Emotional intelligence, also known as EQ, is all about being aware and in control of your own feelings, as well as being able to relate to and read other people’s.
It sounds simple enough, but it’s a skill that takes honing, and not everyone has it. It’s usually pretty easy to spot in the wild, but one thing’s for sure — emotionally intelligent people would never ask these rude/insensitive questions.
1. “Why can’t you just get over it?”
Asking this implies that the other person’s feelings and experiences are invalid, and that’s not the case. Emotionally intelligent people recognise that healing and processing emotions take time. Instead of rushing people, they’re supportive and patient because they get that people go at their own pace.
2. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
You clearly think they’re overreacting, but that doesn’t mean they are. Questioning the intensity of someone’s emotions can make them feel misunderstood and like there’s something wrong with them. People with high EQ appreciate that everyone responds differently to situations based on their unique experiences and perspectives.
3. “Why are you so sensitive?”
This question often comes across as criticism rather than concern, and it’s not just a market of low emotional intelligence, it’s also a form of gaslighting. Sensitivity is a human trait and there’s nothing wrong with it. Maybe the kind of person who asks this question could do with more sensitivity themselves!
4. “Can’t you take a joke?”
If someone is offended by your “humour,” chances are, it’s not all that funny. The person on the receiving end likely can take a joke, just not at their own expense (or at the expense of anyone else). People with any amount of EQ know that being “funny” doesn’t have to offend anyone.
5. “Why can’t you be more like…?”
Source: Unsplash Comparisons are rarely productive — all they do is make someone feel terrible about themselves. People are who they are, and wishing they were like someone else is not only futile, it’s also pretty insensitive. If you’re not vibing, it’s okay to cut off contact, but don’t hang around making them feel bad.
6. “What’s wrong with you?”
Source: Unsplash This question is inherently judgmental and implies that the person is fundamentally flawed. People with high EQ know that you should never equate behaviour with the person as a whole. If there’s an issue, they address that specifically rather than blowing things out of proportion.
7. “Why are you always so negative?”
Source: Unsplash Labelling someone as consistently negative oversimplifies complex emotional states and can be counterproductive. Everyone has a range of emotions, and if someone is legitimately being a bit of a Debbie Downer on a regular basis, those with high EQ want to delve into what’s behind it rather than writing them off entirely as simply having a bad attitude.
8. “How could you be so stupid?”
Insulting someone’s intelligence is never constructive and can severely damage relationships and self-esteem. First of all, who died and made you the intelligence police? Also, there’s nowhere to go from asking this question. The other person will (rightfully) inevitably shut down, and the relationship as a whole may very well end.
9. “Why can’t you just be happy?”
This question oversimplifies human emotions and can make people feel guilty for their feelings. Emotionally intelligent people get that you can’t just flick happiness on like a light switch — it doesn’t work that way.
10. “Don’t you care about how this affects me?”
While it’s important to consider other people’s feelings, this question can come across as self-centred, especially when someone is dealing with their own struggles. People with high EQ have empathy for other people and don’t expect to be the centre of people’s universe.
11. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
People have different priorities in life, and asking this implies that you don’t understand that. Something that doesn’t matter to you might be a huge deal to someone else, and vice versa. Emotional intelligence means recognising that there’s no one formula for what matters in life.
12. “Can’t you just let it go?”
While forgiveness and moving on can be healthy, pressuring someone to do so ignores the complexity of emotional processing. Again, people with high EQ recognise that people process things in their own time, and it’s not up to you or anyone else to rush that.
13. “Why do you always do this?”
Using absolutes like “always” or “never” in questions often leads to defensiveness and rarely solves problems. Instead of using generalisations, it’s better to confront the exact situation that’s upsetting you.
14. “How could you not know that?”
This question clearly aims to shame people, which can be hurtful and unproductive. Having emotional intelligence means understanding that everyone has different areas of expertise and experience, and not judging people for gaps in their knowledge.
15. “Why can’t you just trust me?”
Trust is earned over time, not demanded. Emotionally intelligent people understand that trust is a complex emotion influenced by past experiences and current circumstances. Rather than pressuring people to trust blindly, they consistently demonstrate their trustworthiness via their behaviour. It really is that simple.
