The idea that men are emotionally stunted is tacitly false, but there is still a stigma about male sensitivity that can affect the way they live — and the way they parent.
No man sets out to be an emotionally unavailable father to his kids, but it often happens as a result of learned behaviours or habits that are hard to shake/reshape. Here’s how you know you might be struggling to connect with your kids on a deep level, as well as some suggestions on how to improve your relationship.
1. You struggle to be affectionate with your kids.
If you find it hard or uncomfortable to hug your children, tell you love them, or show physical affection, it might be a sign of emotional unavailability. This doesn’t mean you don’t care; it could be because of your own upbringing or being uncomfortable with vulnerability. Start small by giving a pat on the back or a quick hug. As you get more comfortable, it may get easier to express your love for them.
2. You avoid deep conversations.
When your child approaches you with a problem or wants to discuss their feelings, do you tend to change the subject or offer quick, surface-level solutions? Emotional availability involves being present and truly listening. Look them in the eye, ask them questions that require deep answers, and validate how they’re feeling, even if you don’t get it or agree. They’ll feel a lot safer coming to you with their troubles this way.
3. You prioritise work over family time.
While providing for your family is important, consistently choosing work over quality time can leave your children feeling neglected. Evaluate your work-life balance and make a conscious effort to be present during family activities. Set boundaries with work and dedicate uninterrupted time to your children. Even small, consistent moments of connection can make a big difference.
4. You don’t handle your child’s emotions well.
If you get uncomfortable or frustrated when your child expresses strong feelings, particularly sadness or fear, it might point to emotional unavailability. Instead of dismissing their feelings or telling them to “toughen up”, try to empathise and validate their experiences. Learn to sit with their emotions without trying to fix or change them immediately.
5. You rarely share your own feelings.
Emotional availability isn’t just about responding to your child’s emotions; it’s also about sharing your own. If you never discuss your feelings or experiences with your children, they might struggle to understand and express their own feelings. Start by sharing age-appropriate feelings and experiences, showing that it’s okay to be vulnerable and human.
6. You use humour to deflect serious topics.
Source: Unsplash While humour can be a great way to connect, consistently using it to avoid serious or emotional conversations can be harmful. If you’re always cracking jokes when your child tries to discuss something important, pause and consider why you’re deflecting. Practise engaging in these conversations without resorting to humour as a defence mechanism.
7. You struggle to adapt to your child’s changing needs.
As children get older, their emotional needs evolve. If you get stuck in outdated parenting patterns or struggle to connect with your maturing child, it’s time to reassess and adapt. Stay curious about who your child is becoming. Learn about the developmental stages they’re going through and adjust your approach accordingly. This flexibility demonstrates your commitment to understanding and supporting them through all life stages.
8. You’re often distracted during family time.
If you’re physically present but mentally elsewhere during family activities, your children will notice. Put away your phone, turn off the telly, and engage fully in the moment. Make eye contact, ask questions, and show genuine interest in what your children are saying or doing. This undivided attention communicates that they are valued and important to you.
9. You never apologise or admit mistakes.
If it’s too hard for you to say “I’m sorry” to your children when you’ve made a mistake, there’s a problem. Admitting fault and apologising shows vulnerability and teaches your children the importance of accountability. Practise owning up to your mistakes, explaining why you’re sorry, and discussing how you’ll do better next time. This not only strengthens your bond but also models healthy emotional behaviour.
10. You avoid conflict at all costs.
While constant arguing isn’t healthy, completely avoiding disagreements can be equally problematic. If you shut down or walk away when faced with family drama, you’re missing opportunities to teach conflict resolution skills. Instead, stay present during disagreements. Listen to your child’s perspective, express your own calmly, and work together to find solutions.
11. You rarely engage in your child’s interests.
Showing interest in your child’s hobbies and passions is important for building emotional connections, even if what they like is pretty niche or even boring to you. Make an effort to learn a bit more about the things they love because if they’re important to your kids, they should be important to you.
12. You never celebrate your kids’ achievements.
Emotional availability includes being there for the good times, not just the bad ones. If you never express pride or joy in your child’s accomplishments, big or small, it’s time to change. Make a point of acknowledging their efforts and their wins. Your recognition and celebration can be a powerful motivator and confidence booster for your child.
13. You find it hard to set consistent boundaries.
Source: Unsplash Emotional availability doesn’t mean being permissive. In fact, setting and maintaining consistent boundaries is a crucial part of emotional support. If you struggle with this, start by clearly communicating your expectations and the reasons behind them. Follow through with consequences when needed, but always with empathy and explanation. It will help your kids feel more secure and understand the importance of rules and respect.
14. You rarely initiate meaningful conversations.
If you find that most of your interactions with your children are surface-level or purely functional, it’s time to dig deeper. Make an effort to start conversations about their thoughts, dreams, and concerns. Ask open-ended questions that encourage reflection and sharing. By initiating these talks, you’re showing your child that you value their inner world and are interested in who they are as individuals.
