowledge them, not brush them off.
2. “You’re crazy.”
This is gaslighting, pure and simple. When someone tells you this, they’re trying to make you question your own reality. Everyone has moments of doubt, but being told you’re crazy regularly is an attempt to undermine your confidence and control your thoughts. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve respect, not manipulation.
3. “You’ll never find anyone better than me.”
This is a manipulative tactic designed to keep you in the relationship by destroying your self-esteem. It suggests you’re not worthy of love or respect from anyone else. A healthy partner wants you to feel good about yourself, not trapped. You absolutely can find someone who treats you with respect and kindness.
4. “You’re nothing without me.”
This is meant to make you feel dependent, as though your entire worth comes from the relationship. The truth? You’re a whole person, with or without a partner. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is trying to control and diminish you, and that’s a huge red flag.
5. “You always do this.”
Using absolutes like “always” or “never” is a form of verbal abuse. It exaggerates the situation and paints you as a constant problem. It’s rarely true and is often used to make you feel guilty or inadequate. A fair partner discusses specific issues without making sweeping generalisations about your character.
6. “You’re so stupid.”
Name-calling is never okay in a healthy relationship. Calling you stupid, or any other insulting name, is a direct attack on your intelligence and worth. It’s meant to make you feel small and incompetent. You deserve a partner who builds you up, not one who tears you down with hurtful labels.
7. “It’s your fault I cheated.”
This is a classic example of avoiding responsibility. Cheating is a choice, and it’s never the fault of the person who was cheated on. If your partner is blaming you for their infidelity, they’re trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty for their actions. Don’t fall for it – their choices are their own.
8. “You’re lucky I put up with you.”
This implies that you’re a burden and that your partner is doing you a favour by being with you. It’s meant to make you feel grateful for poor treatment. The reality is, relationships should be partnerships where both people feel valued. You’re not lucky to be “put up with” – you deserve to be appreciated.
9. “No one else would understand you like I do.”
While it might sound romantic on the surface, this is often used to isolate you from other people. It suggests that your partner is the only one who truly gets you, discouraging you from getting support or perspectives from friends and family. A healthy relationship encourages outside connections, not exclusivity.
10. “You’re overreacting.”
Similar to “you’re too sensitive,” this phrase invalidates your feelings and experiences. It’s a way of dismissing your concerns without actually addressing them. Your reactions are your own, and you have a right to them. A respectful partner will try to understand your perspective, not belittle it.
11. “You made me do it.”
This is a clear attempt to shift blame and avoid taking responsibility for actions. Whether it’s about anger, cheating, or any other behaviour, no one can “make” another person do anything. Each person is responsible for their own choices and actions. Don’t accept blame for your partner’s behaviour.
12. “If you really loved me, you would…”
This is emotional manipulation, plain and simple. It uses your feelings of love as leverage to get you to do something you’re not comfortable with. Love shouldn’t come with conditions or be used as a bargaining chip. A caring partner respects your boundaries and doesn’t try to guilt you into things.
13. “You’re just like your mother/father.”
Source: Unsplash When said in a negative context, this is meant to hurt you by comparing you to someone they know you have a complex relationship with. It’s a low blow that brings family dynamics into arguments unfairly. It’s also often used to trigger insecurities about turning into a parent you might have issues with.
14. “I’m the only one who will ever love you.”
Source: Unsplash This is a cruel statement designed to trap you in the relationship by destroying your self-worth. It implies that you’re unlovable to anyone else, which is simply not true. Everyone deserves love and is capable of being loved by many people throughout their life. This phrase is about control, not love.
15. “You’re useless.”
Source: Unsplash This blanket statement is a direct attack on your worth as a person. It’s meant to make you feel incompetent and reliant on your partner. The truth is, everyone has value and strengths. A supportive partner should recognise and appreciate your contributions, not demean you with harsh generalisations.
16. “You’re lucky I don’t hit you.”
Source: Unsplash This is a threat, plain and simple. It implies that physical abuse is an option they’re choosing not to use, as if you should be grateful for not being hit. This kind of statement is incredibly manipulative and can be a precursor to physical abuse. You’re not “lucky” to not be hit – it’s a basic expectation in any relationship.
17. “No one will believe you.”
Source: Unsplash This is often used to keep victims silent about abuse. It’s meant to isolate you and make you feel powerless. Remember, there are always people who will believe and support you. This statement is a tactic to prevent you from reaching out for help, and it’s a significant red flag.
18. “You’re not trying hard enough.”
Source: Unsplash While it might seem like encouragement, when used consistently, this can be abusive. It suggests that any problems in the relationship are solely your fault and that you’re not putting in enough effort. Relationships take work from both parties, and constant criticism of your efforts is unfair and demoralising.
19. “You owe me.”
Source: Unsplash Relationships shouldn’t be about keeping score. This is often used to guilt you into doing things you’re not comfortable with. While partnerships involve give and take, using past actions as leverage is manipulative. You don’t “owe” your partner anything beyond mutual respect and honesty.
20. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This is a non-apology that puts the blame on you for feeling hurt rather than on them for their hurtful actions. It’s dismissive and doesn’t take any responsibility for the harm caused. A genuine apology acknowledges the hurt caused and takes responsibility for actions, not just your reaction to them.
