Marriage isn’t always a bed of roses, and sometimes you end up in a rough patch that feels never-ending.
You shouldn’t settle or give up, but you do need to find ways to nurture your own happiness while working through your relationship issues. Whether you’re dealing with temporary hurdles or long-term problems, there are ways to be content even in an unhappy marriage. (However, it should go without saying that if you’re truly miserable, dealing with abusive behaviour of any kind, or your partner isn’t working just as hard as you to fix things, you may just need to throw in the towel).
1. Focus on self-care and personal growth.
When your relationship feels like it’s draining you, it’s crucial to pour energy back into yourself. Take up a new hobby, join a gym, or learn a skill you’ve always been interested in. By investing in your own growth and health, you’re not only improving your own life, but potentially bringing fresh energy into your relationship.
2. Focus on friendships outside your marriage.
Don’t put all your emotional eggs in one basket. Nurture friendships that bring joy and support into your life. Having a strong social network can provide the emotional fulfilment you might be missing at home. Just be careful not to use these friendships as an outlet for constant venting about your spouse.
3. Set realistic expectations for your relationship.
Sometimes unhappiness stems from unrealistic expectations. Your spouse can’t be your everything — your best friend, passionate lover, and perfect partner all at once. Recognise that all relationships have ups and downs, and adjust your expectations to something more achievable.
4. Communicate openly, but pick your battles.
While honest communication is vital, constantly bringing up every little grievance can create a negative atmosphere. Choose your moments wisely. Address important issues calmly and constructively, but let the small stuff slide. This balance can help maintain peace while still addressing crucial matters.
5. Find purpose through work or volunteering.
Engaging in meaningful work or volunteering can provide a sense of purpose and fulfilment that might be lacking in your marriage. It’s not about escaping your problems, but rather expanding your life in positive ways that make you feel valued and accomplished.
6. Practise gratitude for the good aspects of your life.
Even in unhappy situations, there’s usually something to be grateful for. Maybe your spouse is a great parent, or you have a comfortable home. Regularly acknowledging these positives can shift your focus and improve your overall outlook, making the challenges feel more manageable.
7. Establish personal boundaries and stick to them.
In an unhappy marriage, it’s easy to lose yourself. Set clear boundaries about what you will and won’t accept in terms of behaviour, time, and emotional energy. This isn’t about building walls, but rather creating a healthy space for yourself within the relationship.
8. Rediscover intimacy in new ways.
If physical intimacy is an issue, explore other ways to connect. This could be through shared activities, meaningful conversations, or small gestures of affection. Sometimes, rebuilding intimacy starts with simple acts of kindness and attention.
9. Take responsibility for your own happiness.
Ultimately, your happiness is your responsibility. While your spouse can contribute to it, they can’t be the sole source. Find things that bring you joy independently of your marriage, whether it’s a hobby, spending time in nature, or pursuing personal goals.
10. Practise mindfulness and stay present.
It’s easy to get caught up in regrets about the past or worries about the future. Mindfulness techniques can help you stay grounded in the present moment, reducing stress and helping you appreciate the good moments when they occur.
11. Reframe negative thoughts about your spouse.
Challenge yourself to find alternative explanations for your spouse’s behaviour. Instead of assuming the worst, consider other possibilities. This doesn’t mean ignoring genuine issues, but it can help reduce unnecessary conflicts and resentment.
12. Create your own support system.
Build a network of trusted friends, family members, or even a support group who can offer emotional support and perspective. Having people to talk to can prevent feelings of isolation and provide valuable insights.
13. Focus on co-parenting if you have children.
If you have kids, shifting your focus to being the best co-parents possible can provide a sense of shared purpose. Working together for your children’s well-being can bring positivity to your relationship, even if other areas are strained.
14. Try to achieve financial independence.
Having your own financial resources can provide a sense of security and freedom. This isn’t about preparing for divorce, but rather ensuring you have the means to pursue your own interests and feel more in control of your life.
15. Practise forgiveness, but don’t forget self-respect.
Holding grudges only hurts you in the long run. Learning to forgive can free you from negative emotions. However, this doesn’t mean tolerating ongoing harmful behaviour. Forgiveness should be balanced with self-respect and healthy boundaries.
16. Find ways to laugh and have fun.
Even in difficult times, try to find moments of levity. Watch comedies, spend time with people who make you laugh, or engage in activities that bring out your playful side. Laughter can be a powerful antidote to stress and unhappiness.
17. Set personal goals and work towards them.
Having your own aspirations and working towards them can provide a sense of progress and achievement. Whether it’s a career goal, a fitness target, or learning a new skill, personal growth can significantly boost your happiness.
18. Practise patience and allow for change.
Remember that people and relationships can evolve. While you shouldn’t put your life on hold waiting for things to improve, maintaining a patient and open mindset allows for the possibility of positive change, whether within your marriage or in your personal growth journey.
