When emotions are running high and things feel a bit out of control, your first instinct is likely to calm things down as quickly as possible.
A lot of times, this doesn’t require much effort. When people get animated, they likely just want to be heard and understood, and communicating that can take them from 100 back down to zero (or at least close to it) pretty quickly. The next time you’re in a hairy situation, here are some things you can say to chill everyone out.
1. “I hear you, and your feelings are valid.”
You’re not necessarily agreeing with what they’re saying, but you are acknowledging their right to feel the way they do and showing them respect in the process. Emotional validation is a powerful tool and can really improve your relationship with a person.
2. “Can you help me understand your point of view?”
Asking someone this shows that you actually care about what they have to say and that you want to understand where they’re coming from, rather than just writing them off without any consideration.
3. “I appreciate your patience.”
When things are moving slower than expected or when you’ve made a mistake, saying this can go a long way. It lets the other person know that you recognise their frustration and that you haven’t forgotten about them — you’re working on it. You’re also subtly encouraging them to stay calm by expressing your thanks for their patience.
4. “Let’s take a moment to breathe.”
When things are getting a bit out of hand, sometimes you have to be the bigger person and suggest taking a step back/away to gather your thoughts and calm down. The person you’re having drama with will likely appreciate this, as well.
5. “I may have misunderstood, could you clarify?”
This is a great showcase of your humility and willingness to admit that you might not have all the facts. This gives the other person the chance to explain themselves better and lets them know that you’re not a dismissive know-it-all.
6. “What would make you feel supported right now?”
This question is like a Swiss Army knife in emotional situations. It shows that you care about the other person, and you want to support them. By asking directly what they need, you’re avoiding assumptions and giving them agency in the situation, and that’s powerful.
7. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said/done that.”
This one really shouldn’t be so far down the list because it’s perhaps the most powerful phrase on here. A genuine, heartfelt apology can work miracles when it comes to calming a tense situation. It shows you’re self-aware and not too proud to admit when you’ve messed up, and that takes courage.
8. “Thank you for bringing this to my attention.”
Source: Unsplash When someone points out a problem or gives you less than stellar feedback, this is a great response. You’re not getting defensive or telling them they’re wrong, you’re thanking them for their input. It doesn’t mean you agree with them, but it does send the message that you’re at least willing to consider what they have to say.
9. “How can we work together to find a solution?”
Source: Unsplash This shifts things from confrontation to teamwork. Sure, there’s an issue, but it flips the script and frames things as a challenge rather than a battle of wills. This one is particularly effective at work or in family situations — trust me!
10. “I need some time to process this. Can we revisit it later?”
Source: Unsplash If you just need some time to mill over what’s happening and gather your thoughts, saying this puts an immediate stop to the heightened situation and gives you what you need. The other person might need the same thing, but feel unsure how to ask for it.
11. “I value our relationship more than being right.”
Source: Unsplash Obviously, this one is really hard to say if you do actually know you’re right, and you may say it through gritted teeth. However, if you do really value your relationship with someone, saying this proves it and can de-escalate a heated situation pretty much immediately.
12. “Can you tell me more about why this is important to you?”
People have intense reactions to things for reasons we would never expect, which is why it’s always helpful to do what you can to understand people’s motivations a bit better. Asking this invites the other person to share their perspective, which helps you be more empathetic and see where they’re coming from.
13. “I hadn’t considered that perspective before. Thank you for sharing.”
Again, saying this doesn’t mean you think the other person’s perspective is right, it just means you recognise that people are entitled to their own POVs and that they’re worth considering even if you ultimately stick to your original feelings.
14. “Let’s take a step back and look at the bigger picture.”
Sometimes, it’s far too easy to get caught up in the details of a situation, to the point that you lose sight of what the argument/disagreement is all about. By zooming out a bit and looking at the big picture, you might realise you’re getting het up over nothing.
15. “I’m feeling [emotion]. How are you feeling?”
When you’re willing to be vulnerable and honest about your feelings, other people will feel safe to do the same. Sure, you both might be angry, but by admitting that you’re frustrated or a bit confused, you may just bring their feelings back down to earth a bit, too.
16. “What do you think is the best way forward from here?”
You could go round and round in circles and never really get to the root of the problem. However, instead of figuring out why something is happening, what about focusing on how to fix it, regardless?
17. “I’m committed to working this out with you.”
Source: Unsplash You’re not just going to walk away and leave things a mess — you’re showing that you want to see things through and work things out, which means a lot, especially if the person you’re having problems with is someone you genuinely care about.
